(To see my comments, download PDF by clicking down arrow in lower right and open in PDF viewer.)
This is a good first draft with a lot going on in it. I hope you continue to receive reads and feedback from more classmates. That said, David’s feedback, in particular, is tremendous; please read and absorb it carefully.
My comments are on the draft itself, but here are a couple of the big picture take-aways:
–At times, I get a bit lost due to grammatical and typo issues. Proofread this and correct what you can. You can also look up these grammar issues online and feel free to ask me any questions you have about them (they were the ones I noticed repeating in your essay): run-on sentences, verb tense changes, fragments, quotations. Let me emphasize that I do not think these issues prevent your writing from being engaging because you’ve included so much content that truly is interesting to read. But I do want you to get a bit more control over some of the grammar/typo stuff so that your writing and ideas can really shine.
–Because *so much* is going on in the essay, I’d recommend trying to re-write it with a focus on one (or a couple) of the following “problems” or themes:
1) the conflict with your parents/mothers…
2) why is it so hard to say “I love you”? What is meant by “love”? How is it related to fidelity/infidelity/cheating?
3) why do you think things “dried up” once you actually said “I love you”? is there something about desire that depends on conflict or struggle (having to elude your mothers, struggling to say “I love you,” etc.)?
4) what do you think it is that drew you to the other person? who was this person and why do you think you did that?
Once you decide which of these you want to focus on, you can go back over the draft and eliminate anything that doesn’t help develop the reader’s interest in these questions/themes/conflicts.