Jayvon,
I hope some more feedback for you on your Essay 2 rolls in; it’s the end of the semester, so I assume many students are quite busy. However, it would be good if they read this given the thought you’ve put into it.
A couple ideas:
–what about putting the questions in their own paragraph after your second paragraph? You comment at the end of that paragraph on the hi-hat sound that reminds you of a “flashback.” You could stop there and observe that this sound leads to certain questions about the meanings suggested by certain weird sounds in the song–and the song in general. Then you could pose your questions
–after you pose your questions, you can propose your own hypotheses that respond to some of them. After reading this draft, I think you’re focusing on three ways of understanding Brown’s use of the term “union”: the union between past and present that a person might try to build (or break) as they “grow,” the union a man and a woman might try to build, the “union” of the USA, threatened as it is by police violence. In your next draft you could propose and explore not only these hypotheses but also how they are related to each other.
–building off the last point, can you add a paragraph—or several paragraphs—that explore the connections between the difficulties of “being a man” in a relationship (on one hand) and being a man in a society racked by police violence. It strikes me that difficulties with authority are involved in both of these “fraught” unions. I encourage you to go into your own experience here as well as Namwali Serpell’s text that we read titled “Triptych.”
All my best,
M
Hi Jayvon,
Interesting song choice! It was a different experience reading the questions you had for State of the Union before the Essay, which motivated me to listen to the song before diving into everything else to figure out what was the meaning behind your questions. I would suggest experimenting with the placement of the questions throughout your essay like Prof. Street mentioned, although at the beginning isn’t a bad choice either. I like how you described the sounds within the song, along with the lyrics, and drew connections to each other; such as cymbal and the flashback. Adding more lines detailing the connection of the music behind the lyrics and how they intentionally/unintentionally support the narrative would be an added touch! To reiterate much of what Prof. Street said, adding your own answers would be something to expand upon. It’d be exciting to see how you believe this song came to be and what led to Chris taking a political non-political stance, which is very different from the usual music he makes.
Take care and good luck with your final draft!
Hey Jayvon hope all is well.
I really liked the development of your essay 2. However, I think you are missing an article that connects to the song, as that’s part of assignment 2, and also try to include MLA citation at the end for the articles you are going to use. Aside from that I liked the questions you added at the beginning of the essay but do try to relate the questions to specific paragraphs as the professor said. Hope to see your final draft soon, good luck!
Hello Jayvon,
This is not even a draft, man! You went all out on this and basically finished your essay. Everything looks great. Your analysis is good, and I like how you consistently referred back to the song as you spoke about what it discusses. It was interesting how you took the hi-hat into consideration when discussing the tone of the song. It kind of does sound like a snapshot. As if he’s framing each verse as a picture, or a moment. That was a really cool point to make. One thing that I would recommend is placing your social issue higher up. Assuming the social issue you chose was police brutality, having it so low in the essay prevents much emphasis from being placed on it. If you mention it earlier, then you are able to draw connections back to it as you discuss the song, and continuously remind the reader that it is one of the focuses of the essay. Once you’re able to strike that balance between focusing on the song and the social issue, you’re good.
Be safe!
The first paragraph I love the tone use of language made the essay an intellectual feel to it. I connect a lot with the thought process u had in the second paragraph while listening to the song the reading you essay I drew the same conclusions. I feel like this essay is perfected I don’t see any errors or have any idea how you can make it better. I love the connection you made between the state of union song tittle and state of the union event
Hey Jayvon
Thank you for sharing your educational experiences with us. I hope everything is going well for you. I mean I really have to say that your essay does not even look like a draft it looks more of like a final draft. It’s an interesting song that you have chosen. I like the way you refer back to the song as you speak about what it discusses. one suggestion that I would give is to discuss more about the social issue. overall it has been a fabulous essay to read. Great work keep it up!