Brittny,
These are great beginnings to this essay you have here. I’ve posted most of my comments to the DOC itself, but here are some big picture thoughts:
–I love how you begin to describe the sounds and strums of the song, but can you go further? Make me “hear” this song with your words.
–It seems like the most powerful question you’re raising in this essay (at least to me) is the question of how insecurity and love are related. Can you bring in another article that helps us explore this question? Some more quotes from Arsanios’ text and from Hill’s song—as well as your thoughts about those quotations—would be helpful too.
Don’t forget an MLA Works Cited page!
Thanks,
M
Hi Brittny
First and foremost, I hope you are doing well in the middle of this pandemic. I think the first line of your introduction is catchy but you might have to fix the grammar a little bit. I agree with you that pain can feel impossible sometimes, would you like to tell a bit more about what exactly happened between Arsanios text and with your experiences. I mean maybe some dialogs. I just want to say thanks again for sharing your experiences with us.
Hi Brittny,
You’ve started your essay so poetically. Including the quote to ease into the core concepts of love after heartbreak was a great idea. I was placed in the right mindset to digest the song of choice and eager to read ahead. There’s so many great topics that by Lauryn Hill touches on in her music (a reason why she’s so amazing), so agreeing with Prof. Street, narrowing your focus down to 2-3 concepts will really strengthen your essay. Self-acceptance, toxic love, and growth are the three mentioned you touch on a lot. Inserting snippets of specific lyrics into the paper will allow readers to complete the connection from the core concepts to your questions. Nonetheless, it’s a great start!
Take care and good luck with your final draft!
Hey Brittny,
I loved the way in which you started your essay with discussing the relationship between peace and pain. I felt as if it gave a general, yet well put together, explanation of where you wanted the reader to understand where you were navigating throughout your essay. The quote regarding heartbreak by Stephen King really helped to emphasize the human emotion in how they may have that fear of being reluctant to face heartbreak.
I would suggest that while exploring the topics you listed that Lauren Hill covers in this song, you should include more of your personal experience with your relation to pain in order for the reader to understand more of where you are coming from. For instance, you talk about how every note in the song strums to you? What is it about the notes that affects you in that manner? I also agree with the professor in focusing on a few topics, instead of that broad range you mentioned, in order to concentrate on how those components she covers will help strengthen your message within your essay. You could possibly choose what key words in the song reflect that too.
Overall, I really enjoyed what you wrote so far and hope you’ll be able to have fun with exploring these new suggestions in your revision. Hope you are staying safe!
Hey Brittny,
Thank you for sharing with us. Honestly, I love your essay starter, it’s very captivating in a way that I know will develop into a story of heartbreak. Maybe try to add a title to your essay that relates to the song “I gotta find peace of mind (live)” by Lauryn Hill, but I’ll leave that up to you.
In general, I like the connections you make from the song to the article by Mirene
Arsanios, but do try to focus on one main idea and expand from thereon. I think this will strengthen your essay a lot more. You have a lot of good material; consider expanding on the topic of toxic love and insecurities a little more if possible.
Hope you are staying safe and good luck on your final draft!
Hello Brittny,
Great draft! I really like how it’s coming along. Also, thanks for introducing me to another song for when I’m “in my bag.” Heartbreak is definitely the worst kind of pain, no question about that. Dealing with that pain is a whole ‘nother beast that you have to conquer. You can hear that pain and struggle clearly in Hill’s voice and the guitar playing. That sort of emotion just adds to the impact of the song, making it so much better to listen to. I like the direction you’re going with your draft. The way you talk about love, you seem as though you’re an expert on it. Wither that or you’ve had a lot of experience with it. Whatever experience that may be, I would like to hear about it as you develop your essay. You speak about Hill’s love experience in the second paragraph, then Arsanios’ love experience, so it’s only fitting that you solidify it further with your love experience. I think it would be a nice touch, and strengthen your argument by appealing to ethos and establishing your credibility to talk on this subject.
Be safe!
Hi Britnny,
Thanks for sharing your experience, I really understand your pain and how you feel. I’ve felt the same pain while dealing with a heartbreak also and it’s not the greatest feeling. Also, I like how you talked about how the pain of a heartbreak can have a impact on emotions and your life. There are a few grammar errors in the beginning but other than that I think it is a great first draft.
I don’t know if it was intentional or not but that smart of you picking a lengthy song. In lengthy song there tends to be more word and sound thus more ways to support your ideas. When you said the song talks about “Insecurities, toxic love, growth,
maturity, faith, God and Self-acceptance” I wished you would’ve showed a connection between 2 or more of these.for example the connection between growth and maturity oR SELF ACCPECTANCE AND LOVE. When you said “After my heartbreak the insecurities I experienced was from the loss of trust.” I wished you expanded on that this would in my opionoin elevated your writing