https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1Op1DgfHSpO–WqwwTEN_0p59R_MlRyAz
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Hey Brittny,
I really like the essay you have wrote. One thing I learned from reading your stories are how to keep the main components in the story as well as switching the style of the original. In style one I like how you gave attention to the characters in the story and I could use that idea for my own. One suggestion I do have for you is not to use “I” too much and give more detail to the story. It’s good in you’re text to give the reader a mental image of what the story looks like and not just the main character of the story. This will also help people interrupt You’re story how you want them to. For example your text states “It was cold outside. Gray, it’s always gray in Chicago. I walked by the protestors yelling and screaming at us. I was overwhelmed. I quickly stiffened up as a man with these dark glasses started to tell me that God will forgive me. He forgives all his children. I was silent. I was scared. I was alone. This bastard looked at me as if he wanted to ask me something but, he also remained silent.” You can reduce this paragraph to not use the word “I” too much and make it more detailed. You have A great essay and I hope I could help.
Marcus Robinson
(Feedback) Hello Brittny, I liked your essay it was very informative and very emotional as you put effort into how the character feels. I suggest adding more details on the nurse’s perspective and maybe add a perspective of the guy she got pregnant from. Your conclusion was well put, overall you did good.
Hey Brittny! I think you did a great job with these 2 stories! But I’m a little confused. What exactly was stolen from Michelle and how did she get it back? You did great following the idea of using two different styles, but I didn’t find any of the main points of the story “the money”. Read over my feedback to Jesse Abarro (It’s the first essay on the thread), I think you will find it helpful! But either way, I did add some notes and feedback to the stories you wrote which you can find in the following link. You can probably still use it for another assignment!
file:///C:/Users/sdira/Downloads/English-1121-Essay-1-draft-EDIT.pdf
Please let me know if it doesn’t work and I will email it to you!
Hi,
I didn’t write about “The money”. We could have chosen any other reading so I chose “Dirty Wedding”. I’m also not sure what you mean “What was stolen from Michelle.”
Hey Brittny! I’m sorry, for some reason I thought everyone had to use “The Money”. My bad! Disregard that part of my feedback! When I was asking about what was stolen I was referring to how in ” The Money” the money was stolen, so you can disregard that too! But everything else I wrote in the google doc copy applies (except for the stuff in respect to “the money”)
I liked your essay. I learned that two of your styles are very different and the first story is very emotional. I liked how you expressed Michelle’s emotions and thoughts about an abortion, “Will it hurt? Can the baby fell at this stage? Am I a murderer? My mind was racing.” My suggestion is to be more descriptive when you write about the characters and places. For example, you can describe how Michelle looked like when you wrote the story from the nurse’s perspective.
Hey, I liked both stories and the thought process of the girl while going through everything. I was a bit confused though because I don’t think we had to read the original story. I would still suggest giving us more backstory in the introduction in order for us to understand it more. otherwise, your stories are great, a bit dark for my personal taste, but great.
I like this essay. Even though they were both depressing the second one was a lot more touching since we see the same character that killed herself in the first story actually happy.
Great Essay. Its well rounded and clear and straight to the point. There isn’t much improvement needed, but I do think that you should provide more context for both Michelle and the nurse that helped her during her abortion. I would suggest to add more of how Michele’s relationship with her abusive boyfriend developed from good to bad. I like the style you chose to use for both perspectives because its using ethos to activate emotion.
Essay 1 Final Draft
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1Op1DgfHSpO–WqwwTEN_0p59R_MlRyAz