“We’re in the same class aren’t we?” he had said to me and my friend, Yan during our 8th period lunch. I didn’t remember his name, but I knew him from our class since we did have two periods after this together. “My name’s Marvelous” he had told us immediately afterwards. My mind had been as blank as a piece of paper trying to remember his name, but then it clicked, I had then laughed at how I could forget someone with such a unique name. When I mentioned it he had started laughing with me too. Marvelous ended up joining Yan and I at lunch, and we talked about various things, but the topics I can remember were about love, nuclear energy and what we want to be in the future. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to, and I’m still not completely sure. I’m gravitating between becoming a Software Developer, Nuclear Engineer or doing something related to quantum mechanics. Marvelous wants to be a doctor, he even joined the Pharmd (Pharmacy) major to gain some prerequisites and insight into the field. Yan however, similar to me, had no grand aspirations and didn’t even plan to go to college, he was a great software developer so he thought about applying straight for a job at the end of high school. These conversations really did help me think about what I want to do in the future. I slept in most of my classes, rarely did homework and procrastinated, but I did at least want to go to college. And that’s when I realized I needed to start taking things seriously if I wanted to do anything with my life.
Chemistry was our 9th period class that we all had together right after lunch, and usually, if Yan and I weren’t annoying the teacher with random questions, I would be asleep having a delightful nap until the class ended. I was moved to a seat at the front of the class so my teacher could wake me up whenever I went to sleep, he’d either throw a dry erase marker at me or clap his hands in front of my face. Honestly it was kind of funny, and it did help especially after having that conversation about what we wanted to do in the future. I started to stay awake in class after realizing I had no real aspirations, and no direction with what I wanted to do. I started to pay attention in all my classes, but specifically chemistry as it was the one I struggled with the most since I had slept through the first half of the year, and didn’t do any homework. Noticing this change my teacher would give me some help on assignments, and would even say “Nice to see you awake today Jelani” sometimes. This was just the beginning of the change.
I’m glad you found your event and it’s nice to see how just 1 person can change our perspective in life and motivate us to do better. I can’t wait to read the rest and how it chanced you
It’s good to see you have found your own story. It is hard sometimes, finding a specific event in your life that has changed you when you actually think about it. I do believe that one individual can have a huge impact on you, your story definitely has potential to be beautifully written with specific scenes and details. I think your introduction is a great start since you introduce your “mentor” and give background information on him and your relationship.
JELANI â Is this a story about how a friend group saved you?
NEED PAR BREAKS
new topic = new par
new speaker = new paragraph
âWeâre in the same class arenât we?â he had said to me and my friend, Yan during our 8th period lunch. I didnât remember his name, but I knew him from our class since we did have two periods after this together.
âMy nameâs Marvelousâ he had told us immediately afterwards. My mind had been as blank as a piece of paper trying to remember his name, but then it clicked
âHow I could forget someone with such a unique name?â I said outloud. When I mentioned it he had started laughing with me too.
Marvelous ended up joining Yan and I at lunch, and this became my friend group at [CSD needed!] Brooklyn Tech High School my freshman year. We talked about various things, but the topics I can remember were about love, nuclear energy and what we want to be in the future. I wasnât sure what I wanted to, and Iâm still not completely sure. Iâm gravitating between becoming a Software Developer, Nuclear Engineer or doing something related to quantum mechanics. Marvelous wants to be a doctor, he even joined the Pharmd (Pharmacy) major to gain some prerequisites and insight into the field. Yan however, similar to me, had no grand aspirations and didnât even plan to go to college, he was a great software developer so he thought about applying straight for a job at the end of high school.
These conversations really did help me think about what I want to do in the future.
[TRANSITION NEEDED However, I wasnât doing well in school.] I slept in most of my classes, rarely did homework and procrastinated, but I did at least want to go to college. And thatâs when I realized I needed to start taking things seriously if I wanted to do anything with my life.
[CAN you dramatize this more to make a scene â could be funny for the reader â SHOW your disinterest and sleeping behavior]. Chemistry was our 9th period class that we all had together right after lunch, and usually, if Yan and I werenât annoying the teacher[NAME] with random questions. [SHOW ME those Questions] , I would be asleep having a delightful nap until the class ended. I was moved to a seat at the front of the class so my teacher could wake me up whenever I went to sleep, heâd either throw a dry erase marker at me or clap his hands in front of my face.
Honestly it was kind of funny, and it did help especially after having that conversation about what we wanted to do in the future. [CAN you explain further what was making you change and start taking school seriously?]. I started to stay awake in class after realizing I had no real aspirations, and no direction with what I wanted to do.I started to pay attention in all my classes, but specifically chemistry as it was the one I struggled with the most since I had slept through the first half of the year, and didnât do any homework. Noticing this change my teacher would give me some help on assignments, and would even say âNice to see you awake today Jelaniâ sometimes.
This was just the beginning of the change.
So if this was just the beginning SHOW me one or two more events that SHOW change in you. Is there a scene showing the interaction between your group of three friends that can SHOW me change and how you helped each other?
REPEAT MY FIRST QUESTION FROM THE TOP: Is this a story of how your friend group saved you? Then you need to show MORE of the interaction btw the three of you and HOW that saved you and changed you from a disinterested student to serious student.