Monthly Archives: April 2018

Friends: The Company You Keep

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Over the spring break I began to break down certain personal situations in my life, so that I could analyze and understand who I am. During this analysis I realized that as a young woman, I am currently in a really good place in my life. Most people think that a person’s success can be attributed solely to their personal drive and work ethic. However, what people often overlook is the fact that a person is also heavily influenced by the company they keep, and the environment they have grown in.

Throughout my 24 years on earth, I have had many friends and people who I looked up to with hopes they would be great role models. As I matured and became aware of my individual preferences for my life I saw that certain people weren’t positive influences on my life.  I also noticed that my involvement with certain friends, boyfriends and acquaintances were actually causing me to stray from my path. So, in college I decided to let go of negative relationships, and I also made a big step and deleted all of my social media accounts. My reason for taking these steps in my life were to disconnect from people, so that I could focus on myself and the aspects of life that mattered to me such as my family, my academic career and people who really love me.

After taking the initiative to remove outside influences from my daily life, I began to notice that so many opportunities began to come my way. As I lost my instagram followers, and lost contact with friends, I gained more academic opportunities. Not only did I begin to get into really amazing academic programs, I also began to build bonds with people who had positive impacts on my life. I found mentors in my school who provided me with paying jobs, wrote letters of recommendations for me, and who supported me through all of my ventures no matter how small. Through these mentors I met other people at universities like The Graduate Center who have also all supported me. Each of the mentors that I encountered provided opportunities for me to enhance my resume, as well as affording me some life changing experiences.

Since becoming affiliated with the people that became my mentors, I realized how much of a positive impact they have had on my life. Each of these people opened up their lives to me, and showed me how positive influences can increase the success rate of people they invest time into. While reminiscing on the past events in my life, I realized how true that saying  “Be Careful of The Company You Keep” really is. Once I decided to let go unhealthy relationships, focus on myself and only associate with people who were positive/ supportive my life began to drastically change.

In life you must be careful of the company you keep, who you love and who you call a friend. From my own personal experience sometimes the people closest to you are capable of bringing you down the most. What I mean by this is that, not everyone is going to want to see you win, some people are what you call haters. If they aren’t where they need to be in their lives , then they will try to hinder your success by any means necessary.

My purpose for writing this blog is to let you readers know that as you grow, you will lose many relationships and that’s okay. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a season, to teach you a lesson and then to leave you. I want you to understand that in life you will meet all kinds of people who will impact your life in various ways. However, you must be able to see people for who they are and make the conscious decisions on whether or not you want them in your life. It only takes one negative person or one negative influence to make you stray from your path. Make sure that you know what kind of company you keep because they are not only a reflection of you, but they can also seriously alter your life and prevent you from achieving your goals.

Now that I have talked about the effect that negative people, and negative influences can have on your life tell me about your experience. Have you encountered negative people in your life? How did your involvement with these people impact your life? What did you learn from your involvement with this people?

Help Me Howard…or Anybody Actually…

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help wanted sign

Photo Retrieved from SalaGraphics

I’ve realized that it’s really hard for me to ask for help.

I sat back and I thought about why asking for help is this huge challenge for me.
I figured out the reasons why are:
-I fear being vulnerable to someone else or being rejected.
-I fear placing my responsibilities onto someone else and they drop the ball.
-I don’t want anyone to feel burdened by me.
-I fear appearing weak or needy.
-I fear not being in control of all aspects of my life.
-I’m pretty prideful and I believe I have to be resilient, self-reliant, and independent, and I fear appearing any less than that.
-I  also fear…..

stop sign

Photo Retrieved from NASGA

Fear, Fear, Fear, that’s all it is!

All I’m doing is letting my fear stifle me from looking outside myself and utilizing my support network! This is probably the most backwards logic because although I don’t like to ask for help, I love to help others when asked. In fact, it makes me extremely happy to be asked, and I’m quick to go above and beyond. I will drop all of my own responsibilities, despite the consequences, to help someone else. I’m literally getting a Human Services degree to professionally help people lol.
How is it that am I so quick to offer help, yet I still don’t appreciate the value in asking for support enough to ask for it when I need it myself?

woman with confused face

Photo Retrieved from LadyLebz

confused woman shaking head to express "not getting it"

GIF Retrieved from GIPHY

Makes no sense at all but it’s real.

woman with hands up shrug

Photo Retrieved from iEmoji

We all respond to times of trouble and struggle in different ways. Are you stubborn like me and don’t ask for help when you need it?? Do you too struggle in silence too? Why??

When did asking for help become a negative thing? When did asking for help take away your independance?

It could be because we’ve watched our parents, or other role models “get it done” on their own. Or maybe we’ve been conditioned to believe asking for help is a sign of weakness or incompetence. Or maybe we simply just don’t know how to ask for help. In a society that largely promotes self help, the idea that some of us need to learn ways to seek and ask for assistance from others isn’t really promoted. Maybe you’ve been vulnerable and asked for help before and the experience left you feeling humiliated, or some other response that caused you to feel like you would never put yourself in that position again. There are countless solid reasons why asking for help may be a challenge for you. If you sit and reflect on it I’m sure you will come up with a list like mine that points to a common theme like fear, lack of confidence, lack of trust, or whatever your vice is that’s getting in your way.

I believe that the hesitation to ask for help is because we have the wrong perspective about it. Me for example, I love to help because of how it makes me feel. It gives me positive feelings; I feel needed, satisfied, valued, significant, and appreciated. I feel like I am doing good and making a mark in someone’s life. Do I see the person that’s asking me for help as weak? No, of course not. I see them simply as a person asking for support in a situation. Yet I will think all the negatives of myself if I need to ask for help? Double standard much??

quote meme picture

Photo Retrieved from AminoApps

If you are like me, then WE are looking at this all wrong. We get in our own way when we make asking for help mean something about us that isn’t true. We get caught up in thinking it means we’re weak, inadequate, helpless, inferior, or some other negative label. The reality is that asking for help does not indicate anything about you; it plain and simply means you need help in a specific situation, or at a specific time. That is all.

Asking for help is actually a sign of strength and courage because THAT is what you display when you seek out help when you need it, not weakness. Don’t ignore the fact that help is a two way street with benefits for you and the other person. Instead of incorrectly thinking that asking for help means you’re a burden, know that you are actually giving others an opportunity to feel good about themselves like you do when you help others. It’s a win-win baby!

The helper gains confidence knowing they are a good person and they enjoy the good feelings that come from that. Studies call it the “helper’s high”– the portion of the brain responsible for feelings of reward, is triggered when someone helps someone else. The brain also releases “feel-good” endorphins and chemicals and makes you want to do more. So look at you, asking for help, and making the world a happier place!

man pointing at someone in acknowledgement

GIF Retrieved from Tenor

Whoever helped you ends up feeling great, you get the help you need, and you get the affirming reassurance that there are people out there that you can call on when you need them, and they will be there for you and have your back.

two stick figures holding the other's "back" in their hand

Photo Retrieved from Amazon

It’s OK not to know everything. It’s OK not to be able to do everything on your own. It’s OK to need someone else. There is no shame in letting someone extend a helping hand to you. We all have something to share whether it be knowledge, time, talents, connections, insight, experience, skills, resources, or simple love and care; and the reality is most people love to share them. We can do so much more together, in partnership, than we can do alone. Think of the quote “Two hands are better than one.” It’s true. Too often we choose to ‘tough it out’ rather than reaching out to ask for help when we need it most.

quote picture

Photo Retrieved from FizzyPeaches

I don’t expect you to read this post and just jump and start asking for help every time you need it, but I’m saying challenge yourself to do it more. I challenged myself recently, and I’m so happy that I did. I had been feeling really emotionally drained and almost like a machine constantly running from my internship, to school, to work, meetings, and all the other things I have on my plate. Then after all that, I get to unwind with a nice plate of homework, how exciting, lol.

woman smiles then quickly switches to straight face

GIF Retrieved from GIPHY

So anyway, I was feeling drained and it’s not that I needed anyone’s help to physically do something, but I did need help changing my mood and I needed to feel supported. I sent a text to a few of my friends that simply said “ Hola! Just asking you to keep me in your prayers and send love and light my way. I’ve been struggling a little lately and just want to ask you to make sure you keep me in your thoughts!” I felt extremely vulnerable and it was uncomfortable. Not the strong, invincible Neffi! Yes, the strong, invincible Neffi, and you know what? The love I felt from them in their responses let me know why I should never feel fear of reaching out to people who love and are there for me when I need to. Why the heck am I letting this fear disable me? Not any more.

woman turning finger left to right to express "no"

GIF Retrieved from GIPHY

I want to share these two articles with you, 5 Mistaken Beliefs About Asking for Help, and 2 Words That Make Asking for Help a Lot Easier and I encourage you to read them. See that you are not alone in this struggle and you can change your perspective for your own benefit. Asking for help can be scary and hard but by having the courage to ask for help, you’re not dragging yourself or anyone else down, you’re pulling you, and them up. No more struggling in silence, no more feeling you are not worthy of someone else’s favor, because you are. Replace those negative thoughts with thoughts of empowerment. Everyone that you know needs help at some point so don’t criticize yourself. Ask for it once and you’ll be better at asking the second time, trust me. 🙂

“Ask for help not because you are weak, but because you want to remain strong”
– Les Brown

Love you,

Neffi

 

Unity in Diversity

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By Robine Jean-Pierre

During spring break, I went on a three day “unity retreat” in Pennsylvania through an organization called Seekers Christian Fellowships. I am currently the president of the Seekers club here at City Tech, so I definitely made it a priority to be there and represent. It was an amazing experience and I wish I could have spent the whole week there!

One of the purposes of this event was to assemble high school and college students from various Seekers-affiliated schools so they could make new friends and explore their faith together. We would be unified through relationships that transcended differences in age, gender, background, and career path.

The strong cultural diversity apparent on the retreat was quite remarkable. We had students and staff with ethnic backgrounds representing India, Sri Lanka, Korea, Jamaica, Haiti, Colombia, Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic, Guatemala, Uganda, and more.

At any given moment, one of us was cracking a racially/culturally fueled joke that was borderline inappropriate (if not for the fact that people mostly joked about their own respective cultures, not really anyone else’s). From memory, here are a few examples of the intriguing, humorous statements I heard:
“It would be disappointing if we met Hispanic people who weren’t loud.”
“Indians are even louder! Have you ever been to an Indian party?”
“Look. I’m Hispanic and I’m crazy, so…”
“I’m Korean. Waking up early is easy for me.”
“He’s not even real Indian–he’s Sri Lankan.”

A Seekers friend of ours had even remarked once that our Korean and Ugandan staff members reminded him of Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker, respectively; when I told one of them this joke during the retreat, he was deeply amused.

Sometimes the boundaries were almost crossed when people of different ethnic backgrounds tried to mimic each other’s accents, but if the person did a good job, it was praised; if not, you could feel the awkwardness which quickly dissipated in laughter.

More serious, personal comments also provoked cultural awareness in some way. For example, our Korean staff member told us about how his dad was so strict that if he came home with a 98 on an assignment, he would be very disappointed and ask, “Where are the other two points?” He also mentioned the fact that he was the first Asian person his acquaintance from the Midwest had ever met in the flesh (as opposed to on TV). Our Colombian director explained that a lot of people thought she was white when she wasn’t, yet she had siblings whose complexions were every color of the rainbow. One college student opened up about how Indian parents tended to be loving but also fiercely overprotective.

Although not every ethnicity was represented on the retreat, I was grateful to be exposed to so many different cultures and learn more through both lighthearted and serious conversation. Being able to understand and relate to other cultures can be so helpful in promoting peace and unity, starting with the interactions of just two people. As Seekers members, this is especially crucial to our common Christian belief that God loves everyone (not just specific people groups) and wants us to do the same.

Life After Undergrad: Get your credit girl!

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In the real world things are slightly different from the college student world. For instance your credit score matters– a lot! I, like many other early 20 somethings, made a mess of my credit when I started getting offers left and right. The emails seemed so enticing, no interest or instant approval! I got carried away and before I knew it I had quite a bit of debt with a little bit of money and an interest free deadline rapidly approaching. So I ended up in a pickle and ended up paying off these cards and silly purchases for years to come. It’s taken three years to get my credit back off the floor but I’m getting it their slowly. So I figured I’d share three quick tips with my readers to save their credit– and their sanity.

  1. Be realistic with yourself and with your funds. If you can’t afford whatever you’re tempted to swipe, in full, within the next 30 days– wait. If you’re mulling over a big purchase that’s more of a want than a need, reassess and maybe save up at least save and swipe the rest.
  2. Baby steps are key. Open a line of credit and use it for recurring charges you’d pay every month anyway and arrange for auto pay so you don’t forget your bill. Things like your monthly metro, amazon prime membership or even the gym, are great smaller charges to use your credit for.
  3. Stay on top of your accounts. Don’t open too many accounts for many reasons; one being it’s easy to forget about one and get hit with a late fee and another is it’s harder to monitor them for fraudulent charges.

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Life After Undergrad: The hunt is on

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Happy April everyone! With the turn of a new month my job hunt goes into overdrive. As tax season begins to wind down I’m starting to think more seriously about finding a full-time job in my actual industry– tech writing. As much as I’ve loved, and grown, at my current job I am ready to spread my wings. I want to find a job that truly challenges me and uses all of my abilities because I want a job I wake up everyday excited to get to.

When I started to look around at jobs and companies I realized quickly that without a plan and a set of “must haves” for my jobs that I would be overwhelmed very quickly. So I started to draft a list of the things I needed from an employer; health insurance, paid vacation, sick days and so on. More importantly though I started looking at the company culture, meaning what the company stood for and where their morals laid. In 2018 most companies are trying to be progressive and open-minded and be culturally inclusive and smart with their ads and policies–but how did they treat their main stream employees? I wanted to find a company that wasn’t starch and pressed, that was less corporate and more incorporated– one that focused on the talent and the brand and not some silly outdated industry ideology.  

I made a Glassdoor account to start sifting through companies and how they ranked among their employees as well as their salaries and compensation packages for employees. I was able to save or bookmark the ones I was interested in and start reading their job listings so I could tailor my resume to align better with what they were looking for. A former professor told me “you’ll never have one resume” — which confused me. How could I have more than one? With only one job history what could possibly go on multiple resumes? Well, the same things essentially but in different words, tones and activities. I developed different resumes, designs and tones for different companies or job roles to be able to start click applying and as I start applying I’ll keep you all updated on my journey!!