Post the full introductory paragraph to your Personal Narrative here by pasting it into the comment box. Remember your goal is to hook (excite/interest) the reader so he/she wants to keep on reading.
Deadline for posting introductions is BEFORE 12pm on Sunday, September 16.
Then, read and comment on the introductions of at least 3 your classmates. Please post feedback/comments to each other’s introductions by replying to the individual post. You may comment on what is effective or ineffective about the intro, whether it successfully grabs your attention (why/why not?). Does it introduce the main characters? Reveal the premise? Get the plot moving? Establish time and place? Set tone/mood? Establish the voice or writing style? In what ways?
If a particular introduction has already received a few comments and you have nothing new/unique to add, please choose another student’s work to comment on.
Deadline for comments is before class on September 17.
Anthony Ramcharan
Prof. Choi
English 1101 D348
Personal Narrative Introduction
If you asked me how I would impact/change the world. You’ll be expecting something like “Create a Cure for Cancer”, Or even “Make a Program that is able to counter Hacking”. However my answer is helping those who need it the most, the homeless. I say this due to how often I see them, when I am traveling between my neighborhood and places I go across the years I been alive.
i have helped the people in need too and i love the feeling of helping those that are less fortunate.
It feels like this is positive energy story from the beginning of your expression and I want to know more about it.
Anthony, this intro is incomplete. It doesn’t not clearly establish your premise or the neighborhood you will be characterizing. Revise accordingly.
Aylin Ortega
Prof. Choi
English 1101 (D348)
Personal Narrative
The bright orange sun illuminated over downtown brooklyn and I felt its warmth kiss over my face. I felt the itchy grass in between my fingers as I sat next to John. Summer was close to an ending and what other best way to end it than having a picnic in one of the best sightseeing parks. Every now and then you would hear the cars honking above us as they sped through the brooklyn bridge. Even though this moment was picture perfect I couldn’t help but right away start digging into our food that we had prepared. As soon as we sat down the first thing we did was eat our 6 foot sandwiches. I wanted to stay like this forever.
really descriptive and great use of imagery
Great use of imagery in this intro made me feel like I was there
This was really heart touching, you intro pulled me in and i cant wait to hear the rest
Imagine this: you’re stuck in a very tight area, unknown of your exact location. Father Time takes a break from the real world, as the situation feels endless. The windows surrounding you are pointless, as the only thing you can see aside from a view of pitch black is blood-colored graffiti that spells something in which you can’t make out. A symphony of aggravated moans and groans fills the unpleasant musty air, that reeks of the hobos on 42nd Street. And the crowd around you is no different from the same crowd in that area. Your only options to keep your balance are the wintery feel of a metal rod, or the hairy roughness of a human arm. And the cherry on top of this baked piece of hell, is the uncertainty of when you’re ever going to get out of this predicament. This, my friends, is the horror of being stuck on the E train.
i really like the way you described the feeling of being stuck in the train, i myself dont like that feeling of being stuck in those dumb trains.
The feeling of stuck in the train is just horrible. I like the details you described in this paragraph.
I love your description of being on the train I feel like the imagery was spot on.
Mikki, I love this! You’ve captured the “horror” beautifully. I feel as if I’m there with you. Great job with your unique descriptions.
I like the fact you use a lot of descriptive words.
Catiouceca Jean-Louis
Prof Choi
English 1101(D348)
Personal Narrative
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to John F.Kennedy International Airport. Local time is 01:36pm and the temperature is 85 degrees Farenheit. For your safety and your comfort please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until the Captain…” Finally we were here. Finally I could stretch and get off my awkward seat. My legs fell asleep and I couldn’t feel my butt anymore. My backbone was crying for help and my head was spinning. This was my second time being on a airplane and I was all excited to experience once more being inside of this navy blue mechanical bird. I was already looking forward to make my envious best friends jealous by bragging about how my summer was lit and how it was thrilling to get to know more of the world when I will be back in a few weeks for school in Haiti. “Please check around your seat for any personal belongings you may have brought on broad with you and please use caution when opening your overhead bins as..” The sweet voice of the blonde flight attendant was echoing throughout the space and people were starting to move around their seats as she keeps making the final announcements. Some were checking their bags, others were waking up from their long 4hours nap and a few were rushing to get to the bathrooms to relieve their full bladder. I bend down to grab my marroon carry-on under my seat and automatically took my metal seat belt off. My neighbor was still sleeping next to me and was drooling over himself after eating his blue chips and drank all his sodas. I called out my mom’s name over to the other row where she was seating with my twin sisters and she instantly got up and opened the bin on top of her head. I was in New York, enthusiastic and ready to begin my adventure.
I like how detailed you made this. Very descriptive for such a short period of time.
I like the sentences and details you express in this paragraph.
The way you structure your stories and make sure the reader can visualize what you are talking about was a good component to your intro.
Emeli perez ceballos
Prof. Choi
English 1101(D348)
Personal Narrative
This summer i had the most incredible experience of working at a kitchen and food pantry organization called The United Methodist Center. The first day of starting any job is stressful, and i was beyond stressed. i went off to work and thoughts began to run through my mind of how will my day go. This made me more nervous than i was already, but i calmed my self down by before i walked into work. i greeted my boss and my co-workers and began my day. My daily work consisted of preparing meals for the people in need in my community. At the start it was very hectic but i quickly adapted to it since i had experience working in a fast paced environment. All of the workers have to move really fast, by the hundreds people coming through the door to receive a meal to help them go through the rest of the day. When i leave my work for the day i feel really good inside because i know i helped people with something that many take for granted.
It’s great that you enjoy making others feel happy. The people you met there were very lucky to meet you.
you did a good job explaining how work is like for you. I like how you described what you do at work, and why it makes you feel good.
Emeli, remember you are just giving us the intro. What will fill the rest of the 3-4 pages of your narrative? The conflict seems to have resolved itself too quickly and too easily. Think more about your focus/purpose.
Also, read some of the above examples to see how you can incorporate more descriptive writing – remember to “show” us (not just tell us) your story.
Yasmin Zeidyyeh
Prof. Choi
English 1101 (D348)
Personal Narrative
Each block you walk in Jackson Heights is a trip to different places around the world. Queens being the most culturally diverse place on Earth, you wouldn’t be surprised seeing people with different backgrounds. More than half of its residents are immigrants, particularly Colombians, other Latinos, and South Asians, with its own Little India. Different people, different ethnicity, different traditions, different way of life, etc. yet all come together with the same mindset: to live peacefully in a safe neighborhood. Having a sense of safety in your neighborhood is important and an individual would feel confident to walk on the streets of Jackson Heights due to it its low crime and neighborhood pride. Brining safety and diversity into one neighborhood will definitely give you exhilarating experiences.
i like how you specify the different nationalities living inside of the neighborhood
I like how you describe the different types of people in your community and do a good job bringing a sense of safety.
The way you describe your neighborhood pulled my attention and i’m interested in knowing more about it.
Zeidyyeh, good start in establishing the setting and beginning to characterize Jackson Heights for us. However, the intro should give us a peak into the story’s action, so we will want to continue reading. Try to incorporate this.
I liked the description and how you expressed every detail
Nimra Naz
prof. Choi
English 1101 (D348)
Personal Narrative
I live in Springfield Gardens. Which is famous for its parks and Greenery. The picture I took is of a Park name Brookville Park. This park is a block away from my house. I go to this park every morning just to make myself calm and relaxed. It has a beautiful lake. The water in the lake makes me think how life doesn’t stop for anyone and it keeps moving on and on, no matter good or bad.
The way you ended this really pulled me in. I get the feeling your story will get extremely deep at some point.
I like how you talk about the lakes significance towards you, but I feel like you mostly were telling not showing
I like how you talk about the lakes significance towards you, but I feel like you mostly were telling not showing
that is really nice the way you described the place that is important in your life and cant wait to hear more about it.
Nimra, there is too much “telling” in this intro. You don’t have to tell us about the picture you brought to class. Rather, just tell us the story that the picture has inspired you to write about in your Personal Narrative. The last line, “The water in the lake makes me think of how life doesn’t stop for anyone and it keeps moving on and on…” is really beautiful. I think you could use this to develop your story’s premise. Is it related? Cut out the unnecessary telling and give us more of your story.
Yelitza Fernanda Cen Xie
Prof.Choi
English 1101(D348)
Personal Narrative
“I can’t do it, I can’t; I really can’t.”All the horror pictures I imagined began to appear in my mind. My body was shaking like it was being Shocked. I hold my breath, my heart beats quickly and seems to jump out of my chest! I closed my eyes tightly and squatted on the floor. I heard the laughter of the children and the screams from the entertainment. There are many people on the sidewalk, very crowded, like the waves, always heading to the front. The delicious food scent attracts a lot of people to buy, especially the popcorn you can even smell the fresh popcorn scent across the streets. However, these pleasant entertainment facilities and delicious food can’t help me to calm my fear down. My friend asked me a request that was difficult for me and even impossible for me to complete in my life.
you described the setting really well and makes me wonder more about what is going on and what the challenge is about
The amount of details you put in your intro made it feel so real. I love it…
I really liked the way you describe your feeling. I can feel it.Like you said “my friend asked me a request that was difficult” that line really point out to me I can’t wait to hear more about it.
Yelitza, this is good in establishing the reader’s interest. But I’m also confused as to where you are (the setting) and what is happening (why are you so scared in the midst of this seeming cheerful environment?). I look forward to seeing where this goes.
With all the details I can imagine how it looks like where that happened
Alghazali Yasmin
Prof. Choi
ENG1101
Peer Narration
It All Started With A Phone Call
“MOM QUICK GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NOW I HAVE TO CALL THE COPS” was all it
took for the beginning of a new friendship that no one would have ever expected. Everyone
assumes that I was always this out going confident girl but in reality I was the complete
opposite. You see as I kid I never really had any friends other than my uncle, my two brothers,
my parents, and my cat. This was literally the sum up of my friends ever since the incident
that happened in the summer of 2004 that changed my life completely upside down.
I really liked how you hooked the reader in, and you being an outcast girlll I can totally relate
Yasmin, this is interesting, but also confusing. Asking your mom for her phone to call the cops ends up in a new friendship? We need more sign posts to understand this. Also, rather than ending on an exaggerated note about a mysterious incident that “changed my life completely upside down,” let us in on what the incident was so we can judge for ourselves. Good start, but keep going.
Khaskhali Waleed
Prof. Choi
English 1101
Personal Narration
It was on a very dark and cold night. Me and my family enjoying some time together inside the warmth of our home. It was a day before me and my older brothers state test. We were just trying to relax and not put too much stress on ourselves. My older brother walks in to the kitchen to grab a snack, when he looks through the window and sees something. He screams in panic and drops everything on the ground, I see him come rushing through the hallway with a face of fear and shock.
I love the imagery portrayed in your writing its very vivid.
Harun Thadhani
Prof. Choi
English 1101(D348)
Personal Narrative Essay-Intro Paragraph
Imagine waking up everyday for the rest of you’re life. How would you feel? I would feel blessed to be able to open my eyes to get up and start my day. Now imagine one day you don’t wake up, you’re surrounding would be pure dark. I had gotten into a car accident one day and that day changed me forever. It was a life or death situation, turned out to be a positive and negative outcome. God gave me another chance at life, and I’m super grateful. This day gave me an awakening call, told myself to get up and do something with my life to become somebody. Whenever I drive now, I have too much tension on my mind. I get flashbacks of the accident of how it happened and where. Everyday is a new day, and for the rest of my life I will always be thankful for everything I have in my life.
I’m glad that you are thankful and appreciate what you have in your life.
That’s really scary to hear. Just make sure you leave some suspense.
I like how you explain life in your eyes and you cant take it for granted.
Alexis Basarte
Prof. Choi
ENG 1101 (D348)
Personal Narrative
Have you ever felt strange in your neighborhood? Well it was me the first months when I move here because of so many things. To start I have just moved from Dominican Republic, leaving my dad and all my friends there. It was a new start for me, new school, new neighborhood, new language which was the biggest barrier for me and it was hard to communicate with people in the neighborhood. But that was just the beginning of getting used to live in this country and the rhythm of the city.
Dont know specifically where you going with this but it sounds interesting I wanna know more .
Whitney Reed
Prof. Choi
Sept 16,2018
Personal narrative intro
One minute I’m in class learning algebra and the next minute my heart racing as I sit in the 73rd precinct waiting to be seen with my father. It was my first year in high school you know that exciting yet terrified feeling you get when you have to suddenly be around new people and a new environment. That type of feeling that made the middle of your palms sweat and increase in heat while your face tightens and began to let off some steam. You see for me I was kind of hesitant because not only was I starting a new school but the school was located in my neighborhood .My neighborhood don’t necessarily have a good reputation to it especially this school. Yup! Me Whitney attending Frederick Douglass academy 7 a school known for drugs ,violence ,low graduation rate and low safety. With all the blame going to nyc department of education leaving me out to dry in this hell hole of a school because the schools that I applied to at the time didn’t choose so I got stuck with my zone school. Thanks to them I had to later fill out a police report because of series of chain events .What happened ?You ask well I’m going to tell you.
Allen Lin
Prof. Choi
English 1101 (D348)
Personal Narrative
Imagine moving to a new place and not know how well you will fit in. What would you do? On a bright summer day I got on the plane and prepared for flight. In my mind, I recall what my family has said to me few weeks ago. My mother said, “Allen we are starting to move 1 week from now.” I was shocked as many questions came into my mind. “How will my first day at the new school be? Will I make any friends? Is it a place where I can get use to? As I took the first steps onto New York I felt a slight uneasiness as the places I went to, the people I knew and the streets have all changed. I was in a complete different place and I had to be prepared for it.
Weekend game in Yankee
People might not like Bronx but Yankee game is one of the reason that drags thousand of American and tourist almost very week. Eventually 161st Yankee Stadium is a very busy area especially in Grand Concourse witch also known for mad traffic. Drivers hate grand concourse. but in game days traffic becomes worst that you don’t even want to go there. by the way, i live in 164st Grand Concourse and my work place is very near from Yankee Stadium. funny right? Yeah! Since i have been in New York, i saw those every single day. Mostly in game days you will find that area in a different scenerio than regular days.
Ricardo Sharpe
Prof. Choi
English 1101
D348
Having a home is a very important piece to your life, now imagine finding out your moving to a bigger and better house on Christmas day. My parents broke the news to me and my sister and we couldn’t help but feel relieved. We had been waiting on this moment for years the current house we were in was beginning to get smaller and smaller as me and my sister began to grow more older so it was only fitting that we moved out and found a better place. But this new house was unlike anything we could’ve imagined, the house was in a suburban area which was already a positive compared to our previous house which was more in a ghetto area and also the house was roomy and had so many different floors and areas of space, that moment changed Christmas forever for me and my family.
Ahmed Wagiealla
Prof. Choi
English 1101(D348)
Personal Narrative Essay-Intro Paragraph
4:00 Thursday it was a Rainy day that just began to see some sunlight. I was on my walk home from school recently exiting the Kings Highway train station. The streets were still dap and semi flooded. The weather seemed to be fitting of the area that consisted of large castle like churches and Synagogues, different religions but yet similar architecture very grey and gloomy themed. It almost looked like there was a funeral going on, regardless the silence was enjoyable. Moving on the sky started to clear up more, and the sun started to shine brighter. The puddles then began to reflect as if the where clean mirrors and that added some some color to the dark streets. Its was a weird sight very unusual at an area like this. For once the block filled with serious buildings and people looked like a picture an urban artist would of drawn.
Koroma, Albert
Prof. Choi
English 1101
Personal Narrative
People argue for plenty reasons. it may be professionally, it may be unnecessarily. when people argue professionally rather than it being termed “arguing” its usually referred to as a “debate”. people who are engaged in debate, are effectively joined together in a search for truth. They’re trying to support their argument while at the same time questioning another person’s arguement, and through that process trying to get close to the truth on particular issue. when your in an environment where this is not very common, life get difficult for you.