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Developmental Writing Express Summer 2019
The Split Self: Personal Identity On- and Off-line
Joi’s CAT W practice essay was well organized, her thesis was clear and also the thesis about Gloria’s work. Joi used strong vocabulary in her essay that was good. What she did good was that she used personal experience to demonstrate how she was exposed to the word and how as years passed by she started to learn more about the origin of the word. I feel that the third paragraph she could have elaborated more on what was going on through the mind of the black kid when he heard the white boy call him the N word, also tell what happened after he chased the white boy. The conclusion was solid she summarized the whole essay and also told why the topic is important for readers and other people to pat attention too.
Going over Joi’s essay I’ve noticed the good amount of details given. She goes in depth with her explanations, and provides enough context from Gloria Naylor’s passage. In the introduction we were given a well explained thesis that would come in sync with Naylor’s main topic. In the paragraph afterwards The detailed story catches the readers attention; she gives background information such as a life story where we see time become a huge factor from the occurrence of her realization on the noun. This continues throughout the essay especially in the counter argument, where towards the end she explains how the word has history. Giving more details on the history of the noun would make this essay a lot stronger than it is. Other than that the counter argument was introduced with a great transition, and the conclusion is a summary that remained to the original thesis which makes it a strong concluding statement.
Joi’s essay was well formed, had a well explained and clear thesis. It even has a personal experience which I really liked. Her personal opinion is clear and lastly her conclusion was great. It stood out to me the most but her fourth paragraph could’ve been elaborated more, like what were the two boys arguing about? Or like try to add the whole story in detailed from beginning the end.
from Munair: You stated that the essay was rushed but even though it was rushed you still had time to address the topic head-on, you provided a wide variety of examples that help to prove your point. It was very accurate the way you Referenced Gloria Naylor experience to your encounter of the term. The way you showed the development of the word on a whole. I like how you introduce a survey on a debatable aspect throughout the 4th paragraph alongside your Outside information about the 2 boys In a conflict the story could have been elaborated on a bit more, Apart from that it is fine.