An OER site by Christine Choi
(1) Post your completed Labor Day Stories below in the comment box before the deadline of 12pm on Monday, September 10.
(2) Read and respond to at least 3 of your classmates’ stories before class on Wednesday, September 12. *Note: If you see one student’s story already has 3 comments, then please comment on another’s.
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In a dark,small room there I was playing on my computer: “Fallout:New Vegas”; role-playing as a mercenary trying to mold the Mojave Wasteland into a new society after a nuclear apocalypse. Besides that being the most riveting event on my labor day weekend, I was alone in my home with the sound of silence surrounding me and I would proclaim that as being one of my good days. To think what else I would’ve wanted, listening to youtube and playing video games than hearing constant tantrums from my sibling who ruins the day for me when hearing “AHHHHH”,”THUMP-THUMP”& crying across the wall of my room. Those days felt like Hell for me, living with a ticking time bomb ready to go off when not getting what he wants, he goes “TICK!,TICK!,TICK!,TICK!….BOOM!!!” and I’m left with ringing in my ears. However, that day I had the entire afternoon all to myself with nothing to bother me. From then on, it was like an average day for me on Sunday but as boring as watching water boil to make coffee and then drinking it every morning. I forgot to mention Friday but it was my day off where I slept late and did whatever that wasn’t assignments I owed; how relaxing it was to take a day or several off. I realized my brain has now been reprogrammed to feel that time goes by slower than during the summer, I hate this feeling as it feels like the day is empty with nothing to do but waste some time on the internet. Monday on the other hand, it was no time mosey off the road to success and I completed what I owed to my other professors. To sum up my Labor Day weekend, it was okay and my time was worthwhile but it won’t be like that for quite a while until winter vacation or so. – Vincent Romualdo
To improve this story, punctuation could be used more correctly. For example, the comma on the first sentence should be placed after the word ” room “.
Focus and purpose! Don’t tell us everything that happened that weekend. As we discussed in class, you need to narrow it down and allow yourself the time to narrate that part. There must be action, characters, dialogue, a main plot line, etc.
Solid piece in my opinion, but like we discussed in class “Focus and Purpose”.
Its a great story but you need to use punctuation better . but that is my only complaint with this story so good job.
wow!!. I thought you were extra in class but this is beyond my expectations. listen, with all those sophisticated words you used it was hard for me to tell what you did for the weekend. “To sum up my labor…”? no!. nevertheless, I did note that you attempted utilizing the skills professor taught us in the previous class.
Up bright and early on a Friday morning, my siblings and I begin to pack our bags for the hectic day ahead of us. Camping at Lake George was an activity that my family and I do every year on labor day weekend. It was something that I always look forward to during the end of the summer. Although, I did dread the swarm of mosquitoes and the moist summer air in the afternoons outside, It’s always been my favorite trip of the year. After throwing our bags into the trunk and getting into the car, I take my laptop out to watch movies for entertainment during the road trip there. Four long hours later, we reach the camp grounds and get ourselves ready to settle in. We set up our tents right beside the glittering lake and the boardwalk. My favorite part about camping here is how beautiful the greenery is and how there’s always so much to do. Throughout the rest of the weekend, I would sit near the clear blue water and skip rocks with my brothers and sisters early in the morning. As we went on more into the day, I got to do many fun activities such as: boating, parasailing, swimming, and biking around the campsite. At night, we would always sit by the warm campfire that’s set beside the lake and have dinner from the cookout before bed to end the day off. Sunday afternoon, we get ready to get back on the car to head home and start our week. Even though, camping here isn’t a huge vacation for me, it’s like a calming getaway trip for a while. My labor day weekend is always the same every year but it’s something that I appreciate because it’s one of the last times away I can get to relax before school and work starts for the year.
– Sanjidah Khan
the story is great! , especially it has good imaginations that make the readers interested
Beautiful detail, but where is the story’s action? What about characters?
I agree with Mohamed and Professor Choi. You have a great story, but had you used some figurative language to better enhance the actions you did, it would be even better. I liked that your story was simple and did not stray. Good job.
What an interesting way of going on Labor Day weekends, sounds like a ton of fun especially outside of New York City. Even though it doesn’t have an action because the story is about taking a break before school starts and that is quite enough to present how you spent it. The detail helps me recreate the scenery in my mind giving a clear sense of tranquility. – Vincent Romualdo
The summer sun was bold and bright. Smoke from the grilled filled the air. Happiness spread throughout the backyard. The temperature was 90 degrees. The sun was glistening down on my skin as I sat and laugh with others around me. Spending time at my older brothers girlfriends house was always a good time. The best part of it all was that there was a pool. Being in the pool felt like you were in a tropical island cooling off to the heat. My older brother girlfriends parents were by the grill serving us delicious burgers, hot dogs, ribs and many more. Those ribs tasted like they won first place at a bbq contest. The food wasn’t complete without that nice cup of ice tea. We all gathered around and talked about what we did in the summer. My parents were telling stories of our mini adventures we had in the Dominican Republic. Others were talking about going to Disney world. Many pictures were being shown around. Everyone was sitting around having a good time with each other. Music was being blasted through the speakers. All types of music were being played. Spanish music had people off their feet dancing away into the night. As time passes by the sun was now the moon. The shining stars were lighting up the night. They were soo bright that they all looked like diamonds in the sky. We all gathered around and started to make s’mores. The gooeyness of the marshmallow melted in my mouth with the chocolate and Graham crackers . It was Delightful. Many memories were shared and made on this day. This Labor Day weekend was good while it lasted. Time to go back to reality.
This is excellent – ripe with vivid details! The only thing missing is action! Every story needs a problem/conflict to overcome.
I liked your story because it has a lot of details and good punctuation.
Your story is great, specifically because it has so many vivid descriptions as to what your day was like. However, it does need some action in order to make this story more fun or engaging.
Your story seems a little rushed like you were just trying to get the story out, so the action got skipped. However, I really like all the imagery you used. It made me feel like I was there enjoying that day with you.
My day was so beautiful like a pure blue sky that calms me down when I am stressed about college and work. This beautiful weekend helped me to reduce my pressure. On the first day, I went to Pennsylvania with my friends for shooting. I was so happy because it was my first time to learn how to shoot by a real gun with real bullets. One of my friends who taught me how to shoot is a police officer, so he was very cautious when he was teaching me. It was really fun ; we had good time there. Then, we went to eat lunch in my friend’s house ; Moreover, we went to the aquatic park. We came back home at 12 am. On the next day, I had fun with my family. We went to the beach. My cousins were coming from Michigan, so I was missing them so much. We played soccer in the beach. Also, we made a barbeque for lunch. My family was so energetic to make us all happy.
What starts out as a descriptive opening turns into an alarm clock story. The question to ask yourself is: “What is my focus/purpose?” I think the part where you learn how to shoot could be an interesting focus. You could “show” us, perhaps, the anxiety you felt about holding the gun and shooting it properly. Or is there a better focus during the trips to the aquatic park, the beach, your friend’s house? Focus and purpose! Revise accordingly.
My day was so beautiful like a pure blue sky that calms me down when I am stressed about college and work. This beautiful weekend helped me to reduce my pressure. On the first day the heat was everywhere which helped release my energy. I decided to take advantage of this hot day to have fun instead of staying home and laying down doing nothing. I went to Pennsylvania with my friends for shooting. I was so happy because it was my first time to learn how to shoot by a real gun with real bullets. One of my friends who taught me how to shoot is a police officer, so he was very cautious when he was teaching me. It was the best experience that I ever learn throughout this summer weekend. We went to friend’s house where we ate lunch and hanged out laughing and telling stories about funny situations that happened with us ; Moreover, we went to the aquatic park. We came back home at 12 am. On the next day, I had fun with my family. We went to the beach. Since my cousins were coming from Michigan, I was missing them so much. We played soccer in the beach. Also, we made a barbeque for lunch. My family was so energetic to make us all happy. __ Revised Labor Day Story
Unfortunately the revised version reads very much like the first. Try focusing just on describing one of these activities, and remember to highlight the action to draw in readers!
I found the story interesting but I felt like the story was all over the place, and I would like have to see more on each of the experience than one sentence for each experience.
I quite agree with Professor Choi about being more descriptive about handling a firearm because I as the reader would like to learn from someone who experienced firing a round, especially from a novice. Besides that, fleshing out your entire weekend could help organize the timeline of events & people mentioned in the story could be further explored by their background history relating with you. Nonetheless, I enjoyed this short story.- Vincent Romualdo
My sister moved away this weekend and I never felt so emotionally conflicted. As I awoke Monday morning, I’ve never been anxious to see what awakes my sister in her life. But when I saw my sister getting the U-haul truck, I felt sadness knocking on my door but I did not want to let it in. In that one and a half hour drive to Connecticut my emotions were in stalemate, frozen and trapped motionless like a freezer. Trying to spend as much time with them as possible I was making conversation, jokes and even playing music. When we arrived to her new home I knew how to feel , those emotions of sadness gone and I was excited and hopeful because my sister taken the next step in her life.
This story is very rushed and a clear example of “telling” vs. “showing.” You “tell” us you’re emotionally conflicted. You “tell” us you’re anxious. Please take the time to incorporate the aspects we specifically discussed in class (e.g., an interesting hook and descriptive imagery). We also discussed the “so what” of the story. Your story skips straight to the end without any rationale — you’re just suddenly okay with your emotions without any indication as to how you arrived there. Revise accordingly.
This story could be improved by adding more detail.
Examples of what and where?
This story could be improved by adding more sensory details
Examples of what and where?
Imagine this, its your day off from work and school and you’re in your soft bed sleeping while cool air massages over your face. Then all of a sudden you hear “tap-tap-tap” and its your mom going up the stairs saying “its laundry day”. Suddenly that perfect day of relaxation disappears as when a storm is about to happen and its strips away the shiny and blue sky. As I stepped out side of my house I noticed that it was a beautiful shiny day, birds chirping, and clear sky. However, the intense heat produced by the sun made me feel like I was inside a volcano ready to erupt. My clothes started to feel damp as my body started to sweat. I felt like I was in a wrestling match against the sun in which the only way I would win was to finish my chores and go back home to the refreshing cool air as I did.
To improve this story, you should add more detail and better punctuation in some sentences.
the story is missing more actions
The “Imagine Lead” is excellent – great way to shock readers’ from a state of comfort into a state of monotonous responsibility! Some of the description that follows (e.g., shiny, blue sky) is clichĂ© -try to add unique details that put us in your particular setting, not just anywhere.
I agree with Mohamed that this story is missing it’s action! This is only the beginning; where is the middle and end?
Thank you to all the students above who posted their Labor Day Stories on time. Comments on these stories can be made up until class on Wednesday, 9/12.
Jalen Costa 9/10/18
labor day stories
in the bright Sunday morning I awoke to the sounds of my family making loud noises in the kitchen talking about what were planing on doing today. I got up from my bed and said my good mornings to them as I went to get clean up and eat my breakfast. “Were heading to the mall” my mom said to all of us in the living room eating and to hurry and get dress . My little brother ask my mom “why were we going to the mall again”? She told him that we were getting new clothes for school so after we were done eating we got dress and left to the mall to get our cloths and ate in the malls food court and then went home to hang our clothes and get ready for school tomorrow.
This story is missing action, something needs to happen for example conflict or problem
Yes, there’s no action. It reads like an alarm clock story.
I agree with Damir, the story is missing action and there are some grammar errors. Maybe try to mimic the sounds that woke you using onomatopoeia.
Nice use of dialogue it gave me a sense of how young your brother is. There isn’t any action but a simple recap.
Nice use of dialogue it gave me a sense of how young your brother is. There isn’t any action but a simple recap.
During my Labor Day I and my family we planned to go to the nearby restaurant and my brother recommend us place that wasn’t to far from us, which I was against it, because I went there before and didn’t like their service. However my parents they agreed to go there and we went there. We ordered the food and they told us it takes 20 minutes to be ready. But we waited over 40 minutes for the food to be ready and moreover their employees were kind a rude too, which made me mad and ended up bringing conflict between me and my brother. Because I knew this restaurants service was horrible.
Your story should of included more vivid descriptions. Use more figurative language to make us feel as you did. Specifically in those moments that made you feel angry instead of just simply saying “made me mad”.
Missing punctuation, and you should of specify more the feelings of your anger.
This is an example of “telling” not “showing.” Also, do not rush through the story’s events. Take the time to develop the setting, characters, action, etc. Revise accordingly.
You need to use more figurative language. And your hook needs to catch the reader’s eyes.
If the conflict between you and your brother was expressed in detail this would be a solid piece to work with.
Amy Jeenarine
Labor Day Craziness
The wonderful dreamy scent of BBQ , fried rice, and baked pasta flowed throughout the house. It was a beautiful, steamy Saturday, the air colored with many celebrating with their own foods and music. All around was the chatter and laughter of people having a good time, San me seeing each other after a long time. It was such a beautiful sight to see everyone enjoying themselves, laughing, eating, a chicken leg flying. Wait…..what??? A chicken leg flying? All of a sudden, two of the guys started throwing hands. They were punching each other, falling into people, and basically making a fool of themselves.
Why? Well, in all the time I spent enjoying all the good stuff, I did not notice their little trsyst over a girl. The two were trying to show off for her, and apparently one of them got her number first. Meanwhile, my poor 5ft. mother was trying to break up the fight between these 6ft. guys. It was a sight to see. She was such a trooper. She marched right up to them caught both of their ears and twisted…hard. Let’s just say that neither one of them would try that in her house ever again. Not only had they both got put down by my mother who was a whole foot below them, but they were also fighting over a girl who already had a boyfriend.
The way you made the transaction from the intro of the story to the conflict was awesome. However, you should of used more figurative language to show us what your reaction was.
There’s some great description in this story. I also like the added detail of the flying chicken leg for shock. However, you can do without the questions. Once you say flying chicken leg, readers are already thinking “What?” so that is just repetitive.
The big fight scene can be made stronger by adding dialogue and just focus on letting the descriptions move the story along (leave out your interjections “It was a sight to see. She was such a trooper”). Let the reader come to these opinions by themselves through your descriptions; don’t force feed it to them.
When I was younger Labor Day was a day spent with the family, however, this year it was the whole opposite. I spent my labor day at work, working the whole afternoon until night time, it was a big difference from the years before. I felt bothered due to that fact that I had to work instead of having fun in addition, meanwhile, my family enjoyed their day-off. Outside was such a beautiful day, the sun completely out kids laughing and running side to side, BBQs going on while I walked to work… it was such a devastating moment.
Work was a busy day for us, people walked in and out with their families talking and giggling all I heard was laughs of fun. I was such in a bad mood that I couldn’t even take it anymore with the customers they asked and asked forcing me to help them with a purchase, after all, they wouldn’t even purchase the item which got me frustrated. 6 hours straight of a shift, standing the whole time going side to side and back and forth on the same areas in the store was tiring… like it always is… no difference. Just this time it was kind of more mind taking. While I was in I wished I was out doing anything else but work on a specific day such as “Labor Day”. I could remember myself checking the time every 10 to 20 minutes desiring for time to pass quickly and head out, but no with such reasoning time passed slowly even though I tried to keep myself busy the whole time.
All I could think about now is the overtime they paid me for working on a holiday. Only that gets me in a good mood about that day…Wow, what a day…
Why not start with the scene where a customer is badgering you with questions? Then slowly reveal how you’re at work vs. doing the fun stuff you had planned. Remember your job is to hook the reader and make the story interesting, not just to complain about what you would have rather been doing. What is your story’s “so what?” – that at the end of the day it’s ok because you got paid overtime?
I like the way you started your story. I was feeling your frustration. However, as the story went on, you had some grammar issues and you used some transition words wrong. Although I could feel what that day was like for you, I kinda missed the action.
The day a friend of my friend who got lost in the central park was a day I would never forget. It was a very hot day where I just finished school and went to the central park to meet up with my 5 friends and 4 other new friends. This was a fun day as we walked around and played a lot. We also took a break in McDonald’s as we were all tired. While we were resting, we or rather I started to talk to the new people to familiarize myself with them I learned that they liked the same thing as I did and became friends pretty easily. Right after we finished resting one of the friends suggested a game called manhunt, it was a game where there was 2 teams one was a hunter and the others where the prey, basically it’s the hunter catching the prey. When we all heard of this game we agreed to play and traveled back to central park to start the game I and 3 others where the hunters. The game was going smoothly because of the phones we were using to communicate with each other once we caught the same amount of people as the hunters from the prey we decided to go home as the day was getting late. However, problems arose when we were getting ready to go home one of our friend who was a prey was lost in the park we all used our phone to call him multiple times but it was to no avail. We got worried when he didn’t pick up his phone but then we realized his phone had no battery left we were frantically trying to find him so we split up and searched for him. Some time passed but we still couldn’t find him, but a surprising thing happened. I wasn’t sure if we and our lost friend was on the same wave length but we all traced our steps back to the big fountain water to see if he was there. All to our surprise yes he was there he had the same idea to go back to that place to wait for us to find him. We all were relieved to find him and decided to go home right after and rest at home. This was a day I will never forget in my life.
The hook needs work. Also, do you want to give away the story so fast? If you want to start in medias res, then narrate the actual scene where the friend is lost and the chaos that’s happening to find him.
There is too much “telling” in this story that the reader quickly loses interest. Incorporate the descriptive techniques and dialogue to move the story along and make the reader feel as if he/she is there with you in Central Park.
Your story didn’t start off with a great hook because I feel like you were using too much sequential words. I did like your story because I was imagining the things you say happened, but it seemed like you went too fast into the action.
My father never like us to copy and paste because as he explains “You’ll never learn to fend for yourself, if someone else is always standing up to protect you!”. He is the kind of person who will offer help but only if you try yourself first. Over Labor day weekend, I learn to decide for myself and not rely on someone else to make the decision for me. My mother is the complete opposite of my father, she would do everything for me and I never had to ask her help in the beginning. So when it happen, she was not there to make the decision or help make the decision. My mom and father were at work at the time, and my sister was out with her friends. I was alone with my two dogs(Milo and Rudy). When Milo has to go out he stares at me, and if I do not see him, he starts to whine and that whine always gets my attention because the sound, is like if he is hurt and the pain is unbearable. So when have to take him out in the backyard, I have to stand out there with him because last time he got into something he was not suppose to and he got high and had to be taken to the hospital. Standing there, waiting for Milo to do his business was like waiting for a seedling to become a full blown out flower and nothing to do but wait and wait. At some point, I must fall into a daydream because my Tia(aunt) Marlene shock me back into reality and ask me ” why are you are here just staring at the ground?”
I said “What, oh. I was just taking out Milo and he is taking forever to use the bathroom.”
“Really then where is he?”. I look around me and around my backyard. He was nowhere in sight and my heart drop and I was sweating profoundly. I ask if the gate was open when she got home. She said yes and without second thought, I ran out of the backyard and started to look around my neighborhood. I search for about 30 mins and by the minute I was getting more and more worry. I could feel my heart beat faster and faster. It was like bobobobobobobo I was losing hope until I heard Milo barking like crazy and I ran as fast I could to the sound. When I found him, relief showered me and I was speechless. He was barking at the groundskeeper for the cemetery next to where I live. Luckily the gate was closed, so the keeper was not sacred but taking Milo home was the most happiest thing in my life. I was just smiling and laughing until we were in the house and then I just broke down crying because that was the most sacred day of life but I was able to get the best outcome to what happened to me and for my family.
– Diego J Mieles Jr
The story is good, but you should of look for errors before submitting it.
Everyone should be proofreading!
I like how the story starts, but what does copying and pasting have to do with fending for yourself? I think the method in starting with your father’s lesson is good, but the meaning is confusing. It is also confusing because the events that follow don’t really match what happens with your dog – you’re not in a situation where you have to stand up for yourself.
The story itself was good. The techniques you use to move the story along are effective. There’s humor and suspense, and the characters are relatable. Just fix the logic of your father’s lesson, otherwise the “so what?” doesn’t match.
After a long first week of college, a four day weekend was well welcomed. I never knew what I was getting myself into until the first few days of classes. It was a new experience that I wasn’t expecting and with plenty of assignments already given, I felt like I’ve done more work this entire week alone than I ever did in my four years of high school. With all my energy drained out of me, I felt like a dead battery that had no other use but waiting to be recharged. On top of that, the burning hot 90 degree weather was not helping either. Laying down on my bed without any movement like a opossum acting dead to fool their predator, I heard nothing but silence. The clock ticking never had felt more louder than ever as time just flew by. My mind was full of different thoughts simultaneously, as when runners participate in the NYC Marathon, each thought would run by then another would follow right behind it. Never was I more relieve for the week to be over and it felt right to do nothing that day but wait for it to be over.
This reads like the end of a story to me, and the long first week of college was the action (which we didn’t get to experience – you only “tell” us about it).
What seemed to be just another boring weekend hitting the textbooks did not end as I thought it would. I didn’t expect my family would do anything for Labor Day weekend but we actually ended up having a barbecue and the thing is my family hasn’t done one in years. Over the past recent years we’ve been living in the top floor of a house where we didn’t really have the space to do anything big. But this year things looked up, we bought a house, got all new furniture, and all sorts of new stuff for the house. It seemed like my dad was ready for Labor Day since he had gotten a whole new barbecue set and grill and speakers for inside the house. Usually when it comes to holidays like Labor Day it would be our family going by our cousins to do something or celebrate, but this time the roles switched. It was nice for a change. Getting to be with all my friends and family to end off the weekend had put me in a really good mood. Especially looking around seeing everyone having a good time talking, vibing to the music, hearing the vibrations from the bass of the speaker shaking the ground, and seeing the light shining through the windows of the house making everything so bright. We ended the night watching a movie with everyone and it was just so nice seeing everyone together in one place. It was truly a good day. Each year Labor Day was usually boring but this year I really enjoyed it especially since it was a great way to end off the summer spending time with my family and friends. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for next year’s Labor Day.
Where’s the action? Character development? So what? Please go through the checklist we discussed in class.
Joseph Martinez
Being responsible
August was coming to an end which meant so was the 90 degree summer sun and all of the fun I could be having. Thinking back, all I’ve done with my summer was work in a zoo parking lot … lucky for me I had this one weekend left to make sure Summer of 2018 was not wasted. To make sure I could actually enjoy my Labor day weekend worry free, I committed to a non procrastination mode and recollected all of the “chores” I had to do before monday was over. This took me a day. I had to buy my binder for my classes so I went down to Staples, which should’ve been easy. Turns out my local staples closed down years ago but I already spent hours pacing back and forth in case I “missed it” that it was too late to stop now, and so I travelled an hour away for this one specific binder/book. I should have picked a better day before the line literally wrapped around the whole store. Day 2 done. Turns out all I had to do now was homework and I would have a free Monday to tackle the beach; should be a breeze only had two assignments anyway. I started doing my english assignment which was to just read over an article, the words started to blend together every now and then and my eyes could hardly stay open but I was fine. I blinked once and 6 hours passed. It was now midnight (technically monday already) and I could already feel the sand at my feet and the sun it my face, so I go to text my friends to see if they were all ready for the morning. While opening my phone I see an email notification, it read “all staff are required to come in tomorrow because it is a holiday, as you all know it will be busy since school is starting back up and everyone wants to make sure they get to do something before their summer is over, hope to see you here at 8am sharp, sincerely the zoo”. I ended up burning in that zoo parking lot on Labor day.
There is a lot of potential here, but now it’s about focus. I see three different and rich stories that you could have focused on here (the Staples trip, falling asleep for 6 hours at the beach, or your day working at the zoo). The Labor Day Weekend story does not have to relate every detail of what you did that weekend (e.g., the alarm clock story). Choose one of those and focus on developing the action, the characters, and the “so what?”
I will never forget the first time I celebrated Labor Day, which was this year. The past years I always been in Italy, for vacations.
The day started with intense blue sky, red fire sun, and a ride with my all family to Coney Island beach. When arrived, inebriated by the smell of the sea, the sound of the waves and the flight of seagulls, I found myself in my beautiful Sicily, where summer means infinitely sea.
I have a 5-year-old brother which means “you can not stand idly by”, but i must say that I did not mind playing on the seashore with him.
For lunch we went to the amusement park where it was a mixture of music, dance, talk and people amused by the rides and even me with my family we enjoyed all that Coney Island can offer. The day ended with a view of a beautiful sunset and a delicious ice cream.
What did I get from this day? Without a doubt I made memories with the people I love most, my family and especially with my little brother.
I like that the words use to describe the experience actually got me to picture your story.
The use of details in your 3rd sentence were used nicely and throughout I just get the feeling of a relaxing/good time. However I didn’t notice any action, it felt like a recap.
I liked how you first introduced the day, then described the beach . It added vivid layers of detail. But there was no action in the story.
Jose Castillo’s Labor Day Weekend Story
Imagine having the house to yourself during labor weekend, it’s your first week of college, excitement running through your veins. You decide to throw a little party with your friends. As the bass from the speaker shakes the floor below, and you and your friends are jumping up and down. You receive a phone call that we all fear, a phone from your mom.
During my first week of college my mom and little brother left to Maryland to celebrate my aunt’s birthday. I stood back because I didn’t want to start college off on the wrong foot. As soon as they left the house, freedom was in the air ! It felt like a dream come true, first week of college and I have the house to myself. As my thoughts ran wild of the things I could’ve done, I just let myself focus on college 100% but come Labor Day weekend was when the things starting stirring up.
I had a successful first week of college and I wanted to be surrounded by some positive energy. I invited some middle school friends over and we turned into party animals. We were jumping and shouting as if we were in a rave, we could’ve sworn the police was going to knock on the door. Instead the most expected unexpected thing happens, my mom calls ! I turned off the speakers and told my friends to be quiet. My mom asks me questions in a rapid fire pace and I’m just saying “yea, yea mom” to everything. Then she finally hung up, I look at my friends and start laughing as I turn up the speakers to maximum volume.
My Labor Day weekend this year was definitely a night to remember and a night that I will cherish. But also a eye opener of what can happen if you are not responsible with your freedom.
I really like the way you introduce your story leaving us with that suspense. Next time, use a bit more figurative language to show what your mind was thinking when your mom called.
I was definitely hook by the first paragraph and wanted to stay and read on to see what happened. There is a conflict and you did learn something.
Great story, was engaged throughout. The use of details and action made your story stand out.
I’ll never forget what happened on labor day. I was with my parents woke up at 7 am. We went to the beach for a picnic on Staten Island south beach. We went there by car. And then my mother bought a lot of food and drinks .soon, we arrive at the beach .we put a picnic blanket on the sand under a tree and took the food and drinks out of the basket. We changed our suit .we jumped into the sea .i was very happy when we saw beautiful coral, fish. There the sky was clean and bright, the wind was mild and pleasant, the sandy beach was soft and comfortable, and the sea was so magnificent. We felt refreshed at that moment. It seemed as if we traveled in the heaven. We all expected for our next labor day coming
-xincheng
I enjoyed the way you described the scenery around you that day. Just remember to proofread your story and fix any common errors you see before handing it in.
There are spelling errors within your story especially when starting a new sentence; look at the first word and capitalize the first letter; the “I” must be capitalized as well just make sure you check your work. Besides that, the story was sped up too quickly and a bit empty like an almost empty toothbrush paste where you need squeeze hard to get more detail ;there was little to no detail in the beginning when packing up to head to the beach or an intermission between both events. Maybe there should have been something in between such as inserting events that happened when traveling by car. -Vincent Romualdo
There’s no conflict in your story. I’m sure you had a wonderful day at the beach but the story has no takeaway other than the details you mentioned all the way at the end of the story.
The day my best friend got married it was a exiting day. Me and my wife woke up bright and early, i finally got to wear those new classic chestnut dress shoes. As my wife got to wear her 10″ silver heels, which she knows hurt her feet but was exited anyways. Rushing we bearly were able to catch our train that was going to take us to city hall. Rushing and rushing the crisp morning air hit our faces, we had to get out to catch a cab. Just as the cab gets closer, theres a traffic jam. All though we rush once we got there we come to find out the grooms were running late as well. But the rushing was all worth it as we watch the nervousness of the grooms as they got ready to exchange their vows. You could see the shimmer of love in their eyes.
The story needed more action. Describe what was happening throughout the wedding. Always proofread what you wrote before submitting it for any errors. Next time, use more figurative language to show the wedding and how the groom was feeling.
Labor Day is a national holiday. its so that people from different countries residing in the United States may celebrate there hard work through out the year. This was not the case for me. instead, I stayed home all day playing video games, completing assignments, and sleeping.
plain and simple. nice!!
Almost did my first century. A century is where you bike for 100 miles in a day. This is how I spent my day on Labor Day; figured that I would want to do something I love to do. I started at 9 in the morning to get prepared for the day. Brought with me extra inner tubes in case my tires popped, a portable pump, some snacks to fill me up and lots of water. It was raining so I had with me my raincoat. Going into Manhattan first because its easier to head up to the Bronx easier then heading upstate. I made the 85 mile mark but could finish the last 15 miles because my tire popped so I had to change it, once I finished and got back on my bike a little while I started to cramp up so I ended up calling my friend to pick me up and head back to city; in the car I thought to myself I should’ve stretched before going again.
I like how you kept your story focused on the almost-century. But I really couldn’t put myself in your shoes. Maybe adding some details on how you felt riding or a description of what you saw might be helpful. You can even describe the bike.
I’ve always hated the sound of a leaky faucet. It’s as if every drop of water that teeters out from the mouth of the sink does so with the sole purpose of irritating me. There’s almost a rhythm to it, but every stupid pitter and patter is just barely off key. This was the only sound I could hear as I sat at the kitchen table, being reprimanded by my father. I don’t remember what he said but I remember his tone, definite outrage. Maybe that’s why I didn’t listen to it, because it didn’t make sense. Because this wasn’t the first time I had upset him, not by a long shot. No this was more like the faucet. Another pitter in a long series of patters. The night before I had snuck out through my bedroom window and my father found out. “The fucks wrong with you, what if you broke the gutter and the landlord found out? You know me and your mom can tolerate your shit, sure, but other people won’t.” This was the sentence that broke the spell. I raised my gaze off the faucet for the first time. I was taller than my father, but he was standing and I was seated. Our entire family had prominent noses and my father wasn’t an exception. His scowl looked like the face of a falcon, taunt and disapproving. “I know. It was stupid, I wasn’t thinking, I won’t do it again.”, I said In a well rehearsed drawl. I almost caved. I almost spoke my mind. I almost said that maybe I wouldn’t need to be doing something so extreme if I just had a key to the house. That maybe I couldn’t deal with the responsibilities of an adult if I wasn’t given the treatment or freedom of one. But sometimes it’s just probably easier to let the damn faucet leak.
– Wajeah Raja