What we might add: prompted by questions from peer, maybe focused on the argument, add more detail–especially about senses, how it’s a juxtaposition
a thesis statement:it establishes your main idea; points out your side of an argument; makes a straightforward point (vs argumentative); summarizes the claim; outlines what you’ll find in the rest of the essay; a road map to the rest of the project; a guide for the reader; specific. End of your introduction.
What we might remove: look for repetition. If we want to avoid a particular stance, eg first person. (especially I believe, I feel, I think)
remove aspects that don’t fit with the focus we’re choosing (ask–what does this have to do with your argument? your comparison? your main idea?)
language, grammar, sentence boundaries, vocabulary, usage, for clarity
vocabulary to add: to make it more sophisticated,
grammar, sentence boundaries, how to make it sound better