17 thoughts on “Feedback for Arian”

  1. Your intro was good but you did not have an into paragraph, so I kind of felt thrown into your essay. Your claim was very clear and you used great evidence to support it. i especially like when you said “… that it is all controlled by the controller.” you also had a good rebuttal. I think you need to work on the organization of your writing.

  2. I liked your introduction and how you mentioned a little background on video games. Try using more transition words when explaining your quotes instead of saying “this shows” try using “this emphasizes/portrays”. I think you could definitely include more details to support your argument that video games are not the cause for violence also try including your personal experience and what you believe causes violence.

  3. I liked the introduction, it shows how you strongly support that violent games do not cause people to be more violent. While reading your essay There were many details included that were supported with evidence. Getting towards the middle of the essay it began to sound a little repetitive. Something else I like was the conclusion.

  4. Your essay is very good, it has several details and good evidence to support your argument. I liked how you explained those evidences and gave your point of view with respect to the fact that video games are not always the cause of violence between people, but I would have liked you to expose a little about your perspectives and experiences in the videos and why you believe that it is not the cause of violence.

     

  5. I liked the beginning of your essay. I also liked how you used strong evidence to support your essay. Something that you can work on is the end of your essay which is a bit repetitive.You can also include more of your experience in your essay.

  6. I liked your essay. I think you could include what video games you play, do you ever get mad at these games? have you ever thought that maybe playing theme too much caused anger to build up causing people to then be violent? your introduction is like an abstract that tell the readers the whole background of your essay I think that was a good this to do, it could keep the reader interested

  7. I enjoyed how you began your introduction, it grabbed my attention. You were also able to prove your points pretty clearly. An improvement that could have been made is you could have used more transition words and also I noticed in the body paragraph, you were a bit repetitive. Other than that, it was a good essay.

  8. I liked your essay, I thought you had a clear thesis but I wish you added more of your own point of view/ perspective  I also think you could’ve use transitional words to help the flow of your essay. At some point your essay did seem repetitive but by adding some personal experience it would help get rid of that; Overall, it was a good essay.

  9. your essay its clear. I think it would be better if you add about your experience playing video games. talk about how video games make you feel and how do you feel when you loose a game. also go more deep into explaining you evidence.

  10. your essay its clear. I think it would be better if you add about your experience playing video games. talk about how video games make you feel and how do you feel when you loose a game. also go more deep into explaining your evidence.

  11. your claim was easy to understand, and I like how you give counterclaim on the first paragraph. I think you should put your own life experience since you play video games. You did good sticking to your side and giving evidence. I think there lot of details need it be supported with evidence,Overall your essay was good.

  12. I believe that the essay is okay for what is is. However there is certain aspects that can be improved upon, such as the structure of writing and the amount of detail used within the writing. The amount of evidence being used can help the reader understand the topic and stance of your essay, which is something you used well.

  13. I enjoyed your essay because you had a lot strong claims. Something I suggest, is to use transition words. Instead of only using “This shows” you can use “In other words,” or “Ultimately.” I also think that you should add what you thought about the text. Other than that, it was a good essay.

  14. You were really clear about your claim and made some good points about how video games don’t actually make a person violent. The structure of your essay can be more organized and you can include more information in it as well.

  15. I like your essay and I like how you spoke about video games. You had good details that correlated with your main idea, you also had a strong argument and you introduced the side you were choosing, however you can work on the structure of your essay.

  16. I thought your essay was clear and easy to understand what you were trying to say. Also your introduction was well written. I agreed with your argument since I play video games as well. The only thing to work on is the overall structure of the paper

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