Losing Hope

Have you ever been in a situation where hope is the only thing that gives you strength to wake up in the morning?  However, what happens when you lose that hope?  One of my uncles who lived in Canada was diagnosed with leukemia in January of 2003.  He had traveled when I was a baby, and we reconnected only two years before his death.  He was tall and thin; his eyes were brown, and he loved wearing red.  Most of his sweaters, socks, shirts were of that color; he even bought a red car.  He was the quiet one among his siblings just like me.  I was eleven years old when I first met my uncle, he was shocked because the last time he had seen me I was a baby.  I only spent two weeks with him.  I wanted to stay longer, but in my culture, children do not have a say in decision-making.

Every year, my sister and I went to see him for the summer.  He had two daughters, Sandy and Melissa.  My cousins were 4 and 7 years old, so the relationship between us was minimal but they always looked forward to seeing us during summer vacation because we went to the park, restaurant, and the Canadian carnival; moreover, I told them stories about Haiti because they had never been there.

Leukemia is a disease of the blood.  There are many kinds, but until this day I still do not know which one my uncle had; it is not an easy topic to bring up in a family reunion, or even ask my parents.  When my uncle became sick, everybody lost hope because they knew there was minimal treatment for leukemia depending on the stage.  He had to start chemotherapy immediately.  Chemotherapy is a course of drugs that they administer to destroy cancerous cells; the treatment kills normal cells also in the end.  I was young and did not know much about the disease except that there was no cure, and the chance of surviving was minimal.  I was the only one with a little hope because I was waiting on a miracle from God. What more can a thirteen-year-old do but hope, and pray for her favorite uncle to get better?  I lost hope when I overheard my mother and father talking about the chemotherapy not having had any effect on the disease.  They said that the doctor did not see any improvement and gave him one month to live.

Right at that moment the tears started falling and my hope vanished.  Two months later, he died.  Those tears I shed will never go away; they will always remind me of that pain.  The pain of loss is what I am speaking of, a pain that made me fall to my knees.  I really despised it; I wanted to be strong for my siblings, but what else could I do but fall and cry?  As a student nurse, this very painful experience also educated me about the nature of loss and death.  I learned to respect a client in terminal stage of cancer or other diseases.  From my experience, I know it is all right for a client to grieve, and that I should encourage the family to express their feelings, to prepare them for the death of the client.

Back then, I hated to have these tears fall from my eyes.  This pain of loss will never go away.  Every time I see my cousins, the tears start falling again; the youngest did not have a chance to know her father.  I did not have the opportunity to go to Canada and say good-bye because school was in session and it was examination time.  I grieved for a long time, but in the end, I knew that my uncle would not want me to keep on crying.  I think he is happy and proud that I was the only one who had hope and that I was able to get over the loss.  Hope is the last thing ever lost.  Every year, my dad holds a memorial for my uncle.  Every time I miss him, I just open the family album and memories of activities we used to do together flows back, and bring joy into my heart.  When we are going to church on Sundays, he would always ask us if we had our weapons, which are the rosary and the bible.  He always use to tell me “You will be a success in whatever you choose to do, just believe in yourself and don’t let anyone tell you differently.”   When I feel like giving up and do not have a strong support system, I remember something my uncle used to tell my sister, “you have to suffer before you reach success.”  He is always with me in my heart and I will always strive to be successful.