https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DJ41dLRvFNniJ1nCsz2DAni3rOEHoMPp8q9OO05l6dA/edit?usp=sharing
Composition 1
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DJ41dLRvFNniJ1nCsz2DAni3rOEHoMPp8q9OO05l6dA/edit?usp=sharing
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Hey Aravis! I lovedddd your essay! Most of my feedback is just about little things and points of appreciation. I made the suggestions on the document itself/highlighted quotes so that was an awesome feature that I completely forgot was a thing haha. I really like the style you used for the first one! I felt like I was in the robber’s mind. And in the POV of the sister, I can really feel her anger especially when she talks about having to work random jobs while her brother just fucks around. It’s clear she loves her grandparents. Overall, great job! The only thing I think you need to do some revision on is your introduction. Focus a little more on telling us what styles you’re going to use and why? Tell us what you’re going for with the 2 interps you chose!
Great job , Aravis. I like how you picked two different individuals who have different experiences with the same event. I thought that your essay was a little bit difficult to follow with all of the edits throughout, but I trust that you will remove them before your final essay is submitted. I thought that your use of inner dialogue was particularly compelling in that it told the story in an interesting way, using a unique style, and captured the perspective of the characters. In your conclusion you write that we were given a lot of “leadway”, but I think that you mean leeway. Read it over one more time out loud to capture similar grammatical mistakes! Great job overall!
amazing essay, Aravis. I really enjoyed reading this unique way to look at the story. It was interesting seeing the inner thoughts of both the sister and the robber, which is something I never saw before and you nailed it. I agree with Cthys that it was a bit distracting having all those highlights and suggestions on the page but I understand Stephanie is trying to help out as all of us are. I really learned the thought process one can give to these characters, for example, you making the robber trying to justify his actions by blaming everyone but himself which is something that happens a lot in real life. The only suggestion I have is to maybe add more details to the intro otherwise you did great.
Hi Aravis,
I enjoyed reading your draft. The two different style of interpretations from Junot’s sister and the robber I felt was very creative. I liked how you portrayed the thief as selfish? “Capitalism is stealing from the poor to give to the rich. The rich are already robbin’ you. So why can’t I?” I liked this part a lot because you gave your character personality. Your style of writing is very creative and I enjoyed it. I also enjoyed your conclusion. For someone who is “pensive and analytical” I believe you came up with a great style and tone to share these perspectives. My only suggestion would be to proof read for any grammatical errors and run
on words. I’m looking forward to reading your final draft.
Also sidebar: I definitely didn’t know that about the author and I had to research that. That’s truly sad and repulsive.
Hi Aravis,
I enjoyed reading your draft. The two different style of interpretations from Junot’s sister and the robber I felt was very creative. I liked how you portrayed the thief as selfish? “Capitalism is stealing from the poor to give to the rich. The rich are already robbin’ you. So why can’t I?” I liked this part a lot because you gave your character personality. Your style of writing is very creative and I enjoyed it. I also enjoyed your conclusion. For someone who is “pensive and analytical” I believe you came up with a great style and tone to share these perspectives. My only suggestion would be to proof read for any grammatical errors and run
on words. I’m looking forward to reading your final draft.
Also sidebar: I definitely didn’t know that about the author and I had to research that. That’s truly sad and repulsive.
I like the reflective style of writting you chose for the thief’s perspective. This style of writting, although simplistic, gives a lot of context of why a thief would be a thief in the first place. Your thief interpretation provides a deep insight into the mind of the thief. One could compare it to a reflective dialogue in a play. It’s almost poetic in style. This was well executed. For example, ” I make money the fast way. You waitin’ two weeks for a check that’s half gone by the time it’s in your exhausted hands.
It’s not my fault you get caught slippin’. That’s on you”.
Junot’s sister’s interpretation was well execute because it showed a clear difference in perspective ton the stolen money. From the language shown, the sister expresses her strong emotions to the situation. For example,
“Now why the fuck would you do this to me?
You know I’m fucking broke.
B-R-O-K-E.
Shit we barely have enough to make it. I’m tired of this shit ass country. Yes, things are bad in the Domincian Republic. But I got Abuelo y Abuela”.
Both perspectives provided great reasoning for their feelings.
Aravis, hi
Nice draft. “The Robber” is hilarious in the ways you get inside the mind and language of this “bad guy” character (who at times becomes less “bad” and simply more “complicated” as you allows us into his thoughts).
A couple thoughts for revision:
Leave all of your intro only add to it: tell us more about how you’ve come to understand “style,” being as specific as you can. I’m also not clear on your last sentence of the intro—can you re-word? I suppose characters are “key elements” but I might also suggest you discuss the key events of the story here as well. (This ties in with my feedback below.)
“The Robber”
Ok, so the style and inner dialogue is great here. However, I think we need more context in order to convey the “key events” of the story. We don’t yet know in this draft how the Robber is related to Junot. Part of what is interesting is the second-person address (“You”), but you don’t have to assume that because this suggests your audience to be Junot himself that you can’t also use second-person to go into more details of the story that will help your reader (your audience is, after all, not the “you” that is Junot Diaz but first and foremost me and the class and whoever else reads this!). Something like: “you know you shuddna blabbed about you and your fam gon on vacay to DR or your mama’s nut o loot she been savin” would provide more context that would set up what the Robber thinks and does in this story.
Also: this story seems unfinished—several key events (Junot’s return, his break-in to the Robber’s house, his interactions with the Robber in the street/yard, etc.). You gotta bring these in!
“Junot’s Sister”
Again, it’s cool that you’re starding in media res (in the middle of things—ie post robbery), but see if you can use a flashback (It all started when…) to introduce the context and key events (mom building a nut, family vacay, etc.) that set up the robbery. Otherwise the story is half missing!
Interesting thoughts about Junot Diaz in your conclusion; there is indeed controversy surrounding his work that is ongoing, but especially since he wrote a “MeToo” piece for the New Yorker a couple years ago about being sexually molested as a child by a family member. This piece subsequently inspired several women he’s been with to come forward with accusations regarding his own sexual/dating etiquette during his relations with them. It’s a complicated controversy, for sure, and depending on how open to it you are (sounds like maybe you aren’t, which is fair), it could be interesting to read further into this case. That said, I hope you didn’t feel like you “had” to write a story based on “The Money”—you’re right there is a lot of leeway in this assignment, which leaves your choice of story up to you!
M