Mentor Quote – Said Babaev

2 thoughts on “Mentor Quote – Said Babaev”

1. WHAT writing prompt are you following here? OK mentor quote but then I think you could look at Resilience through hardship. THis is option 4 in the Assignment Unit One.

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2. I have thought a lot about your writing both this HW 4 and HW 3. Please read through.

   I am not sure you have a story here. 

   You are doing a lot of telling and very little SHOWING. You need to turn this material into a story with a story line. A NARRATIVE.

   Suggestion to RLW – study student example essays of this assignment in Ed Narrative Resources sidebar.

   FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS – Where is — In One Sentence tell me What is the single transformative event that you are writing about?  My story is about the hardship of living in a family that is never satisfied with my academic work and interests. IS THIS IT? 

   THEN — HOW did you resolve this problem with your family? ARE THERE MORE CONVERSATIONS or SCENES of tension with mother? WHAT are the steps of progress you have made? SHOW me you finding your own happiness within at job that satisfies you? WHAT have you learned about yourself and WHO should you be satisfying?

   WHAT is the backstory of WHY your parents are constantly never satisfied? Is there something about Russian backstory here? A few important details about why your parents are driving you so hard? Did they immigrate to US and find they could not continue same kind of highly professional work? Does your father now work in a job that he feels is beneath him? Your mother? Is this why they have high expectations so that you can move up in American – SHOW ME THIS in the dialogue between you and mom? OR SHOW me some other way – at least give some of this. Backstory. Otherwise I don’t’ understand why they are never satisfied.

   THEN WHAT are the events that will move your storyforward. Start with opening of painfuol workds with mom – then WHAT events come next?

   “Все в этой семье чего-то добились в жизни, кроме тебя. Ты хоть когда-нибудь чего-то будешь стоить, осёл?” words that were thrown at me by my mother in Russian which translate to: Everyone in this family has gotten somewhere in life but you and add will you ever be worth anything donkey? The words of pain, [WHERE did this conversation happen, WHO was there, WHY was this conversation happening – were you spending too much time gaming and computering – WHAT were you doing that sparked these painful words from your mother? Were there more words? SHOW me this dialogue of “words of pain back and forth]

   [NEW PAR – AND work on full sentences: I grew up] cut-Growing-up within a family of esteemed medical professionals. [Mygrandfather –no capital– was]  cut-my-Grandfather being the first person to perform bone marrow transplant surgery in the Central Asian region, my Grandmother being [was] a surgeon in one of the most elite hospitals in the USSR, and my Father being a former KGB officer, the weight of expectations to uphold the Babaev name was a constant presence in my life. Excelling academically was paramount, as I endeavored to earn the approval of my discerning parents. In my pursuit of their recognition, I engaged in many activities, balancing academics with participation in various sports teams, all in the hope of standing out in their eyes. Throughout my formative years, I embodied the archetype of the honor student: Sociable, mature, athletic, intelligent, and deeply involved in extracurricular pursuits. [suggestion to ADD a sentence — But nothing was good enough to satisfy my family]

   SHOW me backstory of Russian life/values/parenting style that your parents come from.

   Throughout my high school years [WHEN? WHERE? Is there some conflict of two different cultures – TWO DIFFERENT WORLDS?] I kept trying to find my passions and also to satisfy my family.

    

   [again here too much telling – sounds like a resume – not a narrative essay] Working on expanding my portfolio and broadening my resume, I started developing video games and designing websites. After a year of developing my skills in 3d modeling and CAD work, I landed an internship at TENCO, a high-tech engineering company for transportation systems equipment that specializes in working on transportation systems worldwide. Alongside TENCO I was able to work on several projects and companies like BART, WMATA, and Silicon Transit. [TOO much telling – reach back into your memory and SHOW me you are developing your own interests and landing good work experiences. After listing these WHICH of these could you focus on and SHOW me that in this job/internship you are learning and developing your programming skills?]

    

   So for example,

    

   In my junior year of high school [WHEN?] After a year of developing my skills in 3d modeling and CAD work, I landed an internship at TENCO, a high-tech engineering company for transportation systems equipment that specializes in working on transportation systems worldwide.  Create a scene to SHOW me you at this TENCO job and projects and praise from bosses CSD to paint a picture of your achievement. This sounds like an amazing internship opportunity but you don’t SHOW ME anything!!! WHAT was the work environment? Did you work in SanFrancisco? WHAT were the projects and colleagues like? SHOW excitement at this great job. SHOW a project you worked on and how you were praised. Were you satisfied and happy with this programming path? 

    

    

    

   [Again too much telling here—cut this sentence here] My journey has not been without its challenges, particularly in gaining my family’s acceptance of my chosen path.

   [START here – In my senior year – WHEN???] After years of striving to validate the worthiness of the family name, I felt a sense of accomplishment. My engineering route was blooming, and my games started blowing up. [CSD WHAT does this mean? WHAT was happening with your game designs – were you selling your games?]

    

   I connected with several new people who held high positions in the transit engineering field, which helped guide me to the path of transit engineering. [SHOW ME a scene of working with “new colleagues”—did you participate in a business presentation? WHAT professional connections are you making now?] The new colleagues I have made, and the experience I have gained have allowed me to contribute to transit systems around the United States. I thought that surely, after working for Washington Metro Transit or even Bay Area Rapid Transit, my parents would see some worthiness in me and praise me.

   [new par] However, my parents viewed my achievements as hobbies, causing profound disappointment. Their rejection of my passion, a field I was deeply devoted to, simply because it did not align with conventional notions of honor, was a painful blow.

   None of my interests satisfied my family. 

    

   [OK Good here — SHOW ME MORE of this painful conversation—WHEN did this second conversation with father happen – First was the opening convo with mother – Living room, at senior graduation from high school, Did you father ask to have a private talk with you?] “When will you grow up and work on your studies?” was what my Father told me because what mattered to them most was a piece of paper with a stamp that read Bachelor Degree, a simple piece of paper was more important in their eyes than my progression as a person, the development of my character, and the challenges I overtook to gain an ounce of respect. 

   YOU need an outline with events that will move your story forward

   I opening scene with convo of painful words from mom

   II backstory of Russian cultural family values

   III You strike out and find computering interest and try to excel in something you are passionate about

   —-Your internship with TENCO – is there a scene exciting computering scene?

   —-Your “colleagues”. YOUR Friendships and learning professionalistm – IS there a scene here?

   IV at graduation senior year, another painful conversation this time from Dad

   V WHAT have you learned about being resilient.

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