Kalissa Ortiz

XXXTentacion And His Mind that we never got to figure out.

Album: “SKINS”

Song: “TRAIN FOOD”

I remember when i first heard the song “TRAIN FOOD” it hit me like a moving train that has run off track. I tend to listen to simpler songs, songs with meanings like depression and bad breakups. But this one was different, i’ve never experienced a song like this.

I was laying down in bed and it was almost midnight, it was pretty cold outside but i still had my fan on. I was wrapped in my fluffy blanket, and had my headphones in my ears ready to listen to my late night tunes. I always listen to music before i go to sleep since i have trouble sleeping and this helps. I go onto my Apple music and see that XXXTentacion album “SKINS” was released. I listened to the first song and loved it, “TRAINFOOD” is the third song listed on the album. At first i was listening to it more like a regular song but certain lyrics stood out to me.

“His frequency distorted quick, i seen it in his image, I should’ve run right Fucking there.”

This line caught my attention and i really started to pay closer attention to what he was saying. I also realized how this song almost was like he was talking, it didn’t sound like he was singing or even rapping just sounded like he was having a conversation with listeners. As i listened to the rest of the song what really scared me was when he said “Now it’s here, Death has now arrived, times finally up.” After the song finished all i kept thinking about is that line. It wouldn’t leave my head for hours trying to figure out what he meant. Until i decided to dig deeper.

XXXTentacion album “SKINS” released December 7, 2018 months after his death in middle June. He was shot in Deerfield Beach by Dedrick D. Williams and shortly after died on the way to the hospital. When “SKINS” was released it showed lots of deep symbolism and dark themes in his lyrics. The lyrics can be disturbing to read and analyze but also listening to his sound in music can be hard to listen too. But analyzing further it’s interesting to know what kind of message he was trying to send overall to listeners.

I remember I had walked home that day

Content with all my misery

(This line is very powerful in its own sense, and he says this line a few times in the song. It just shows that he has given up and has comes to term that its always going to be miserable for him)

Told my self it’d get better, no clue what there was next to me

(Kept telling himself it will get better, but it just all got worse from there)

Remember there was people, walkin’, talkin’ in the distance

I was dressed for winter weather

But the summer rays were kissing me

I, I was lost

So I took a different path, in the distance he awaited me

(meaning he had taken a different path with drugs and violence in his life at this point, i think than he realized because of this path he’s chosen now he faces death because of it.)

Had no weapon, I’m guessing his hands were just enough for me

Was no question, I’m guessing he laughed just at the sight of me

I was lost

(This could mean his history with drugs and gang violence)

I remember I had walked home that day

Content with all my misery

Told my self it’d get better, no clue what there was next to me

Remember there was people, walkin’, talkin’ in the distance

I was dressed for winter weather

But the summer rays were kissing me

I, I was lost

And there he was, his presence was alarming

As he approaches casual, we talk ’bout self-harming

He told me “kid, you shouldn’t be walkin’ on your own”

He smiled and laughed, and pat my back

He said, “how far are you from home?”

I said, “maybe 30 minutes”

His frequency distorted quick, I seen it in his image

I should’ve run right fucking there, I-

(I think he may be talking about death here, the conversation he is having is with death. In a lot of his songs he always talks about death, and i think all along he always knew he would die very young)

You ever woke up on a train track

With no motherfuckin’ clothes on?

Death before your eyes, you prayin’ to God, but ain’t no response

Trying to scream for hope, just a shoulder that you can lean on

But ain’t nobody coming, so you scream on

And scream on and scream on

(I think he’s saying that he’s on this train of death, he can’t stop it. There’s no brake, there’s no way out it keeps moving faster by the minute he can’t comprehend it.)

While this evil fuck laugh at you?

(The grim reaper watching him struggle for his life)

Train getting closer, you still surprised that he battered you

Tears falling harder and harder, minutes get minuscule

Could’ve had a son or a daughter, now what you finna do?

You finna die here on this train track

‘Cause clearly after death, ain’t no way you can find your way back

(After death there’s no way out, no reset button)

Thinking ’bout your previous memories, going way back

All them fucking dreams ’bout the diamond chain and the Maybach

(wasted all his time dreaming about materialistic items than thinking about the more important things in his life)

Now your time finally up

Ask yourself the final question, is you going down or up?

(Asking the question if he’s going to heaven or hell)

Recollectin’ all the moments that you never gave a fuck

(i wanted to say think i think he was scared of death which i do think at one point he was. I feel that as the song goes on he doesn’t even care if he dies anymore)

Now it’s here, death has now arrived, time’s finally up

(Reading this is very dark and just shows how all along he knew death was coming and in fact he’d been faced with it many times before. He’s been so close with death almost like he can touch it, but finally it’s got him)

XXXTentacion is an interesting character to me, His music was always daunting, I’ve never heard music like his before. Artist more like Billie Eilish , the neighborhood, or Nirvana were more my tune. I guess you could say XXX is almost like if Kurt Cobain where to start rapping, I feel like his music would be similar to XXX’s music.(Minus the violent behavior that’s described in XXX’s songs)

But XXXTentacion always peaked my interest, i always had a thing for unruly and misunderstood artist. My fascination for him was like the same fascination I had for Kurt Cobain, I spent countless nights and day trying to figure Cobain out. And XXX reminds so much like him, but obviously not entirely because XXX and Kurt are still completely different.

XXXTENTACION also known as Jahseh Dwayne Ricardo Onfroy had a very violent and traumatic past. Onfroy spent a lot of time in and out of juvenile detention centers for charges like robbery and assault.XXXTentacion’s first breakout hit was “Look At Me!” his mugshot was the song cover. He was in jail when the song started to become more mainstream, XXX was charged with Witness Tampering, And the assault and battery of his pregnant girlfriend. XXX use to rap about things like beating a gay male at a detention center. He often rapped about very violent topics and even Spotify threatened to remove his music because of its vile nature. Some people have struggled trying to figure out XXXTENTACION, I know a lot people won’t support him even in the slightest for the charges that was made against him and all the violent things he has done and openly shared with the world. Some people even wanting him to die, saying he deserved it. And just maybe he thought so too, why else would he constantly talk about his death? Maybe he already knew all the bad things he did and saw he didn’t deserve to be alive. That could be the reason why he knew he would die so young or maybe he wanted to die young. But our questions aren’t answered and probably never will.

I’ll end with this tweet from XXXTentacion from December 10 2016.

Maybe this is what he wanted.

MAKE OUT HILL – XXX

✔

@xxxtentacion

“When I turned 13, I blew out my candles, my wish was to be dead at the age of 18.”

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