17 thoughts on “Feedback for Leo”

  1. There were lots of parts throughout your essay that I liked, mostly because I felt like I could relate and knew what it was like because I been in your shoes. The parts that stood out to me were “it thought me to fight the hardest battles because even if you lose you will gain a new skill set or knowledge from it.” I also liked “I came to a realization that even though there will always be somebody better than you and somebody working harder than you it doesn’t matter as long as you work as hard as you possibly can.” Those quotes were really inspirational. Some of the thing that you should try and work on is using commas In your writing. Some of your sentences were just too short and it wasn’t necessary for periods to be where they were.

  2. When reading your essay, I discovered that sports can teach extremely valuable lessons like perseverance and resilience. I also enjoyed when you mentioned having a difficult childhood and stated that you “believe that everybody has their own struggle of some manner,” showing empathy. One of the things you should work on is your capitalization as discussed in class. From a writing standpoint, try to elaborate on some of details you gave in the story. For example, you stated your track coach “did one of the nicest gestures that I have ever experienced from somebody that wasn’t obligated to do so.” I was hoping you could tell me about that gesture and how it impacted your life. Maybe we can get more personal and you could tell me about some of the real difficulties you have faced.

  3. Hello leo, I’ll start off by saying I loved the introduction, it was a great way to grab the readers attention with a hook. I also like how you could admit that you weren’t the best football played but you didn’t let that discourage you. I also like how each time you mention an issue you went through, you talked about how sports helped you with it. That was a great way to not lose focus. You had a few grammatical errors and too much repetition through out the essay. There were also sentences that ended to abruptly, longer sentences would help

  4. One thing I think was good in your essay how you discussed about pass difficulties that you once had because it shows how you grew and changed as as person. You briefly informed the readers how you are up really fast and this isn’t just a first time thing. I like how you stated how you never gave up and you had support there to push you further. One thing I think you can improve on is the capitalization of for I’s and you can also include more detailed information but make sure they are not run on sentences.

  5. Your essay was nostalgic, which is my favorite thing about it. It reminded me of the memories I created while playing a sport in school. However, I feel like your essay could’ve been more captivating if it wasn’t as repetitive, using more details would help counteract the sense of repetition. Elaborate more on your high school experience and the coaches you had. Grammatically, you can improve a bit with the capitalization of your  I’s throughout your essay. But, I do admire the concept of your narrative .

  6. Overall, your essay was good. You spoke about something that many people can relate too and I enjoyed how you made a connection about your self to a real life lesson. I believe your essay spoke to people in some ways. But, something you could of done better is being careful with grammar mistakes and also with being repetitive.

  7. Personally I thought you had a good essay, but the only thing that was missing was adding more detail and explaining your thoughts more. Another thing is not being as repetitive and using different words to describe certain ideas in the paper. Other than that though, you demonstrated the difficulties you faced and how football and track had a big impact on you along with their coaches, so the essay was good.

  8. Your essay has very valuable lessons and it’s relatable. Since the essay is a “creative pedagogy narrative,” I would have liked to see more narrative in your essay. For example, in your second and third paragraph you talk about the difficulties and your experiences with coaches. Elaborating those stories can build a more personal story. You had minor grammatical errors. Other than that, your essay was very good and inspirational.

  9. Although your essay had certain grammatical errors and a repetitiveness in lowercase “I’s”, it did not distract from the narrative of the essay. The essay was very clear on the story and it shows how fervent you were in explaining said story. Most of the essay I enjoyed because of how much I can relate to it.

  10. I never thought that a sport could teach you  life experience until I read your essay. It was very interesting how your coach help you even thought it wasn’t his job. Something you could improve it’s to put the I in capital letters and some others letters. But otherwise the essay was good.

  11. I love your introduction ! It was smooth to read that first paragraph. I also liked how you explained that  sports made you into a responsible person. But, you should fix grammar and not repeat the same words throughout  your paragraphs.

  12. I love your essay and how it explained how you learned the importance of learning something through past mistake. I love the details that you added to make the reader understand things more through your shoes. But you can add more detail on thing like the team you were on, how did you get into high school football, what inspired you,or how did you “lose” yourself.

  13. I like how you stated how you never gave up and you had support there to push you further. One thing I think you can improve on is the capitalization of for I’s and you can also include more detailed information but make sure they are not run on sentences.

  14. I like how you mentioned that football was a challenging experience and how it helped you grow into a better person today. you do have a few grammatical errors that need to be fixed. But, other than that I thought your essay was very interesting and had a good hook to grab the readers attention.

  15. the things  I liked was you talked about how high school changes your life. well connect with you because high school was best year of my . I want more details on what made you listen to your coach. I really enjoyed reading your story

  16. You expressed your feelings and experiences very well with many details. I am glad you still use the lessons you have learned. To get to the top you need support and you had that good for you. Your essay format was good. You just need to read it over again and fix little mistakes and explain what you went through effected others around you.

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