I had moved to a small town called Huntersville in the state of North Carolina, and I didn’t know a single person there. I had a great but physically demanding job, working as an Amazon Delivery Driver. I moved into my own apartment, and I was living a great life. Unbeknownst to me, I was already 4 weeks pregnant. I had felt weird since the beginning of December. I had no symptoms of pregnancy but something in my mind was telling me to take a pregnancy test. On December 11th, precisely at 4 oâclock in the afternoon I took a pregnancy test. Â It read positive so quickly that I thought it was a fluke. The plus sign, a vibrant blue. I took another and it read inconclusive. I then took another one, this time a digital test, the word pregnant flashed onto the screen.
I was very much in denial. Life was fun for me, I finally had my freedom from my restrictive parents. Being independent meant that I could do what I wanted and when I wanted without anyone telling me Iâm doing something wrong. That I should be doing something they wanted me to do or feeling like I was a disappointment. I had just started to breathe when I was always used to being stuck in the body of an obedient child. I always did what I was supposed to do. I got good grades, never talked back, and did my chores. I even went to a University and majored in a Computer Science degree I never was interested in. If my parents told me to do something, I would do it. No matter how I felt about something, even a passion of mine, 2-D Animation, I was told that I had to do something different.
The day I went to my ultrasound appointment, I was terrified. I was alone, sitting in a chair in the waiting room, surrounded by other pregnant woman and their partners. The days when my Mom would be at the front desk filling out my paperwork, were gone. It still didnât feel real to me, but when I saw my baby for the first time on the screen, I cried. I cried so hard because for the first time in a long time I felt like I wasnât alone anymore. I knew that there was no going back. I knew that I would do anything for this beautiful, and amazing life growing inside me. I was still terrified because I wouldnât worry just about how to take care of myself, I would have to care for and make sacrifices for my child. I knew that I didnât want my child to think that their dreams will always be dreams. I want them to know that dreams can become reality.
Motherhood changed my way of thinking. I was used to depending on my parents to figure things out for me, to guide me in the right direction. Now that I had no one to turn to, I had to figure things out on my own. Is she getting enough milk? Am I burping her the right way? Is she too cold or is she too hot? Am I doing this right? I had made plenty of mistakes, but I was also doing plenty right. I am now going to school at CityTech. I made decisions on my own and I felt good about myself. I now know what Davina aspires to be. A loving Mom, an MRI Technologist and an Author. I truly believe I found myself within my daughter. I am not afraid to face disappointment because I know that how I feel about myself and the decisions I make matter most and not what other people want from me.
Davina, I think your introduction is so well written. You provided so much emotion, feelings and strong statements about the state of mind that you were in when you first found out about your pregnancy and afterwards. I’m looking forward to reading your writing and how it comes together. I definitely can envision all the well detailed scenes you will be able to include in your narrative to tell your story well.
DAVINA â notice that you are doing a lot of telling. I make a few suggestions to liven up your writing —
2021 [WHEN?]I has living Huntersville, North Carolina. I didnât know a single person there. I had a great but physically demanding job, working as an Amazon Delivery Driver. I had moved into my own apartment, and I was living a great life. [ A FEW DETAILS OF âGreat Lifeâ parties? camping trips with friends? WHAT great life? — I was living a great life but little did I know that a change was coming â for unbeknownst ⌠— try to use language to try for a dramatic unexpected turn of events] Unbeknownst to me, I was already 4 weeks pregnant. I had felt weird since the beginning of December. I had no symptoms of pregnancy but something in my mind was telling me to take a pregnancy test.
On December 11th, precisely at 4 oâclock in the afternoon I took a pregnancy test. It read positive so quickly that I thought it was a fluke. The plus sign, a vibrant blue. I took another and it read inconclusive. I then took another one, this time a digital test, the word pregnant flashed onto the screen.
I was very much in denial. ONE SENTENCE IS DRAMATIC HERE — Go for shorter paragraphs!
Life was fun for me, I finally had my freedom from my restrictive parents. Being independent meant that I could do what I wanted and when I wanted without anyone telling me Iâm doing something wrong. That I should be doing something they wanted me to do or feeling like I was a disappointment. I had just started to breathe when I was always used to being stuck in the body of an obedient child. I always did what I was supposed to do. I got good grades, never talked back, and did my chores. I even went to a University and majored in a Computer Science degree I never was interested in. If my parents told me to do something, I would do it. No matter how I felt about something, even a passion of mine, 2-D Animation, I was told that I had to do something different.
The day I went to my ultrasound appointment, I was terrified. I was alone, sitting in a chair in the waiting room, surrounded by other pregnant woman and their partners. The days when my Mom would be at the front desk filling out my paperwork, were gone. It still didnât feel real to me, but when I saw my baby for the first time on the screen, [CSD on the screen — describe the fetus on the screen black and white like a tv screen a little shape with a beating heart — some thing like that — and WHAT did you see? — make this dramatic â create a full scene â SHOW more â before you get to the crying stageâMAKE your reader feel your excitement and a change starting to happen in your body and mind].
I cried so hard because for the first time in a long time I felt like I wasnât alone anymore. I knew that there was no going back. I knew that I would do anything for this beautiful, and amazing life growing inside me. I was still terrified because I wouldnât worry just about how to take care of myself, I would have to care for and make sacrifices for my child. I knew that I didnât want my child to think that their dreams will always be dreams. I want them to know that dreams can become reality.
Motherhood changed my way of thinking. I was used to depending on my parents to figure things out for me, to guide me in the right direction. Now that I had no one to turn to, I had to figure things out on my own. âIs she getting enough milk? Am I burping her the right way? Is she too cold or is she too hot? Am I doing this right?â
NOW WHAT events will show those mistakes and how you tackled this hardship? SHOW hardship of single motherhood. WHAT events can SHOW this? — and how you solved problems.
[MOVE TO AN ENDING/CONCLUSION]I had made plenty of mistakes, but I was also doing plenty right. I am now going to school at CityTech. I made decisions on my own and I felt good about myself. I now know what Davina aspires to be. A loving Mom, an MRI Technologist and an Author. I truly believe I found myself within my daughter. I am not afraid to face disappointment because I know that how I feel about myself and the decisions I make matter most and not what other people want from me.