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Developmental Writing Express Summer 2019
The Split Self: Personal Identity On- and Off-line
On my first CAT W practice essay, the feedback that my peers gave me was that I could change around my thesis so it wouldn’t be repetitive. That my examples that I had on my essay were good examples about racism, but that it wasn’t necessarily close the language like in Gloria Naylor’s work. In the second paragraph my peers said that I could change the example and or elaborate more on it. Explain what is racism, and why it exist in the first place. In the third paragraph they said that I should’ve just left the scene about Jackie Robinson because that did connect to Gloria’s work, also to expand on it. For example, what was going on through the mind of Jackie and how the team reacted, who stepped up defend Jackie Robinson. On the last paragraph, they said that I could’ve invented some detail up and elaborate on the situation.
For Raul’s essay; from introduction to last paragraph. I suggested that he first, change the wording of his thesis. For example, instead of saying “same identities and different identities” twice he could change it to “a noun has different meaning when people from different and or same racial background are involved.” I then said that his thesis was clear but the examples he used to explain his point did not correspond with each other. The intro was about the meaning of words and the person using the words, but the essay was more about racism. He should elaborate more on the Jackie Robinson story because it pertained the word used in the passage by Naylor. Other than that the examples were great just for a different essay.
Going over Raul’s essay it appears the topic was stated clearly, But however the wording needs improvement. Including the incident in California and referring to the media such as sports and movies, was very interesting because they somehow connected to the thesis with the occurrence of meaning in words. In addition to the statement made previously; there was an example given about Jackie Robinson, what could’ve been a critical example if was explained or expanded more. Overall his essay was useful in understanding what Gloria Naylor’s written work was trying to portray. Although racism became the main discussion at one point, it’s connected in a way to the original topic where a words meanings can often depend on who says it.
Raul’s essay was good I personally liked his examples even tho it didn’t really go with what he was trying to say in his essay, he can change a few words in his thesis or he can use different examples to go with his thesis. The example about Jackie Robeson was nice but he could’ve elaborated more on that but other than that it was a interesting essay to read.
from Munair: At the beginning of your essay you started out strong Coming into the 2nd line of your 1st paragraph Going into the 3rd that identity portion slightly threw me off, I think you could have used more profound words to match the complexity of your tone and how you introduced your outside information in a handful of different Scenarios to help connect with your point. The reference you made to the Jackie Robinson story was well put, But it could have been elaborated on a little more because I also watched it. Although you took what you think was most valuable, you could have added more, apart from that your essay was fine.