8 thoughts on “Feedback for Jayvon”

  1. While reading Jayvon’s essay I had a flashback from my high school life. In my High School I was part of the cricket team, where I used to also help my cricket coach with bringing all sport gears  and supplies. But the ironic part is that Jayvon’s School was in a Jews community and mines too, one day my coach also asked if I could help him to bring the red first aid kit bag, and that’s it because at that time there not any robbery was happening in that neighborhood. When I read that I was really missing my high School team and that coach. After reading Jayvon’s essay I understood that America has a long pathway to become a nation that is completely racism free.

  2. As an African American myself, I understand exactly the type of racial interactions that you go through. I like that you decided to share your experience about your interaction being racially profiled. Since you didn’t title the essay it would be interesting to see what you name it and since you didn’t finish it, it would be nice to know what happened after your interaction and how it made you feel after. Also if you want to it would be nice to know being that you mentioned that you know a police officer how do you feel about officers now ?

  3. After reading the essay that Jayvon wrote I was very eager to know more about his interaction with the police. He briefly described his experience with the police while coming from basketball practice and I found myself wanting to know more details. I found there to be a lot of minor details leading up to the main idea of the essay however, I felt like there was not many details about his actual interaction with the police and I wanted to know more. Reading about Jayvon’s minor interaction with the police was eye opening to me because there is a huge fight all over the world between authorities and minorities so reading this essay was eye opening to know that someone in my class had to go through this. I really would like to know how such an experience made Jayvon’s friend feel because I know how serious the situation on police brutality against minorities is and seeing someone you know go through that can be a traumatic situation. Overall I found Jayvon’s essay to be an eye opening experience because you never know when you can find yourself in a situation where you feel like you are a minority against the authorities.

  4. Hey !
    I really enjoyed reading your essay. Especially with everything that has been going on throughout the years. You have a really great story to tell. Like i said in class, I enjoyed the references you made. I would like to see some dialogue (but of course like the professor said you don’t have to ) for me I also enjoy writings like that. I would focus more on how you felt when the officer stopped you. I would want to know how you felt, did you talk to your friend after? I wonder how your friend felt ? Did you talk to your coach ? I wonder why he didn’t interject. Of course if you didn’t talk to them about this you wouldn’t know they felt but if you did and can remember. I think that would be interesting too. Overall I really enjoyed your essay !

  5. Hi Jayvon. Thank you for sharing your essay. Police brutality is one of the natural fears of being Black in America, and I can understand the frustration surrounding the situation. I really liked hearing your inner thoughts and lingering questions you had around the incident, including why the police refuse to notice or bring up the presence of your coach by the car. Knowing what was going through your mind, such as your fears, doubts, or uncertainty about what was happening, helps immerse the reader into the story and place them at the scene. I felt the story ended quite abruptly, and I left wanting to know where it left off with you and your friend, who was rightfully nervous at being confronted and questioned by the police. Please continue to add more details if possible to the ending, it was quite a good story!

  6. Hi Jayvon,
    Thanks for sharing your essay with us. Police brutality is a well known topic here in America, especially commonly referring to black people but on some occasions Latinos as well. Being a colored minority is like being a walking target to these cops and it totally sucks that there are policemen out there that aren’t doing their job to keep us safe. On that note, I think your style of storytelling felt really genuine and I think because of that, it was able to keep an audience engaged including myself. However, you might want to add more dialogue if u can, experiment with it, you never know but I think it would be a fine addition!

  7. Hello Jayvon,

    Wonderful draft! I really like how relatable this story is. I’m familiar with the setting, and the situation being a black guy in Brooklyn. I like how you set the scene at the beginning. I understand what’s happening, and how it’s going downs and I think that’s really important to have that established. You descriptive language and vocabulary are both very good.

    My advice would be to be a little more descriptive. I would like to see you zoom in on details of the situation that made it what it was, whether you feel it was funny, terrifying, intimidating, or aggravating. Point out what about the situation made you perceive it as such. Also, you might want to tone down the vocabulary a bit. It’s important not to lose your voice in your writing, so the vocabulary should be used to emphasize without imposing on your voice (unless, of course, it is a part of your voice.) A tone that is too refined makes the piece sound less like a narrative and more like a report.

    Be safe!

  8. good job setting up the event and not going straight into it. Ive never been in a particular situation like that ik know I wouldn’t of remained calm. I like the topic because it very reliant to the times we live in and the thing that happening. I wished you fishined the essay you left us at a bit of a cliff hanger. Tell us more of the question the police where call you and highlight more of your uncomfortability to those question what action did your friend do?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.