Category: U5 Revised Essays

Short explanation:

During my revision, I went over making sure I corrected any spelling and grammar as well as transition words. I also made sure I went back and used any examples that could amplify my work so it could be understood better and the reader had a sense of what I was trying to convey through my writing. With this my edited work has improved through perspective and better understanding.

 

NEW VERSION:

Portrait of a writer Unit 1

Writing to me has been a chore and always a “Ugh” moment, but I’ve changed a bit. A chore that ruined my mood as I stared at an empty page looking for inspiration. But throughout this class and the past couple months writing has grown on me, giving me a sense of expression. Still hard, but I actually try to write my thoughts in writing and it gives me a sense of completion and triumph  when I write something, it makes me feel very proud about it. Nevertheless, I still get writers block like any other person, but after that obstacle the pen never leaves the paper. I’m still shy about writing and showing people, as I’m not good at writing, even though I like to think I am like anyone else. I like the flow of good writers and the way is just all makes sense. Sentences don’t sound chunky or too long, Introductions and transitions are seamless. For me it feels like a set of bullet points, and is sounds like “Blah, Blah, Blah, dot”. And so on. That’s what I’m trying to fix but recently my ability to be able to know what I want to write about has been helping me with that problem. I don’t see myself thinking for 5 minutes after each sentence I write in fear that it all going to fall apart in any second. Instead I think of the topic and start writing whatever comes to my mind and edit it afterwards . This is helpful because I feel accomplished for actually writing and putting effort into something especially during the editing process gets easier and easier every writing session I have.

 

I also like poetry, and the way the simple poems rhyme and make me smile. I find myself always wanting to read more. My attempts at writing are about the people that matter to me or how I feel. Writing still is new to me though, I am more of a science and math type of person and yet now I find myself  in the moment when I start to slow down and don’t know what to say. This is why writing is frustrating in many cases, because it makes me feel dumb. “Really? You can’t write an essay about yourself?”. Those are the thoughts that run through my head when I’m writing, and then soon catastrophe of sloppiness and rushed words start to kick in. But not in this essay. In all honesty, Writing is a hobby that I try to practice in and always see myself falling out, but I am inspired by some of my literary sponsors I have. Some of them include my favorite teacher and My girlfriend, both of which very good at writing and have wonderful pieces of writing that I frankly read when I’m bored because they are so amazing to me. As a writer I would give myself a 6/10, I fallout and give up sometimes, but I still have the motivation to try over and over again. I like writing but it’s unfortunately not my forte.

 

English Final Revision

While writing my individual report for the first time I had written allot of what others wanted to hear and what they wanted to know about the situation of gender gap. When I had the opportunity to write it the second time and revise  my work I added my opinion and what I wanted to speak out and what I though about the situation therefore I fixed my analysis. My analysis was what others wanted to hear and it was constantly repetitive and same as the introduction , I’ve changed it by adding my side and what I though should be changed such as how we should value women for doing the same job as men  and how women should be valued no matter then gender or race . My analysis was revised to elaborate on my thinking of the problem and not only write what I believe others would want to hear I Took a risk and spoke out more of how I felt and though was right.

Revision: I tried to emphasize my points of how much more dangerous cheating is in boxing and trying to develop my evidence to tie back to my initial topic of cheaters within the history of boxing. I also added a conclusion to tie all of my claims and ideas together to solidify this individual report on cheaters in boxing.

Boxing Scandals

Many times throughout the history of boxing, many individuals have tried to reach the top of the ranking lists through cheat and deception, tainting the sport of boxing.

BIlly Collins Jr. v.s Luis Resto Controversy

Welterweights Luis Resto (20-8-2, eight KOs) and Billy Collins Jr. (14-0-0, 11 KOs) faced each other at Madison Square Garden on the undercard of the Roberto Duran-Davey Moore bout.  To pretty much everyone’s surprise, journeyman-fighter Resto won a 10-round unanimous decision.

Suspicions aroused by the devastating injuries his son suffered to his face in general and eyes in particular, trainer Billy Sr. found an opportunity to examine Resto’s gloves, noting their thinness.  The New York State Athletic Commission (NYSAC) confirmed the father’s suspicions, determining that someone had removed at least an ounce of padding from the gloves.

Thus, the Resto-Collins match was essentially a one-sided, bare-fisted beat down.

My Analysis: It was very sad reading something like this and witnessing a crime happening within a sport i cherish so much. Billy Collins was a rising prospect that despite fighting a basically bear-fisted man, he did not get knocked out at any point. It really puts into perspective how he could have become a legend for boxing. People like Luis Resto deserve to be in jail for their whole life because they are putting other fighter’s lives in danger.

Luis Resto vs. Billy Collins Jr. – The Sweet Science turned sour

 

Sugar Shane Mosley

Article: NEW YORK — “Sugar” Shane Mosley told a grand jury in 2003 that he injected himself with the doping agent EPO as he prepared for a fight against Oscar De La Hoya, according to court transcripts and doping calendars reviewed by the New York Daily News.

My reaction: It’s very sad when professionals openly admit to cheating and have no repercussions. In the boxing world, an athlete that admits to PED use only gets a 6 month ban and that is a very minor punishment for an athlete that is enhancing their body to give them an unfair advantage on a world stage and competition. I believe that they should have a far harsher punishment for these offences.

http://www.espn.com/sports/boxing/news/story?id=3740889

Conclusion:

I believe cheating will never truly be eliminated from sports as athletes will always give up their images in order to make more money and giving themselves unfair advantages which in turn puts the life of another man at risk. I hope that one day they will see the consequences that their actions can do, in order to one day prevent another case like Billy Collins Jr.

I revised this project by going back and trying to remove all the grammar and repetitive details that I was including.

 

Jawad Awada

Video Game Introduction

Some of the most common activities that people think cause violence amongst children is the music that kids listen to and the video games they play. The most interesting topic is video games, people tend to think that violent video games (games that contain a lot of killing, shootings and violent scenes) is a very big cause for why children become so violent. In my opinion I believe that saying video games makes kids violent is an excuse, and that the kid has been dealing with something far worse in his life and it has nothing to do with violent games. I believe kids go through worse experiences and are sometimes put in difficult situations that may affect them greatly and may turn them violent. Some of the most common causes are depression and family problems. A lot of teenagers deal with personal problems and many people might not notice that a teen might be depressed and going through a rough time so they automatically consider that his actions (mainly school shootings) are because of violent games without looking at the bigger picture. A lot of research has been done and the outcome always comes back showing that there is no link between teen aggression and violent video games.

 

A lot of research has been done to try to connect these two together but it’s really hard to to find a theory with evidence when it comes to behavior. According to Jessica Conditt, “There is no scientific, consensus-backed research supporting the idea that playing video games — even bloody, realistic shooters — leads to real-life acts of brutality.” I found that this article is very useful but specifically this quote got my attention because it can play a big role in trying to help people realize and understand that video games don’t cause violence. I picked this certain quote mainly because it says that no matter how bloody and violent the game might be it has never been scientifically proven that it can have an effect on real life violence. Another article that also helps show that there is no connection is an article from Forbes.According to this article from Forbes “In yet another study on the subject, it shows that there is no link between playing violent video games and aggression in adolescents.” This was published on February 15, 2019 so it’s relatively new. Many people disagree and have their own opinions regarding this topic and are always looking for some sort of proof that can help their claim, while this article is a little over 3 months old it still shows that there has not been any progress for trying to find a link between violent video games and aggression in teenagers. It’s hard to find a link between something that doesn’t exist (violent video games and aggression in teenagers) just because people assume that violent games can cause teens to turn violent because in there mind it makes sense even though there totally wrong. A lot of these sources have relatively similar conclusions stating that no evidence has been found to be able to connect them. According to The University Of Queensland (Australia) “Several new studies reinforce that video game violence does not cause real-world violence, adding to the already robust body of research that shows that there is simply no link between violence and game play.” This verifies that, for example school shootings which is a real-world violent action, can not be linked to these violent video games after all the research that has been done. Overall it’s looking more and more likely that there could possibly never be a connection between the two because of how difficult it is to try to prove something that can’t be proved. This is a behavior concept and extremely hard to be able to find a link. Even though there is no actual theories that have concrete evidence that can help support the fact that violent video games cause teen aggression, people are still going to say and assume that there’s a connection.        

 

(https://www.engadget.com/2018/03/07/video-game-violence-trump-meeting-esa-nra/)

 

(https://www.forbes.com/sites/olliebarder/2019/02/15/new-study-shows-that-there-is-no-link-between-violent-video-games-and-aggression-in-teenagers/#24cb29d7328e)

 

(http://www.theesa.com/article/new-research-underscores-video-games-not-lead-real-world-violence/)

Teen Aggression

 

  Teen aggression is a big problem that society is facing in today’s world. These aggression are leading to many violent acts by the teens and many people look at video games as the reason for their actions. However since there is no evidence of that being the problem many people are wondering why do teens become so angry and aggressive. According to the author of this article Cheryl Schafer “Physical and emotional changes occur at a rapid pace, and the need for acceptance gains importance in a teenager’s life.” “Learning to adapt to these changes can create anger and sometimes even aggression in some teenagers.” In other words, a teenager might be going through personal issues which leads to him becoming more aggressive and starts to have certain signs in his behavior that would end up leading towards violent acts.   

 

(https://www.livestrong.com/article/119628-anger-aggressive-behavior-teens/)

Positives About Video Games

  Even though many people tend to focus on the negative aspects when it comes to video games there are a lot of positive effects that comes with it. Playing video games can be a sense of escape for certain people by that I mean they can be able to get their mind off of certain situations and just be able to relax and enjoy something that they like to do. It also helps people capture and improve coordination. According to Sheila Eugenio “When an adult or child is playing a video game, he or she is not only staring at the computer inactively. The activities and actions on the screen provide a lot of mental stimulation. For one to play, he or she will need to coordinate their visual, audial and physical movement.” This quote helps show that coordination does improve with the use of video games. There are many more positive effects such as enhancing memory, improving concentration, improves the brain speed, and it helps enhance multitasking skills. Sheila Eugenio makes a good statement when it comes to improving brain speed “While gaming, the brain receives multiple simulations, both Visual and audial. According to research, individuals who play video games frequently can process these stimulators faster than others. These stimulators ensure that the brain is continuously working to interpret them.” From this one can infer that the positive effects can make a very big difference in trying to develop certain traits in certain people.

(https://www.engadget.com/2017/02/09/8-cognitive-benefits-of-playing-video-games-for-kids/)

 

    Conclusion

 

  We tend to lean heavily on proven scientific theories, which in this case proves that all claims made that say that video games cause violence are completely false claims. All research that has been done shows no connection at all between teen aggression and violent video games. Even though this is a topic that won’t go away it’s something that seems near impossible to prove. This is a very engaging topic, It’s hard to prove a point with no evidence so because of that I hope this can help people realize that there is no connection between the two and anyone who keeps looking for a link between these two should stop because all there doing is chasing a ghost. There are many positives effects that come with playing video games and those effects out way the negative ones.

 

 

My goals for college is to now find motivation to continue going through with it. Recently, getting by is not enough for me because I have started losing the motivation to even go to school in the first place. In order for me to “get through it with no complications and unnecessary things happening,” I need to find my own reasoning for going to school otherwise it is all a wasted effort. By this I mean that not having a personal concrete goal as to what I want in the future is holding me back from being able to get the motivation that I need. I had said before that I “ultimately just want to get out of school”; this will be a long journey without something to pull me towards the end, drifting through college may work for some people but it seems this approach will not get the job done with me.

The reason of choosing this topic is I want to be an entrepreneur and I feel that it gives an opportunity to invest my time to do something what I love to do. My assumptions about this was it’s an online based business which just require internet but it also requires  to build up a network of communication with customers.

Online businesses are getting popular day by day as it is easy to start an online business than start a business. It also gives opportunity to everyone to start it whenever and wherever they live. For example- most of the makeup companies are also based mostly online nowadays, as it is easy to purchase makeup online by following few steps. According to Forbes magazine, Kylie Jenner is the youngest billionaire of 2019. The reason behind her success mostly depends on online business which is based on makeup that featured her name. According to Kylie , she started to get more customers just to promote her business online like Snapchat, Instagram.In rural areas you can startup an online business and reach anyone around the world. Even in developing countries like Bangladesh, most of young women and housewives are involving in online business via Facebook and selling cosmetics,makeups,dresses and also involving in free lancing, web development and earning some extra money. Also women entrepreneurs  are getting recognized and starting selling their creative products either an art, home decor via online. For example-Etsy become very well recognized websites for selling and buying creative products .

The more I investigated about online business I find out it is a business based on building a network by using modern devices like laptop,mobile, iPad, desktops and also an easy way to earn money without working for long hours and less difficult circumstances.

The thing that surprised me is how online business is having huge impact on women entrepreneurs and young boy and girl and influencing them to involve in it. My opinion about the topic is same but I still have some questions like how to improve the communication with potential customers and how to improve business just to cope up with other business competitors. After learning about online business it has a very good impact on me that in future it will open up thousand more opportunities for our new generation.

The thing I did for revision is I check my spell mistake by autocorrect and also grammar mistakes by using an app Grammarly . And also I tried to be specific about my audience and put my report in a correct sequential order as I was advised to do so and also write my opinion and analysis.

work cited-

Revised project

BARRY BONDS SCANDAL

The Barry Bonds scandal has been a large story in the media for some time now. There are many reasons why I took this issue. One, I just wants to show how the government should sway their priorities from Barry to real issues that if not tended to can permanently alter our lives. I made a point to read about Barry Bonds and I want to see what others think about this. MLB needs to change its policies about steroids. Down in the reference page (1) is a website where it list the history of Barry Bonds from when he was born, to his hometown as well as his records in his baseball career. It provides his recognitions, awards received, honors and other appearances while still in MLB. Since his first draft, every statistic from batting, and other position is available to the end of his career. There is also statistics of what could make him the Hall of Fame from different reasons, but not having the award. Victor Conte (2) tells about the illegal drugs Barry Bonds took, how he feels responsible for all of the athletes who came under investigation as a result of the BALCO raid and offers his input on Bonds’ dramatic home run uptick and gaining significant weight in one offseason. The intended audience is everybody, directed to anyone who wants to know more about the problem of Barry Bonds.

In Barry Bonds’ biography (3), it begins to discuss Barry Bonds’ background story from where he was born to a brief summary of what he was known for. As it discusses his early career with baseball it leads to his fame. In his baseball career, he was breaking records from hitting to later in 2001 breaking the homerun records beating Mark McGwire when he reached 70 home runs. He first denies taking steroids, but began to capture attention after improving his home runs and hitting’s season after season. Investigations lead to search from Bonds’ trainer to his nutritionist. Although many lawsuits are amongst him, he still denies taking steroids and battles for his Hall of Fame.

This dispute of his suspected steroid use and how he has artificially broken Hank Aaron’s home run record has left the public in an uproar. It is true to say that steroids contributed greatly in Bonds’ successes.  First, Bonds performance as shown earlier on before 1998 was not the best and would only hit few records.  In addition to that, there is no evidence or prove that Bonds had not been using steroids since the MLB had not restricted it. MLB banned and tested for steroid usage starting from 2002. Secondly, it was after selecting Anderson as his supervisor that his prominence elevated. Bonds was also envious of other gurus like Sosa and McGwire who hit records through steroid usage which motivated him. That means, other baseball gurus concurrently used steroids to enhance their performance. Moreover, Bonds performance would be demurred as it appeared at his old age something that barely happened in other previous baseball players. In addition, much evidence on Bonds’ steroid usage were found after raiding Anderson’s’ home for instance calendars with the name ‘Barry’ and a note on payment of a blood.

In 2008, no team accepted a contract with Bonds meaning that his achievements were doubted and not clean.

Well, it is ashamed to heard about this, people like to use boosters to improve their self so they don’t need to force too much and succeed. It feel the same as selling drugs to get easy money or buying something instead of making it yourself, people look at this booster when they know that they are not performing well or because they get addictive to it. However, I think he deserved what he got and policies are policies.

WORK CITED

1. A “Barry Bonds Statistics and History”. Baseball References. N.d. baseball-references.com. Web
2. “Victor Conte: Barry Bonds’ drug use” Graham Bensinger 2017  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOYNUgQM7GA

3. “Barry Bonds Biography”. A&E Television Networks. N.d.
4. https://www.smh.com.au/sport/barry-bonds-admits-doing-drugs-but-thought-he-was-taking-flax-seed-oil-court-hears-20110323-1c5zb.html