For my revision, I will be creating a brand new structure for my essay. In my original essay I described multiple situations that have influenced my educational career. However, the original structure was confusing and though I listed multiple situations, thy were not cohesive with one another enough to have a clear storyline. In my new essay I would like to centralize my main point and not leave it to the middle/end of my essay. After reading your comments on my essay, I have decided on a new structure. I will begin the new draft with past details before arriving to New York, the struggles I faced before finding a school, a brief description of my teacher, the event, and a reflection. My audience will be high schoolers in New York. This is because they would understand the struggles of the regents because they would have taken it themselves. As a writer I would express my feelings and my thoughts in the situation better, I have gotten comments that I am vague in my writing and I’m not very expressive. I will be cutting out most of my past writing out of my new essay because they mostly distract from the main experience I’m trying to talk about. I will however, be using brief descriptions of these experiences to enhance my essay. I would also like to improve on my run-on sentences that I make continuously and improve on how I use commas. I would also like to improve on my grammar.
