Parvena First Draft

Prob and Stat. First Draft

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6 Responses to Parvena First Draft

  1. Ying says:

    Here are my comments on your paper:
    1. In your introduction, you have use a quote from one of Brooks columns that “everything can be measured should be measured…like foretell the future”. I understand that you want to tell the readers a brief statement about what data is and what it does. But I think you should explain the quote first in order to to prove why it matters to your thesis or to the author’s thesis. So what? If you don’t explain, it doesn’t seem to have any connection to the next sentence in which you talk about two things data does.
    2. I am confuse by this sentence, “The option where situations in which … mentally recognize to be happening.” Are you trying to say something that relates to Brooks claim? Because it is repeating the quote you have mentioned earlier, and again you have to explain why the quote, “In what situation…follow the data,” is important when people thinking about data.
    3. I am having trouble understanding your thesis. At the middle of your first paragraph, you claim that “Even if you know…to go with data or their own intuition”. I think this is your thesis statement, but it should appear at the end of the introduction (usually the last sentence is your thesis statement). Instead, you used an example of the CEO as the ending sentence of the introduction. It seems like you didn’t clear state the thesis and therefore you didn’t give yourself and the readers a clear direction of what you are trying to research or explore in your paper.
    4. The reference given in paragraph 2 doesn’t seem directly relevant to your thesis. I understand that you are tried to put some of the report assignment in this paper, but it is not necessary. You have already talked about what you are going to research and explore in the introduction and there is no need to repeat yourself again. Also, you should not start off a paragraph with such word “however,” or “as well as,” because it is a long run-on sentence. If you really want to use that paragraph, my suggestion is that you can just start it with a clear topic sentence such as “I have found this column…” This kind of sentence would be good enough because you give an idea of what you going to talk about in this whole paragraph.
    5. The opening in your third paragraph tells us that you are going to talk about “an outstanding story” regarding to the economists of the CEO, but then at the middle you state the “positive” and “negative” aspects of data. Actually, you have expanded the good idea but it didn’t relate back to the thesis. For example: you have talk about how “data helps to provide us reality…however, data does a few thing poorly.” Firstly, I would say this is a sentence fragment, and secondly, think of do they “really” relate to your topic (main idea) while you keep discussing how data struggles with other things?
    6. I would suggest you move this sentence out from your fourth paragraph, “I do however agree the importance of data…to making decision.” I think it would be more effective if you were to incorporate it in your introduction to states your point.
    7. Instead of focusing on Brooks claims, I would suggest you to talk more about the other two articles that you found. They are interesting and you can explain how decision “always depends upon you.”
    8. Your conclusion is not descriptive enough yet, because you keep repeating the things you have mentioned early. I understand that you want to summarize what you have written so far, but just do not repeat the same words. Try to summarize it with different words and sentences, and most importantly, DO NOT FORGET TO CITE YOUR SOURCES. I do not see any citation when you quote, paraphrase or summarize.
    Summary:
    Overall, you have many good ideas in your essay, but I would suggest you to work on the organization of the paper and clear state your thesis. For example: you should add some transition sentences at the end of every paragraph to tie the pervious idea/topic with your next or further idea/topic. This would help you organize your idea and make every paragraph have a specific topic. Also, I think you should pay more attention (focus on) to these two articles, “Leadership structure…Board,” and “CEO…analysis” instead of keep repeating the ideas that Brooks has said. It is good to focusing on details sometimes, but as long as you understand the details, you should combine them to talk about how these or that affect’s ones decision and explain clearly why the “decision always depends upon you” not others (data).

    Thank you!

    • Parvena says:

      Discussion of peer review:
      Some of these things you mentioned in your comments were already done in my paper…look back at it. It’s organized as the way the professor wants it and has many transition words from one topic to the next. Every Paragraph has a specific topic..one paragraph which should be the first paragraph talks about Brook’s two articles, the next paragraph talks about the two research articles I done and then the last paragraph is the in conclusion. We had to incorporate our research with the ideas Brook’s mentioned. This was told to us in class by the man who came to teach us writing techniques. He also mentioned if we put quotes we don’t have to explain it since it will be repetition. We we had to do either or but not both. Also the word “however” can be used because it is a transition word. If you took english 101 there’s a book called Reader’s Writers that tells you that along with the other transition words.

      I believe my focus on the two articles is enough because it states the key points(necessary details), and follows my topic of the CEO that I choose from Brook’s articles that we had to do….when you put too much detail, it’ll go off topic and loose the focus of what your really trying to say which is what you kinda did in your paper. Then we also had to relate it to what Brook’s mentioned in his articles. You have to be straight forward and to the point, you wouldn’t want to loose your audience.

      I also did explain how the decision depends on you…due to your situation. Everyone’s situation is different and values. EX: the CEO

      I mentioned a repetition in my in conclusion, because that’s what the writing guy said to do when he came to our class. An in conclusion is a repetition on what you stated in your intro and overall body as well as the purpose of the paper and your opinion. But I guess I’ll have to work on it. I’ll take a look at it and fix it up. Thanks. As for the sources, it can be listed at the end of the paper. Thanks….I didn’t have to use citation after the quotes since I used and said “according to brook’s. I gave him credit. The man who came to our class told us this as well. When you summarize and paraphrase you don’t need citation.

      Your number 5..when I meant by outstanding story I was using it as an example..since I already spoke about the outstanding story earlier in the paper I believe…I had mentioned it again to make/explain a point I was making.

      The rest of your comment for number 5, your right. I’ll have to take a look at that and adjust that part. Thanks. I mentioned about data since it’s the main reason why we doing this paper to learn about data…to know the positive and negative of data and how people can use it to there advantage or not use it depending on their particular situation. like the CEO did.

      The example of CEO is my topic hence why it is the last sentence of the introduction. It’s the topic we had to choose to do this paper and report. SO yes that my thesis. What you mentioned of what could be my thesis yes that works too. If you thin about it’s the same thing. I just put that same idea of what you thought is the thesis in regards to the CEO example since it’s the topic/focus. Thanks.

      I will take at the other things you mentioned to do the final draft and work on the repetition and try to make even more clearer and organized. Thanks for the comments YING. I have the things there. I guess I’ll make it clearer. Thanks
      Also In the intro I just gave the summary of what Brook’s talked about. I’ll work on it to make it more clear…thanks.

  2. Parvena says:

    Discussion:
    Some of these things you mentioned in your comments were already done in my paper…look back at it. It’s organized as the way the professor wants it and has many transition words from one topic to the next. Every Paragraph has a specific topic..one paragraph which should be the first paragraph talks about Brook’s two articles, the next paragraph talks about the two research articles I done and then the last paragraph is the in conclusion. We had to incorporate our research with the ideas Brook’s mentioned. This was told to us in class by the man who came to teach us writing techniques. He also mentioned if we put quotes we don’t have to explain it since it will be repetition. We we had to do either or but not both. Also the word “however” can be used because it is a transition word. If you took english 101 there’s a book called Reader’s Writers that tells you that along with the other transition words.

    I believe my focus on the two articles is enough because it states the key points(necessary details), and follows my topic of the CEO that I choose from Brook’s articles that we had to do….when you put too much detail, it’ll go off topic and loose the focus of what your really trying to say which is what you kinda did in your paper. Then we also had to relate it to what Brook’s mentioned in his articles. You have to be straight forward and to the point, you wouldn’t want to loose your audience.

    I also did explain how the decision depends on you…due to your situation. Everyone’s situation is different and values. EX: the CEO

    I mentioned a repetition in my in conclusion, because that’s what the writing guy said to do when he came to our class. An in conclusion is a repetition on what you stated in your intro and overall body as well as the purpose of the paper and your opinion. But I guess I’ll have to work on it. I’ll take a look at it and fix it up. Thanks. As for the sources, it can be listed at the end of the paper. Thanks….I didn’t have to use citation after the quotes since I used and said “according to brook’s. I gave him credit. The man who came to our class told us this as well. When you summarize and paraphrase you don’t need citation.

    Your number 5..when I meant by outstanding story I was using it as an example..since I already spoke about the outstanding story earlier in the paper I believe…I had mentioned it again to make/explain a point I was making.

    The rest of your comment for number 5, your right. I’ll have to take a look at that and adjust that part. Thanks. I mentioned about data since it’s the main reason why we doing this paper to learn about data…to know the positive and negative of data and how people can use it to there advantage or not use it depending on their particular situation. like the CEO did.

    The example of CEO is my topic hence why it is the last sentence of the introduction. It’s the topic we had to choose to do this paper and report. SO yes that my thesis. What you mentioned of what could be my thesis yes that works too. If you thin about it’s the same thing. I just put that same idea of what you thought is the thesis in regards to the CEO example since it’s the topic/focus. Thanks.

  3. Parvena says:

    This would be considered the post of a summary of the discussion we had to have in class but didn’t do , however we did it via email and then we had to put it as a response to the review of our piece(first draft).

    Ying I hope you got my email in regards to the comment for your paper.. the comment still says pending…so I post it the way we had to do for our first draft. =)

  4. Ying says:

    I think you can go back to my draft and click on “leave comment” and copy and paste the comments there as well as what you did (summary of disscussion ) here. Yeah, I could check it.

  5. Parvena says:

    It worked on here since I click reply to your comment to do the summary of discussion….but it doesn’t work when I wanted to leave the comment on your first draft…it still say’s waiting for moderation.

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