17 thoughts on “Feedback for Salama (Essay 2)”

  1. Your essay was pretty good I do think you make some very good points but you don’t really support it with evidence. I think you should make your thesis more known it wasn’t very clear what side you were supporting and elaborate on your quotes don’t explain what the quote is saying mention how it supports your claim. you should also improve your conclusion.

  2. I like your essay and I think you claim/ thesis can be stronger and more clear so people can understand what your argument  or you opinion on you topic is. I think you can use your can include how is or isn’t your argument related to you. instead of introducing a quote with the text name you can refer it by the author last name and people would know where its from from the work cited page. I think you should state you opinion more instead of telling the readers what the quote means.

  3. your essay has a good evidence, but I really didn’t understand in what side your on.  your essay has a good structure. I think the topic is really good. you have good evidence the only thing is that you need to explain more clear in what side you are on.

  4. your essay has a good evidence, but I really didn’t understand in what side your on.  your essay has a good structure. I think the topic is really good. you have good evidence the only thing is that you need to explain more clear in what side you are on.

  5. I liked the topic of your essay, however, your thesis wasn’t as clear as it could’ve been. I also liked that you added outside sources and sited from them in essay, but you didn’t elaborate after you added your quotes, which is something I wish you did. The conclusion could be improved as well, but, I think it was a good start.

  6. I liked the topic of your essay, it was very interesting however It was not really clear what side you were arguing for. You had evidence in your essay but you did not say anything explaining it further and stating your own opinion. You just explained what the quote meant but did not choose a side to defend.

  7. I like how you introduced your essay and that you have many details but the wording was a little off. I wasn’t sure what your thesis was and the order of your essay had me a bit confused. You have enough information gleaned to support both sides but you didn’t actually pick a side, you introduced an opposing claim but you didn’t rebuttal which kind of lost me

  8. I like how you introduced your essay and that you have many details but the wording was a little off. I wasn’t sure what your thesis was and the order of your essay had me a bit confused. You have enough information gleaned to support both sides but you didn’t actually pick a side, you introduced an opposing claim but you didn’t rebuttal which kind of lost me

  9. Your essay was well written and presented a good idea but I feel like you needed to state your thesis better and you could have also used more evidence to support it

  10. Your essay is very good, it has good references, a hook that catches the eye of continuing reading. the only thing that I think is that you have to go arguing part by part your reason with its evidences like according a outline.

  11. Your essay had a really good hook in the beginning and got me interested immediately. I feel like you weren’t really for a side but you did a good job of introducing both sides. The conclusion could’ve been improved by extending it as well

  12. I enjoyed your essay but it was a bit repetitive and what you talk about doesn’t necessarily match your evidence that you put in the text l. I also have some questions like how does it detrimentally affect the health and well being of ppl?how does having the perspective that you have many of friends  Make you less social in real life ?how do they relate. I also like that you had a Clear thesisAnd you had a great use of language. I do think you need some adjustments, you change subject instead of addressing your claim and arguing it 

  13. I really enjoyed your introduction. It definitely grabbed my attention. You argued some pretty good points but your thesis was not very clear. You were not specific what side you are arguing for. You also could have done better with the conclusion.

  14. I liked your essay and thought but I thought you could be more clear on a few aspects like the thesis. Also a I thought you could add a few more details to support your claim.

  15. I liked your opening sentence. I think that you should fix your thesis statement. I think that it may be too wordy and not straight to the point. Maybe you can break up that sentence. It can go something like this: “But, have you noticed that we as humans are making a horrible impact on ourselves by relying too much on technology. As a result, we become less creative and more dependable on technology.” But, I really enjoyed your reading your essay.

  16. I really liked your introduction, but it hard to know which side your no. I think you should make your thesis more clear for reader to understand, Also you need a reference page. overall your writing was very good.

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