Feedback for Joseph Azor

AzorJ_E1draft

(To see my comments, download PDF by clicking down arrow in lower right and open in PDF viewer.)

Joseph,

This is a good first draft with a lot going on in it.  I hope you continue to receive reads and feedback from more classmates.  That said, David’s feedback, in particular, is tremendous; please read and absorb it carefully.

My comments are on the draft itself, but here are a couple of the big picture take-aways:

–At times, I get a bit lost due to grammatical and typo issues.  Proofread this and correct what you can.  You can also look up these grammar issues online and feel free to ask me any questions you have about them (they were the ones I noticed repeating in your essay): run-on sentences, verb tense changes, fragments, quotations.  Let me emphasize that I do not think these issues prevent your writing from being engaging because you’ve included so much content that truly is interesting to read.  But I do want you to get a bit more control over some of the grammar/typo stuff so that your writing and ideas can really shine.

–Because *so much* is going on in the essay, I’d recommend trying to re-write it with a focus on one (or a couple) of the following “problems” or themes:

1) the conflict with your parents/mothers…

2) why is it so hard to say “I love you”?  What is meant by “love”?  How is it related to fidelity/infidelity/cheating?

3) why do you think things “dried up” once you actually said “I love you”?  is there something about desire that depends on conflict or struggle (having to elude your mothers, struggling to say “I love you,” etc.)?

4) what do you think it is that drew you to the other person?  who was this person and why do you think you did that?

Once you decide which of these you want to focus on, you can go back over the draft and eliminate anything that doesn’t help develop the reader’s interest in these questions/themes/conflicts.

Best,

M

11 thoughts on “Feedback for Joseph Azor”

  1. Joseph,

    You, my man, are playing a dangerous game. (insert laughing emoji) I know we’re not supposed to expect a happy ending in ENG 1101….but I hope everything is sorted out now.
    You have a passionate story here. Love is a tricky thing. It fogs up your perception and makes simple things seem complex. We are fully aware of its drawbacks (I mean, we all read Brittny’s essay) and yet we always fall head first into its snare! Probably because it’s so addicting. In the moment, it’s hard to believe how quickly something so sweet can turn bitter the instant a bad decision is made. There really is no greater feeling that true love, and likewise no worse pain than heartbreak. I feel like your essay explores this two faced nature of love, and I found it intriguing to experience just how it feels to be on the receiving and giving end of such love from your point of view. I love how you conveyed the progression of time, and how the essay is organized so neatly while still maintaining a casual feel. Great job.

    Our writing teachers always tell us that it is important to proofread. We know, and we do, but proofreading your own work is not always effective since you already know what you intended to write. I would suggest that you send your writing over to someone else to look over. Other people are more likely to pick up small grammatical mistakes, and unclear wordings since they do not know what you intended to write.
    At the end of the essay, after you finally asked her out, the mood flipped on us. The love from before wasn’t present anymore, and you decided to find it elsewhere. I feel like this part should hold a bit more weight than it does. What drove you to cheat? What about the situation made is seem like the girl you “loved” was no longer as desirable. You do say it, but I personally did not feel it. You say that there wasn’t any more “responsiveness,” the “conversation became drier,” and at one point you “grew tired of it,” but that’s literally all you wrote (verbatim). At that point I was emotionally detached from the story. My suggestion is that you expound on your shift of feelings so that the audience can follow. When they do, your decision to cheat and later regret would be more impactful.
    Also, in the same part of the essay, when you start using “you,” who are you referring to?

  2. Hi Joseph,

    Hope all is well,
    Your essay is interesting. I like the concept of you talking about young love and opening up this story for us. It is extremely relatable because majority of us have been in love. I believe you have the makings of a great essay. I found a few grammatical errors so be mindful when reading your essay. The first paragraph and towards the ending when you started adding dialogue. Please be mindful with placing the right quotes right when you had dialogue with your ex-girlfriend. If you are looking for a title I like the last phrase “How can I be so cruel?” as a title. Overall it seems like a great start. Can’t wait to read the final draft.

  3. I really enjoyed reading this essay.When I was reading I was eager to read the next line and see what happens. I just want to say that there were probably some grammatical mistakes in the essay but that’s not a big issue because your story is beautiful.

    1. Islam,
      Please expand on your feedback when you have a moment. Point us to some specific moments where you were “eager to read the next line” and also where you noticed “some grammatical mistakes.”
      Thanks!
      M

      1. Hi Joseph

        I liked the way you described the girl you love because you said that you did not fall only for her look(body) instead you loved her characteristics and her smile. It was easy to follow through your essay because you gave the name of the month and what happened during each month. It also reminded me about one of the texts ‘’ APRIL-MAY-JUNE’’ that Professor Monroe gave us to read which also used the month to tell the story. I just want to point out that there were very few grammatical and typo issues for instance in second paragraph you wrote ‘’I was thinking di my breath ’’ I guess you wanted to say ‘’I was thinking did my breath’’ Also I want to mention that you might want to proof read some of your uses of different tense. For example you wrote ‘’ we once shared was being shared by someone else’’ maybe instead of using was you could use is ‘’we once shared is being shared by someone else’’. Even Though the ending was heartbroken but hopefully you have coped well from this experience and found love. Thanks for sharing your experiences, it was a pleasure to read your experiences.

  4. Hey Joseph,

    I enjoyed how you had opened up your essay describing the way your girlfriend made you feel about her. I felt as if the approach you took of painting a picture to your readers as to how you wanted us to understand your story from your point of view had all of us engaged in what was next to be expected. For people that have experienced love before, I believe that your audience was able to connect with some of the emotions you were feeling at that time. Love really can be a tricky thing. It’s like an emotional rollercoaster that has everyone, in the beginning, waiting to get to its highest point all for it to suddenly drop and have different twists and turns throughout until you finally get to your destination. It’s usually up to the person at the end of that ride to tell if they enjoyed it enough to do it all over again, or if it’s something that they never would do again.

    However, even though the storyline was put together really well, it was hard at times to fluently keep up with how you would transition throughout your story due to the different grammatical errors you had. Personally, it was as if I kind of got what you were saying at times, but I wasn’t really sure when I had come to finish reading that particular sentence. I would suggest that you would just look over that so that we, as readers, would have more clarity into what you really wanted to say instead of us interpreting your story for you if that makes sense lol. But overall, I enjoyed it and look forward to you getting better from here. Hope everything with you and her turned out well eventually.

  5. Hey Joseph,
    I really like your story thanks for sharing with us. Aside from the grammatical errors Professor Monroe pointed out to you earlier, as far as storytelling goes I’ll have to say I like your writing style keep it up, man.
    When I was reading the part of ur girlfriend’s past, it gave me a flashback to a time when a close friend of mine shared a similar traumatic experience dealing with abuse. Once someone opens up about a sensitive topic of that nature, it’s hard to shake the feeling of trauma that gets shared down to you and suddenly your sense of protection kick in and it’s like a rage and empathizing feeling all at once, and I could totally understand where u were coming from when you made that promise.

    Also, I want to add that the topic of love is something that everyone experiences at some point so I thought it was smart to write on a topic alot of us can relate to!

  6. Hi Joseph

    I liked the way you described the girl you love because you said that you did not fall only for her look(body) instead you loved her characteristics and her smile. It was easy to follow through your essay because you gave the name of the month and what happened during each month. It also reminded me about one of the texts ‘’ APRIL-MAY-JUNE’’ that Professor Monroe gave us to read which also used the month to tell the story. I just want to point out that there were few grammatical and a typo issues for instance in second paragraph you wrote ‘’I was thinking di my breath ’’ I guess you wanted to say ‘’I was thinking did my breath’’ Also I want to mention that you might want to proof read some of your uses of different tense. For example you wrote ‘’ we once shared was being shared by someone else’’ maybe instead of using was you could use is ‘’we once shared is being shared by someone else’’. Even Though the ending was heartbroken but hopefully you have coped well from this experience and found love. Thanks for sharing your experiences, it was a pleasure to read your experiences.

  7. Hey Joseph,
    I liked the idea of you writing your essay on young love. I thin the concept of the essay is good and get what you are trying to say. I loved your ending it was sad but in my opinion it was a strong ending because of how you worded it and also because you realized where you were wrong, so you learned from the situation. However, I do believe that when you are writing your final draft I suggest that you proofread because there are a lot of errors and some parts of the essay are not that clear on what you want to say.

  8. Hey Joseph,

    First off I want to say that your story was very engaging and the introduction had me hooked instantly. I appreciated the way it was constructed, with the story moving on with time. Some things you can work on are your transitions between paragraphs, grammar, and spelling throughout.

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