19 thoughts on “Feedback for Ijeoma”

  1. From reading your essay it was clear to see what side you were going to be supporting. Your essay had details that supported your claim. Something I suggest you do is when you are stating an article you should mention the Authors full name. I think you could of added A counter paragraph

  2. Your essay was very well written. I agree with your thesis violent video games are not the cause of violence although I do think you should include your own experience to better support your claim. I like the quotes you used and you explained them well. One thing I would also include is the definition of violence or your definition of violence.

  3. Your essay was well written and had a lot of facts to prove your thesis, which was very clearly stated. I like that part where it was stated that its not video games that make people violent, its the aggression from the difficulty of the game that causes violence. Which I find extremely true because video games themselves do not make me violent, its when I’m really having a difficult time in a certain game when I get to punching holes in walls.

  4. The examples you used in your essay supported your claim. Next time put your personal experience into it. It does not have to be about you but it can be about your family and friends who plays video games. Your thesis was clear I understood it from the jump. Your analysis of your examples was well written full of details and I agree with you video games does not cause violence.

  5. Your essay was well written, had many details which supported your claim. You can probably make your counterclaim more clear. Also state the text and the author’s name when referring to a quote.

  6. I think your essay was really good. It was supported by facts and I could see your perspective on video game violence. The only improvement that can be made is to use real examples whether from what you’ve experienced or from others because while reading it I did notice a disconnect between you and your essay.

  7. And your second paragraph I think you should put in background information then introduce a quote. Do you have any type experience with violence when playing video games? I think you should use more outside information because you quoted a lot. Maybe ask people around you who played video games how do they feel.

  8. Your thesis was stated clearly and the use of the definition of what a video game is was a good detail. I think you should add your personal experience with video games id you have any. I also think you can add a counterclaim paragraph as well as add more to your conclusion but its a good essay.

  9. I enjoyed how you began your essay by defining what a video game is and your thesis was clearly stated. But, I believe your thesis could have been better if you didn’t make it sound like a opinion and more of a statement. You also could of added a perianal experience or maybe someone else’s story to shed some perspective. You also could have made your counter claim clearer.  Overall, everything was put well together.

  10. Your thesis statement was made clear and straight to the point and I would like you to run away from personal connection in your essay, to  making the essay feel more identifiable by incorporating your own experience. You could prove all your points with solid evidence. I liked your argument that video games do not make people violent because in my opinion the people who play those games are for fun or distraction, not for making a physical and mental connection.  I agree with you video games does not cause violence.

  11. Your claim was clear to understand that you don’t agree that video games cause violence. You really good at supporting your claim and reasons. one thing you could do is that you could put your own life experience or someone you know that players video games. I also liked that in your conclusion connect back with your claim.

  12. The essay is very detailed in opening the idea that video games are not the actual cause of violent aggression, it’s simply the difficulty of the game itself. One thing I believe you should work on is a bit of the grammar and run on sentences. Overall: Good essay!

  13. The essay is very detailed in opening the idea that video games are not the actual cause of violent aggression, it’s simply the difficulty of the game itself. One thing I believe you should work on is a bit of the grammar and run on sentences. Overall: Good essay!

  14. I liked how you had your side very clear that video games are not the cause of violence, but it’s because of the difficulty of the game that people get aggressive. One thing you could do is add your experience playing, or someone someone that you know.

  15. I liked how you had your side very clear that video games are not the cause of violence, but it’s because of the difficulty of the game that people get aggressive. One thing you could do is add your experience playing, or someone someone that you know.

  16. I liked your essay because I also think that video games do not cause violence. I liked that you supported your claim by adding that video games don’t cause violence, the difficulties of the levels do and you included sources to back up your argument. Some things that can be worked on are the sentence structures and grammar of your essay but overall, it was an interesting read

  17. I liked how clear your essay is on how video games are violent. I also liked how strong your evidence supported your claim. Something that can make your essay stronger is your personal experience with video games and how they affect you or how you view video games. There are also a few grammatical errors.

  18. I really liked your essay. You had a clear essay and brought up good points. I also liked your description to a study conducted. I also liked your point in paragraph 3, that the definition of  “violent behavior” is not used properly when describing violence. The only thing I suggest is to add a personal experience.

  19. Your essay was clear and easy to understand. Also you gave good supporting details. As someone who plays video games I believe they don’t cause any violence and that only people who take them literally are the problem

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