My plan to revise my essay is to start by changing my Audience, right now it’s for kids who come from an immigrant family and I think that I want to add someone who may be high athority because I want them to see and know that there is a real problem with mixing rascim and education. I want them to see that it’s not fair. I also want to fix my introduction, I want to make it really interesting and eye catching so that when someone is reading it they won’t get bored and they will want to continue reading. My essay also needs a good conclusion and I want it to wrap up my whole essay without repeating what my introduction says. I think I will do the introduction last so that I can do my main paragraphs first and then get ideas on what to put for my introduction. As professor Hall told me I should describe my scenarios more so that the reader can feel as if they were there with me. I will definitely do that and I hope the reader will feel more attached to my essay because if it. Something that I need to work on more too is my time. When I revise my essay I’m going to do it with time because I’ll fele less stress and I can focus on actually revising it.
Month: October 2019
Plan 4 Revision
There are many things I can do to improve my essay but the approach I’m going to take that’ll drastically change my essay is writing a whole new one but carry the same point behind it. Of course, I’ll keep some things from the essay I’ve written, but reform it in a way where it’ll make a lot more sense to the reader with more details included. My essay currently jumps from many different points and doesn’t stick to one specific thing, which is my downfall, and is very vague, again my fault. I took the stupid route of procrastinating and rushing my essay in less than an hour and wrote it to meet criteria but my grade reflected poorly. I know what I have to do to improve it and the drastic approach is the only approach I can logically do. Having written a new introduction to adding emphasis to my point and after doing the presentations in class, it gave me a lot of inspiration on how to write the revision and what I have to include/remove. My new structure will definitely stick to one point and just create a branch of details stemming from that one point. Many of my peers who reviewed my essay, including the professor, stated that there were many points but not even details to build from it and that’s something I need to completely change in my revision. The presentation and my slides really made me realize what I need to say and how I can get my point across in regards to social media affecting the mind of students into hating it as many of the things said online about school really formed an opinion of resenting it.
Plan
In my essay, I talked about the connections between cheating and my highschool experience. At first, i talked about my first encounter with cheating and how even though it was easy to copy homework and taking shortcuts, they didn’t benefit me at all , in fact was hurting my education. During peer review ,i received many helpful feedbacks, but the main problem to it was it’s lack of dialogue. Dialogue would help the reader feel more into the story and gave them a sense of what i was experiencing. The dialogue would also make the essay more storytelling and less of an “assignment”.Not only dialogue but i feel as my essay was extremely rigid and too formal. Another issue I realized was the lack of transition in my essay, it feels rushed and unfinished. As Prof Hall told me, she didn’t quite understand how some parts of my essay correspond with others and my reflection on the essay was unclear. From the part of me copying homework to finding out my friend cheating on the SAT, it didn’t give the reader a clear sense of what the point of the essay was. My audience, who I am speaking as will remain the same but the structure and the small details will need to be changed.
