Post the full introductory paragraph to your Personal Narrative here by pasting it into the comment box. Remember your goal is to hook (excite/interest) the reader so he/she wants to keep on reading.
Deadline for posting introductions is BEFORE 12pm on Sunday, September 16.
Then, read and comment on the introductions of at least 3 your classmates. Please post feedback/comments to each other’s introductions by replying to the individual post. You may comment on what is effective or ineffective about the intro, whether it successfully grabs your attention (why/why not?). Does it introduce the main characters? Reveal the premise? Get the plot moving? Establish time and place? Set tone/mood? Establish the voice or writing style? In what ways?
If a particular introduction has already received a few comments and you have nothing new/unique to add, please choose another student’s work to comment on.
Deadline for comments is before class on September 17.
William Tang
Prof.Choi
English 1101(D302)
Personal narrative introduction
The day was hot and was also the day where my grandpa arrived to visit us. My grandpa
was a stern man yet also gentle. I however did not see him gentle at first until the day he invited
to go to a new york tour with him. This was a surprising situation to me because my grandpa
Seldomly invites me to go out with him or go out a lot when he visits us in new york. I was about
Decline the offer but my mother persuaded me to to the tour with me saying how “you should go
With your grandpa because you will learn or have some fun outside with him”, so i agreed, I
Wasn’t sure if i saw it correctly at that time but he was happy smiling a little i thought i was
Imagining things so i ignored it and prepared for the tour that starts next week. The tour went to
Many different well known places in new york like the federal hall, 9/11 monument and many
Other places. This tour made my bond with my grandpa closer than before and i was happy
About it as well.
To improve this introduction, you can fix some of the grammar mistakes.
Since your narrative focus is on your grandpa, I would recommend starting with his description vs. telling us the day was hot. “My grandpa was a stern man, but he was also gentle.” Then explain what you mean by this, then reveal that he’s invited you on a tour of NYC, and establish the setting. Remember the neighborhood plays a key part in this story, so begin characterizing it.
As this is just the intro, and not the whole story, there’s no need to rush through the whole story in this one paragraph.
To improve this intro you can use some strong vocabulary words
It was a great introduction but there were a couple of grammar mistakes and you could add more figurative language.
Jose Castillo
Prof. Choi
English 1101 (D302)
Personal Narrative Introduction
The night I came face to face with death, is a night I’ll always remember. As lightning and thunder fills the dark blue Nicaraguan sky, rain hits the roof of the car over me and my brother’s heads. A series of gun fire erupts from the darkness, the bullets barely missing us. Fear of the great unknown began making it’s way through my bloodstream, heart pounding a million beats per minute, every second felt like hours and every breath felt like my last. As my older brother hugged my little brother and I, he covered our ears and whispered a prayer. The sounds of mother nature and gunshots fade, and the empty void of my mind begins to fill itself with white noise. The only thought going through my head was “I will make it home”.
Great opening. It clearly establishes your premise and puts readers in the moment with you.
Pay attention to grammar/mechanics, though, as these mistakes are interfering with the flow of the intro.
Now this is a story that I want to see, just how much action there is going in one paragraph…. so much happening yet I understand the intensity of this situation. I want to know more detail but since this is a hook; you’ve now got the fish pulling. – Vincent Romualdo
I love the beginning because it got my attention right way and I was still interest after the first sentence. The adjective words use was very captivating to me.
The beginning of the intro really captured my attention and the way you portrayed what was going on really made me feel as if I was there.
Brianna Guillen
Prof. Choi
English 1101 (D302)
Personal Narrative Introduction
The day has finally come. I was in my room looking at my dress anxiously . I waited my 4 years in high school for this day. My best friends and I would talk about this day during lunch, gym and in class. As I look at my dress you can see the how sparkly the diamonds were. The light pink color of the dress looked rose petals. As I take my dress and put it on I instantly felt this feeling. I felt butterflies in my stomach. Way to many butterflies. My date was about to come to my house. This was the first time he was going to meet my parents and my older brother. My older brother is a police officer. As you can already tell I was freaking out. ‘What happens if they don’t like him?’, ‘How are they going to react when they first see him?’ Many thoughts were going on in my head. I walked to the mirror and looked at myself. The dress flowed down elegantly to my feet. As I walked downstairs my parents were looking at me in awed. I instantly felt myself turning red like a tomato. I sat on the couch and waited. I then saw three figures appear by the door. The doorbell rang. My heart raced anxiously. It was him.
To improve this introduction, different transitions words can be used.
For organizational purposes, I would move the second sentence “I was in my room…” down to follow the sentence “My best friends..” — that way you’ve finished talking about “the day” in past terms and are now in the present moment living it.
I would work more on the description of the dress. I can tell the color and some features, but I can’t really visualize this amazing dress.
I would remove the “As you can already tell” because we can’t tell this unless you tell us. Or maybe replace “tell” with “imagine”? That makes more sense.
The ending is great, and achieves in making the reader invested in your story.
I liked your intro because it makes the reader interested to your story
I like that I can get an idea of how anxious you are, but I want to also be able to feel that. Besides the organizational issues and a need for more figurative language, your intro has great potential.
When you hear New York City, you think of a fast paced city life and commotion everywhere. New York City, a melting pot of many people but also a place I now call home. Since the beginning of my childhood, I moved around from state to state with my family until we finally settled in Queens. We found a suburban home in a neighborhood called Jamaica Estates. Now, this neighborhood isn’t what I expected on our first day of moving in. Usually when we carried our moving boxes into whatever new home we were in at the time, I was always used to a street full of kids riding their bicycles down the sidewalks and cars passing one by one. But today as I stepped out the car, holding my bags in one hand while I looked around, I could tell it was a lot different than what I knew.
– Sanjidah Khan
Your opening sentence has potential, but remember to show vs. tell – “When you think of New York, you see ___, you hear ___, you smell ___.”
After you describe what people usually think about New York, you should follow up with whether or not this has met your expectations or if you’ve encountered something different (which you seem to based on your reaction to your new Queens neighborhood). Organization is key!
I really like the opening and I can see many way you can go from here so keep up the good work.
Although you were missing some punctuation and figurative language, I could really see you in a new neighborhood perplexed by how different it is. I do think you should talk about your new neighborhood after the first sentence, and then talk about how you’ve seen many different neighborhoods.
There’s great use of figurative language in the intro, you can really see and hear how New York is like.
Mohamed Hawater
Prof.Choi
English 1101 (D302)
Personal Narrative Introduction
In a hot sunny day when my eyes opened at 9 am in the morning. I woke up on my little brother screaming “wake up wake up, it’s Sunday!!”. I promised that I will take him to the park. It was our second week in the country away from home. In my mind, I was uncomfortable with the people in the neighborhood because of how they are unlike each other in terms of the country they came from, the language they speak, and their traditions which made me thought that we will have many obstacles to make friends who are not from the same country we came from. I believed that the idea of the “Race” could make me different from the people in my neighborhood. I tried to convince my brother to stay home and we can play video games together, but he was very determined about going out to the park since he has not been to play soccer for almost two months. Finally, we were out to the park. I felt thirsty in that hot weather, so I left my brother in the corner of the play-ground and went to buy a bottle of water for just a couple of minutes. I came back to the park. Suddenly what I saw was the biggest surprise that ever happened to me.!!
First, you need to work on establishing the setting more clearly. Where are you? What country are you comparing it to? More concrete descriptions are necessary.
The end is confusing because you’ve set it up to seem like you’ve returned with your water and your brother has disappeared. However, that last sentence throws the reader off because you mention returning to “the biggest surprise,” which tells us something good has happened. So the cliffhanger in the introduction needs to be clear, not ambiguous.
Also, I’ve noticed that you have various grammatical issues. Please work on this by practicing more of the exercises in our Grammar guide and making an appointment with one of the writing tutors to go over your work.
I like the ending of the intro because that got my attention right a way and it made me more intrigued to read the rest of the story.
Dillon Bacchus
Prof. Choi
English 1101 (D302)
Personal Narrative Introduction
As I look around I see myself surrounded by tall palm trees and faces I have never seen in my entire life. The heat felt like it was hitting against my skin with such force as if the weight of the world was towering over me. I was not in New York anymore. Instead I was in my parents country, Guyana for my cousins wedding. It was the first time I have ever been there and the first time I’d be meeting my cousins. This would be a whole new scenery for me and I did not know what I’d expect, especially meeting my cousins. On the way there during the plane ride , plenty of questions were running through my head ranging from what will they look like, how are they like, if they will like me, and a whole bunch of others. The flight was about 7 hours but it felt no where near that, in fact it felt shorter and I couldn’t believe it when the flight attendant came on the speaker and said we will be landing shortly. The plane had finally come to a stop and my heart was racing, the moment of truth was here and I was not ready for what was in store for the next two weeks.
What do the faces you’ve never seen before look like? Show us.
There’s a problem with the simile of the heat hitting you with force because the image of the world towering over you does not convey that force. If something towers over you, it refers to something being tall, not hitting you.
Also why bring us back to the plane ride when you’ve already started the story in Guyana surrounded by palm trees. Is your entire family waiting for you at arrivals? Is something interesting going to happen at the airport?
If not, remove it. I would recommend that after the sentence where you tell us you’re in Guyana for a wedding that you start introducing us to some of the main characters and your impressions of them. Begin establishing the action.
I suggest you start the introduction off from the plane ride, bring the reader in the moment with you. Organization and grammar correction will give this introduction more depth without being too revealing.
I think you have some great ideas for a great introduction, however I think you should start with figurative language. Use figurative language to talk about the difference in the environment from New York to Guyana.
Anderson Salcedo
Prof. Choi
English 1101 (D302)
Personal Narrative (intro)
“Everyone get out” screams the bus driver while opening the doors. People rush out the door to the side walk of Leffert Blvd, Queens. Police siren closes in the distance, as steam is rising from the African American women’s head. On the other hand, the Hispanic women involved in the situation seemed panic and so did do her kids. As she was speaking to the officer her hands were shaking as if she had seen a ghost or as if she had been sprinting for a long time and could barely hold her own breath. Suddenly as one of the aggressor is handcuffed a spotlight turns on, “Flash, Flash” people start taking pictures and coming around to watch.
Great set up for your story, though I had some confusion regarding what’s happening:
“Involved in the situation” – Can you say more? The reader doesn’t know what’s happening.
The aggressor is a different character from the two women mentioned?
I felt like was in that bus because you describe the situation really well and kind of felt what you might felt at the time.
Instead of using “On the other hand”, introduce the other character in different way.
How many aggressors are there ?
Build up some tension, cause it feels like I missed all the action.
This intro can be improved by adding more details.
You have a really great hook and a great intro, however the only thing missing here is the situation. There’s a lot of action, but I can’t tell what actually happened. Also you may want to reword the part where you say “as steam is rising from the African American women’s head” because I can’t tell whether she’s angry or if something happened. Maybe then this will clear up who is the aggressor vs who is victim.
Before the time I discovered the internet, my past time was usually playing the Nintendo DS or watch local TV; looking back it was the dark ages for me. However, my family and I would go to down to Church Avenue to buy groceries or other necessities; the area was rather bland but there was something that caught my eye. A street fair would occur on a certain month on Sundays, I’d see and smell lemonade, shish- kabobs, corn on a cob, and cotton candy; besides that the fair was an etsy marketplace that sold cheap clothing and toys. In 2007 of a particular Sunday, I’ve discovered Gameboy Advance games that were being sold and from what I chose, it was a Star Wars game that I never completed due to my young small mind. These street fairs still happen but they don’t grab my attention but when I go pass one, I would at least look at what weird stuff there is to see.
Hmm, what is the rest of your story going to be about? I thought you were going to focus on something that happened at one of these fairs, but your last sentence seems to wrap it up. Remember this is just your intro to the rest of your 3-4 page story.
Next time, add more details about the fair. Be more descriptive about it.
You should of included more details at to why playing video games was the “dark ages” for you while also including more vivid descriptions.
Amy Jeenarine
Professor Choi
English 1101 (D302)
Personal Narrative
A New Home
Mist curled around the car as it drove by buildings that soared into the sky and houses that stuck to each other like glue. I sat uneasily on my fathers lap, my sister beside us. I was feeling a little numb after leaving my mammy and daddy back home in Guyana to come see my mother and father. I was lost and the deafening silence of America did not help. America has so many buildings, and even though it was already 5 am, no one was up and about. All of a sudden, the car stops in front of a house. I shivered feeling like my heart was crying. It was a big red and white house that loomed over me like a storm. All of a sudden, a woman runs out in a night dress and pulls my sister and I into a really tight hug. She was crying, and the only thing I could make out was her telling us she was our mom. I didn’t know how to respond, so I stayed mum.
This is a great intro, from the descriptions to the movement in time. I had a couple questions, though.
Are you in a taxi?
Who are your mammy and daddy back home? Who is the “father” whose lap you’re sitting in?
I really liked how descriptive you were. It created a picture in my head.
You have a lot of great details that help me make an image in my head as to what is happening. However, I’m confused in the part in which you were seating in your father’s lap and then that you miss your daddy. You should add more detail as to what occur.
Diego J Mieles Jr
Prof.Choi
English 1101(D302)
Personal Narrative Introduction
The morning was brisk and barely light out for me to travel to school. The smell was heavy of motor oil and wet grass. I was walking with no thought and no worry of anything eventful to happen that day. For a thursday, in March was a little chill. The walk does not take long for me to get the train station to go to school. The ground was cover with a lot snow but the sidewalk was freshly shoved. The path I take was a residential area, so I thought the sidewalk would be not cover with snow but the driveway was cover with a mountain of snow. I try to climb the mountain but fail. All I saw was darkness.
Nice atmosphere for the introduction, I can imagine myself trying to walk through the snow and how it would feel struggling the small mountains of snow. Although, hopefully there would be a story relating to overcoming something in your life story.- Vincent Romualdo
There are some grammatical and punctuation issues, but over all I like your intro. I did have some confusion while I was reading, but I just think that had to do with the grammatical and punctuation issues.
your intro is very great as it caught my attention because of the proper figurative languages you used
Eric Garcia
Prof.Choi
English 1101(D302)
Introduction
Open eyes yet i cant see nothing but the light from the moon shining across my room. Just a few hours left for me to get up and start the best holiday, Halloween. My brother waking me telling me we are late first thing is first school, you have to go to school my mother said,” tienes que estudiar para tu futuro”. Nervous because today the teachers allowed us to come dress with our costume on. hoping i could bring the coolest costume all black cover from head to toe, only but the white of my eyes visible with my sword hanging in my back looking like a potential threat with a sword that big, but those are the perks of being a 10 year old kid nobody thinks your going to do anything bad.
The “i” is supposed to be capitalized but besides that, I’m interested to see how your Halloween was like and I think it would helpful if you would translate dialogue because it would attract readers. Nonetheless, I believe this story has a lot of potential for goofy hijinxs. – Vincent Romualdo
Jalen costa 9/16/18
prof. Choi
Eng 1101 Personal Narrative essay introduction
In my projects my neighbor like to celebrate being able to live there. So once a year they throw the loudest, craziest parties on Marcy day. Unlike my neighbors my family celebrate it differently, by that I mean we leave for the whole day and come back later in the evening. And this year would be no different so in the morning we were getting ready to visit my grandma’s house, then after that we spend the rest of that day in the mall avoiding the projects.
The introduction can use more detail to improve it.
Use more details to get the readers attention.
Giuseppe Biondi
Prof. Choi
English 1101 (D302)
Personal Narrative Introduction
The tree, a tree that I care more then anything else, a tree that helps me getting every difficult task done, and remembers me of the most inspiring person of my life, my grandpa. A tree that reminds me of all trips of every Saturday or Sunday, were me and my grandpa use to go when I was back in Italy. That tree, that every morning remembers me of a adventure, past, and the one I take every morning a step over my house door. A tree that will always have the summer smell of the nature, a nature that brings me back in the hills of Sicily, where my grandfather and I walked step by step, admiring what nature has given us, a gift that many planets in the universe do not have, trees. A tree that my grandfather took from the hills, and then plant it in front of my house, so that it reminds me of all the advice that he shared with me.
Damirjon Ulmasov
Prof. Choi
Eng 1101 (302)
Personal narrative essay (Intro)
As many of us know and have experienced, living far away from your home
country to another country makes you miss your family, country and makes your
love and relationship even more stronger with your family. I came to United States
in June, 2013 with my parents, my sister and my brother. Now it’s December,
2015, it’s been more than two years since we living abroad in United States. Now
it was time to experience returning to my home country in Uzbekistan from living
two and half years in United States. My main goal was to see my family and do get
my some documents which is getting my passport from there, because I was turning
16. We already bought tickets for the trip. I missed my country and family so much, I
couldn’t wait to go back to my home country and meet my grandma, grandpa and my
other relatives.
I feel like I can really relate to your intro being that I also came from another country. However, you’re missing some figurative language mainly in the area where you started talking about going back home. Over all, I really like the ideas in your intro.
You should of included more vivid description as to how you felt or what your experience was like, instead of just telling us.
xincheng zeng
Prof. Choi
English 1101 (D302)
Personal Narrative Introduction
When I was 16 years old I moved to the united states which in 2017. As a foreigner, I feel everything fresh. Cause I lived in China been 16 years. When I first time came to the unites states I only know President Obama and the American dream also the statue of liberty. I am always curious about things. For a new country and a new environment, if you want to integrate into it as soon as possible, you can only experience the environment. And my family and I have a wonderful memory of the statue of liberty.
Alex Garcia
Prof.Choi
English 1101(D302)
Personal Narrative Introduction
It felt like an eternity waiting patiently at the airport terminal. Having this unexplainable feeling in my stomach as my eyes had their full attention at the exit of the terminal. Waiting for my grandparents to arrive, who we never seen each other in over a decade. In all honesty, I have forgotten how they even looked like, it felt as it’s been centuries since we’ve last physically encountered. The clock teased me even more as its hand moved slower than a snail and still no sight of them meanwhile time moved on. Keeping in mind, that this would be their first time in New York. I had no clue how they would react to the place I call home, even if it’s filled with crowded places, smelly streets, and the most impatient people you’ll ever meet. But it was a great feeling at the same time knowing I’ll get to meet the people in person again who I’ve only spoken on the phone.
Summer in Alaska
The sound of the heavy rain was drowned out by the colliding waves surrounding me. I’ve been paddling in my kayak for hours now and even as the sky pours down, the ocean salt seems to find a way to keep my lips beyond dry. I keep close to the side of the island to my left and come to a stop with my expedition crew of 15. We have kayaked 9 miles today, already the longest we have done in the 4 days of our journey and everyone is worn out. I could see our destination from where we floated, past the glacier and through the 6 foot waves. With below freezing weather, tireless waves, and an exhausted group the task of leading felt impossible.
you are using more figurative languages which is good, but you should of writing more details and actions.