11 thoughts on “Feedback for Jazmin”

  1. I enjoyed your introduction, it was able to grab the reader’s introduction and I also liked the title you chose for this essay.  But, your thesis wasn’t very clear, it felt as if the whole paragraph was your thesis when it should only be one sentence so it would of been better if you narrowed it down and also you did not have a counterclaim and your conclusion is missing. But overall, you were able to use your evidence well enough.

  2. Your essay had lots of information, but the start of your essay your just went right into it. There was no thesis that mentioned what side you were on. Your position on the topic was mentioned towards the end of the essay. You could have mentioned more examples of how technology can be harmful.

  3. I liked your thesis it was different and you had good evidence to support but some parts of your essay were confusing and all over the place. Additionally, you didn’t explain your evidence well you could’ve definitely been more detailed on how harmful technology can be. Another suggestion is to start your introduction with your thesis or something interesting such as a question to grab the readers attention also include a works cited page.

  4. I like how you started off by saying that many discoveries and inventions are adding to new technology and how it was once unimaginable. I like how you spoke about how we aren’t actually living in the era of innovation because we are using technology founded by our elders. I like how you gave us your side that you were choosing and how you felt that technology expansion is endless.

  5. I really like the first two sentence because it introduces the reader to think about the advancements in technology. I’m not sure what your thesis is, but it was interesting to read it in a question. I also liked the points you bring up. For example, that we don’t live in the gold era but rather are enjoying the inventions made from people in the past.

  6. It was good that you introduced your topic in the first couple sentences of the essay and I thought what you talked about was interesting. Something that can be improved about the essay is grammatical errors and the sentences are a little clunky. For example, in the 3rd paragraph, the transition sentence “for example, currently, according to the website” is excessive and can be shortened to something easier to read. Aside from that, I enjoyed reading your essay

  7. your introduction was good because it shows the advantage in technology. , but I couldn’t understand some parts of the essay for example your thesis, I couldn’t understand in which side you were. you should also add a conclusion and a counterclaim.

  8. I really liked that you talked about technology invention. But you didn’t have thesis I couldn’t understand what was your position. Also you need a counterclaim and reference page, overall I liked reading your essay.

  9.  I liked your essay and thought it was good, however I think you should make you thesis known in the intro paragraph. Also there were a few grammatical errors like missing question mark in the last sentence of the intro. I think you could’ve really talked more about the cons and pros of technology and define what you mean by technological advancement. Besides that, it’s a good essay. 
     

  10. your essay title  was very nice and so was your essay. I think you should include a clear thesis because you went straight into everything . But I think you discussed more about what you thought and there was no real personal experiences and include examples.

  11. Your introduction was really good and you showed the advantages of technology. You went right into it without giving a real thesis which was good. Something you can add is how technology was harmful.

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