Category: Re-Vision

Hey everyone! Just a reminder that your revisions of your education essays are due on Thursday on the Open Lab BEFORE Prof. Coughlin’s class on Thursday. Please also bring a paper copy to class. For guidelines look under “Units” (listed under re-vision.) It needs to be SUBSTANTIALLY changed, remember! And make sure you look at my comments on your previous draft (I posted them as a comment on your paper here on Open Lab!)

 

 

In my paper I am going to fix many things some are that I left out details in the story that I feel would make the story more interesting. I also believe that I should make a new hook to make people interested in my story and also at the end tell the readers what they should learn from the story. The main thing I’m going to do is fill in missing detail. When I first wrote my essay l skipped many parts and rushed my essay. When I looked at my paper their was more to the story that I bolive is important now only to the story but to me as well when I do it will make the assay much easier to read and it will flow better not as an essay but as a story.

There is still much more that will need to be added I will also take into account the comments left on my paper and try to answer them in the paper. I know I have a problem with procrastinating so I will do the revision to the paper right after class and at home before I go to bed. Beyond this in will explain at the end what I learned from this experience at the very least sentence of the paper. After complete that I will check my grammar because I know that when I write long papers I make a lot of mistakes that I don’t see till it is to late. So I must reread after I have complete my paper 

 

In my revision, I have a lot of goals set for improving my paper. I plan on improving the organization in my story by adding more crucial details, these details will fix the gaps and jumps I have in my story. I also plan on fixing my grammar mistakes since I didn’t indent or space out my essay into paragraphs. My revision will reshape the structure of my essay, I want to move some events around to see how cohesive the story becomes. I want to change the introduction and make a better hook that relates to my topic. That will be my hardest though since I will have to think of a whole concept to attract readers. My first paragraph should be more concise when I’m talking about the early stages of my life since those aren’t the important years. This can also bore readers I plan on focusing on my high school years, these years were eventful which can give me a better story. The climax of my story also seems a little late a good idea will be to centralize this idea, this gives my story a more traditional structure. Individuality is also something I aim for I want my story to stand out amongst my peer’s story. I’ll achieve this goal by making my revision hit all the points I highlighted in this blog post. If I’m able to successfully implement my story elements then I should be able to create a beautiful story that has a great message behind it.

On my paper I did not specify the audience. I need to go over my writing and find not only the audience but the topic and why the reader is reading my story. I will remove sentences and apply more scenes to back up my topic. Also I will work on my transition to make it easier for the reader to know the audience I’m seeking. I did not specify if I was talking to teachers students or both which throws off my whole writing. Transitioning my writing will also help. the reader catch up to what I’m saying going in steps. Instead of me jumping from one thing to another.My plans for all of this is to start over with the goal and audience and applying all these things I said like transition and etc.The other option I had in mind was to take the old version and just add on sort of editing it instead of writing it over. I have a feeling writing it all over would be better because can focus on what I want to perfect on. This means I will automatically remove irrelevant things in my writing. I will also take count on the readings we have read in class to help with my writing. The readings will help me reflect so I can improve what I have. Basically I will start over from scratch with the same side and a solid topic to better my paper. I will also ask my peers to read it for more support.

My plan to revise my essay is to start by changing my Audience, right now it’s for kids who come from an immigrant family and I think that I want to add someone who may be high athority because I want them to see and know that there is a real problem with mixing rascim and education. I want them to see that it’s not fair. I also want to fix my introduction, I want to make it really interesting and eye catching so that when someone is reading it they won’t get bored and they will want  to continue reading. My essay also needs a good conclusion and I want it to wrap up my whole essay without repeating what my introduction says. I think I will do the introduction last so that I can do my main paragraphs first and then get ideas on what to put for my introduction. As professor Hall told me I should describe my scenarios more so that the reader can feel as if they were there with me. I will definitely do that and I hope the reader will feel more attached to my essay because if it. Something that I need to work on more too is my time. When I revise my essay I’m going to do it with time because I’ll fele less stress and I can focus on actually revising it.

There are many things I can do to improve my essay but the approach I’m going to take that’ll drastically change my essay is writing a whole new one but carry the same point behind it. Of course, I’ll keep some things from the essay I’ve written, but reform it in a way where it’ll make a lot more sense to the reader with more details included. My essay currently jumps from many different points and doesn’t stick to one specific thing, which is my downfall, and is very vague, again my fault. I took the stupid route of procrastinating and rushing my essay in less than an hour and wrote it to meet criteria but my grade reflected poorly.  I know what I have to do to improve it and the drastic approach is the only approach I can logically do. Having written a new introduction to adding emphasis to my point and after doing the presentations in class, it gave me a lot of inspiration on how to write the revision and what I have to include/remove.  My new structure will definitely stick to one point and just create a branch of details stemming from that one point. Many of my peers who reviewed my essay, including the professor, stated that there were many points but not even details to build from it and that’s something I need to completely change in my revision. The presentation and my slides really made me realize what I need to say and how I can get my point across in regards to social media affecting the mind of students into hating it as many of the things said online about school really formed an opinion of resenting it.

In my essay/story I discussed a lot of things. I talked about my counselor telling me I couldn’t afford the college that I wanted to attend and etc etc. I felt like I was only elaborating on one part and added t0o much extra information. I may have been confusing the readers a little bit too much. By the end of my essay I want people to know what exactly I mean when I wrote my education story and what the obstacles are with education. There are a majority of problems with education but the financial part of education is overlooked. Yeah we can get Into elementary, middle, and high school for free but we have to pay for college. There are so much obstacles we face with the financial part of education. You have to put your higher education on hold because you don’t have enough money to pay for your school, your books, and etc. Or some people even take out loans. Those loans may be around $90,000.00 by the time you graduate with your bachelors and not to mention interest on top of that. That brings you to about let just say $120,000.00. Here you are in debt and some careers require at least a masters degree and that’s an additional 2 years so you’re paying $160,000.00. How are you supposed to live off a $80,000 salary when you owe $160,000.00 in just student loans because you choose to further your education. No to mention day to day living is very expensive. I will elaborate on some of this and fix the structure. More paragraphs, not just jumping from topic to topic within. AND AS ALWAYS NO PROCRASTINATION !!!

1. Print out, Read and annotate “So What? Who Cares?” HERE . Also, look at question #2 at the end of the reading. I’m not asking you to start revising quite yet, but start finishing the sentences they are asking you to finish (AFTER YOU READ THIS HANDOUT!)

That is, the authors ask you to “look over something you’ve written yourself” (in this case, I’d like you to look over your education narrative) and fill out the following sentences: “My point here, (that __________) should interest those who _________________. Beyond this limited audience, however, my point should speak to anyone who cares about the larger issue of ________________.”

Be thoughtful here. “Education matters” or “hard work pays off” are  kind of a broad and cliche points. Can you say something a little more specific to your piece, and to the experiences you personally have had in life?

POST THIS ON OPEN LAB BEFORE CLASS.

2. Also on open lab, please post your plan for revising your essay. This should be at least 250 words, so “I’m going to fix my mistakes” isn’t going to do it (and what are “mistakes” anyway?) If you plan to work on organization, what is your PLAN for organization (like what do you think your new structure will be? Where do you think you will begin the new draft? How will you take my comments into account? Who will be your new audience? What aspects of your character are you going to express as a writer? What is the occasion (or exigency?) You obviously cannot answer ALL of these questions. I’m not crazy. But these are some of the things you might think about.

Another thing you might want to put into your plan is your plan for your process. If you struggled with procrastination last time, what are you planning to do to combat that?

 

There are many events that everyone had experienced before when it comes to education.  I consider education as a gift because it really changed the point of view of students of how we view education and how it gave us many opportunities to look forward to in the near future. Opportunities such as taking a wide variety of courses , joining amazing and fun clubs , etc.  My  my years in school really thought me a lot of things that helpful and useful in life. Ever since I started school I wanted a nice education experience .

When I was started High School I knew that there was gonna be more opportunities for me take. High School is where  education impacted me the most . I was able to  make lots of friends that would help me along the way . But when I first entered I kept hearing lot about this test called the SAT at first I didn’t really know much about it as it was the beginning of  my freshman year. Two years went by  and  I was in my junior year. I knew it was gonna get a little more challenging since  the SAT was coming up and that was on everyones minds  .  But I soon as I realized next year was gonna be last year and looking back the education that i received was great overall I could explain it in many other ways.  It was also good to be involved and do community service .  All of my friends who studied with me could also agree  . The countless hours of studying and preparing for those tests .Then came Graduation it made me look back from the beginning of my freshman year till now. It really made me realize that the things I learned will always be with me no matter what.  Graduating from High School was a really a event that really impacted my education Knowing that I worked hard for 12 years even since first all the way up to now. Also knowing that college was just two months away. I was really happy with my high school experience and being able to earn my diploma for all of my hard work.

So the beginning of my freshman I didn’t really know what to expect honestly  after making a lot of friends in middle school who which I still hang out with to this day . I had to start all over again but the only difference is meeting new people who are gonna be my classmates for the next four years. I mean I have to make new friends which of course every freshman wants to . So first day we were getting our new metro cards schedules and all other important paper work . So the first day had passed I did talk to some people, but I didn’t really consider them as new friends since its just the first day and that were getting used to being in a new school.  But throughout out freshman year I did made lots of new friends which which they are all friendly of course. Now to my sophomore year Im still keeping in touch with the new friends that I made as we promised that we will help each other out .

But sophomore year was the year that I really opened up more to lots of people. All thanks to a club that I joined but it wasn’t just a club it was a team which I called them my second family as we treated each other like if we were brothers and sisters as everyday after our team meetings we would hang out or fooling around knowing that we were making memories . So then came junior year and oh man so many things that me and my fellow juniors had to deal with. Focusing more  on our classes , studying for the SAT , preparing to qualify to become the next team officers for our senior year . So how did I studied for the SAT by attending Saturday SAT classes which I did find it pretty useful as they had teachers from other schools that would help us prepare. We even had to go through many SAT mock test which everyone did find it annoying well because it was mainly on Fridays but I guess it was kinda helpful. So the day of the SAT finally arrived and I gotta say and my fellow juniors could agree too we were really nervous like we were really sweating . But me I did kept my cool and stayed calm . But even though we practiced a variety of topics we just didn’t know what was actually gonna be on the actually test . So four hours has past and testing was over and we got scores and I guess I did okay but Glad we made it through .  Now our officer training to become next years Team officers was almost done including the school year.

So after our end of the year celebration we just relaxed for a bit while preparing for regents . The regents were a breeze and then the end of our junior year knowing that Im about to enter my senior Year. So senior year was an amazing year I really had lots of fun and I really enjoyed it but even though it your last year you still had to focus on your classes  .  But without a doubt  many memories were definitely made especially at prom and graduation the most  it really made me look back my high school experience was an amazing one that I will never forget. So what Im trying to the new incoming freshman who are about to endure high school just know that there may be challenges ahead but know that your going have a fun experience and enjoy every moment and always take advantage of the education opportunities that they will offer  you .