Improving Essay 1

Writing the first draft was the most difficult. It was hard to pick an argument and then to find claims to support the argument. After I was done with my first draft I knew that I needed help revising it and feedback on it. The peer review that we were assigned to do were every helpful. The peer review worksheet was very helpful. It helped me look at each part of the essay and analyze if it was correct or could be better. All the questions in the worksheet went step by step asking specific questions that I would have probably not asked myself. As I was editing my two classmate’s essays and giving them back feedback I will also realize that I had done the same mistakes.

In class we got into groups and discus what we had found in each other’s essay and how it could be better. My peers mentioned what I could do to make my essay better and my argument stronger. In my essay I only achieved one transitional sentence from one paragraph to the next. I have to go back and add transitional sentences to the rest of my paragraphs for it could flow smoothly. I also have to work on achieving topic sentences for my body paragraph. I finally understand what a topic sentence is and what it consist of. At first I just thought it was the main idea. Therefore, I always just stated the claim which was incorrect because it should be a very detailed main idea plus an explanation of how it supports the thesis. I also had sentences that were general and made my peers ask “so what?” I thought I had explained it clearly but I was wrong. I have to go back and either take that sentence out or explain it more and connect it to my argument better.

My essay doesn’t have noticeable opposing viewpoints. I have to counter claim my argument in order to make it stronger. It is hard to include counter claims because they have to be mentioned but cannot be stronger then my argument.

As my example I used famous people to explain and show how sometimes having excessive amount of money can be negative. I was told that for my example I have to be more specific and more detailed on how money can be negative. To make it more specific I am going to use a certain celebrity and explain how it affected them.

I also had a bit of trouble in my conclusion. I was a little difficult to sum up the whole essay in one small paragraph without being repetitive. I have to work on how to restate my thesis and claims in different words.

After I reread my own essay I realized that I could be more specific and analyze more on how it affects an individual’s happiness. I also noticed some grammar mistakes and typos that I have done. Rereading my essay after a week gap really made me see it differently and notice a lot of things that could be changed. Just like the handout on editing and proofreading mention to get some distance between the text because if you read it right after you wrote it the text will be too familiar. Making it hard to identify mistakes.