Jeicot, hi.
Nice draft–good to see you trying out a variety of ideas here.Ā I just made a couple small notes on the draft above /\/\/\/\ but please download and have a look.Ā As for the “big picture”: I think we need to find a way of sharpening what it is you want to show your readerāand then focus onĀ showing your reader the details of several specific events in your life.Ā There are a few possible threads to focus on that stand out to me while reading this:
–the conflicts involved in feeling like you’re “no longer a kid” but not yet a “grown-up” (pp. 1-2)
–your shyness and your interest in skateboarding (an activity many people associate with “youth” culture)
–your interest in this older man you see running at the track (is he an example of a “grown-up”?)
–your interest in dieting and the commitments involved therein; what dieting says about a person’s (your?) changing relation to their (your) body image…
As you can see from how I’ve worded the above points, it may be possible for you to connect a couple of these. BEFORE you do that though, I want you to pick one of them and focus on writing SEVERAL DETAILED SCENES ABOUT SPECIFIC EVENTS/ACTIONS YOU EXPERIENCED THAT CONNECT TO THESE THREADS.Ā (Right now there’s just a couple “glimpses” of your experience–no fully elaborated scenes, which is what I think this essay most needs.)
Thanks,
M
Hey Jeicot,
Your essay was really interesting! As someone who has dealt with the pains of being an introvert, I could totally relate. I, too, have gotten way better at being more sociable and outgoing, but I remember there was a time, like you, where I felt that I missed out on creating a lot of friendships and opportunities due to my shyness. I particularly liked how you started off your essay with that inspirational quote from Tony Hawk about doing what you love; I felt as if it had set the mood as to what the rest of your essay would be centered towards. I also liked the manner in which you wrote this essay as well; it felt as if your whole experience came sincerely from the heart, and you were able to use what had hindered you to help you triumph those obstacles.
One thing I would try to suggest you do when making your revisions is in regards to the reasoning for naming your title the way in which you did. Why did you name it that? What did you want to convey to your readers when naming it that? I thought, at first, that you were going to move in a different direction when I read your title. Although the title was engaging, I feel that it would help clear up the reasoning as to why you named your essay that while after reading your story.
Besides that, I really enjoyed your essay and am glad that you have found different ways to overcome your introversion. Stay doing you!
Hey Jeicot,
I hope all is well. I enjoyed reading your essay because it really captivated me from the very beginning with the Tony Hawk quote. Why did you decide to use that quote? Have you always had that quote as a mantra for your everyday life? I like your style of writing, its fluid and flows into the next paragraph. I appreciate the journey you take us reader as we go with you in reading about your likes and hobbies.
I would just proof-read for grammatical errors but other then that I’m looking forward to reading your final copy.
Hey Jeicot,
I liked your essay and I found it very interesting, however, I must say that the title of your essay through me off a little bit. From reading your title I thought your essay would be about the āMake A Wish Foundationā and that you got to make an ultimate wish to do whatever you wanted. Anyways although your title was a bit deceiving lol I found your essay interesting. Iām also an introvert so I enjoyed reading your essay being that you are an invert. Overall I think you shield proofread to help improve your final draft.
Hello Jeicot,
Good draft! It’s nice to know that despite being an introvert, you are able to flourish and shine for who you are. Being an introvert, it’s interesting that you find joy in stepping out of your comfort zone and going out of your way to try new things. Also, it’s really cool that you skate. If I knew that before the quarantine, I would ask you to teach me a couple tricks. Your essay here is pretty good. It seems like you had a lot to say about your situation, and I would imagine that there still is a lot that was left unsaid. I feel like the focus should be your experience trying new things, so my advice would be to mention more instances where you have done so. Besides skating, dieting and fitness, how have you managed to push your boundaries?
Be safe!
I loved you story. Although I was never an introvert there are something I wished I’ve done. The only reason Ive didn’t do them was because of other people. I used to be a tad bit judgmental not judgmental in the condescending way or the way to put other down but my opinions where strong. Having that personality discourage me from doing thing. Because my thought process was people will judge me like I judge them. Im still opinionated probally toned a little down compared to my past but I no longer have that mind set of not doing something because of how other may think or feel. I love your mark twain quote in fact hearing that quote a couple years ago is what made me change.
I’m glad you found yourself through your hobbies! I definitely relate to that. Better transitions would definitely help push the essay along. I appreciated your conclusion the most out of everything in your essay because that’s something everyone should go through.
Hey Jeicot Suarez
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I hope everything is going well for you, your essay was very interesting. I have really enjoyed reading your essay on how you overcame the obstacle of being shy and afraid of trying out new things in life. I also had the same issue being too much introverted and hopefully, after reading your essay I get some motivation to improve myself as well. I like the way you started off your essay with that inspirational quote from Tony Hawk about doing what you love. the thing that I suggest when you make a revision is to stick with one story and give a lot more details and also whats the meaning behind the title. That’s it was a pleasure reading your essay. and be safe.