Don’t get me wrong, I am no writer.
Writing is a huge part of my life. It has gotten me through many things in my life. When I could not turn to anyone, I found peace in writing out how I feel. I would go to a park or sit near the water or watch the sunset and let myself fully feel however it was that I was feeling at that point in my life. Then I would start writing each and every thought running through my mind. When I was by myself I did not have to worry about anyone asking if I am okay. I would not be telling anyone lies. I would not be questioned by anyone. It was just be my feelings and I. The way I wanted it to be.
The words would just slip onto the paper. My feelings would be pouring out on to this piece of paper and I could feel a huge weight being taken off of my chest as each word was written down. Writing down how I felt became much easier than having to explain why I feel how I feel. There was no one there to judge me. No one there to tell me I shouldn’t feel this way or anything else a person says to someone while venting. Being able to write down my feelings saved me from so many things. It is what has kept me sane throughout my life. I probably would have lost myself along the way if I was too busy trying to find a “shoulder to cry on.” I’m sure this sounds depressing but, it just is what it is.
This post would be incomplete without a backstory, so here it is.
Fortunately for me, I have gotten myself out of an abusive relationship. That is why I used to sit near the water or any place that would calm me down. All the thoughts that would rush in my head or the anxiety I would feel all over again would go away once I was near the water. This relationship caused me to drop out of college for a while. I needed to find myself again. I needed to find that reason to move forward and understand that what I went through is not okay but I will be okay. This person made it so I did not have anyone to turn to. I cut off my friends which was my mistake entirely. It was that typical first love, I gave you my all type of thing. I wasn’t mature. I did not think my decisions through. I didn’t question anything too much. I was always upset and angry. I didn’t want to leave my house as much anymore. I did not want to speak to anyone. I almost quit my job. I already dropped out. What more could I have done to damage myself even further?
I lost myself in that relationship. I had zero confidence in myself. I was so self-conscious. I didn’t think anything of myself. I didn’t think I was worthy of any good that would have came my way. So I stayed around the bad for way too long and hurt myself. Four years of my life went down the drain. Honestly, I don’t even remember too much about it anymore either. But I am thankful that I went through whatever I did because I am much stronger than I once was. I don’t let others influence my decisions anymore. I have my guard up all the time which is good and bad but I can’t help it now. I am also now engaged and happier than I have ever been in my life. I am back in school. I am no longer hurt by what has happened. I know that I won’t get closure and stopped seeking for it awhile ago. I have made my peace with my past.
Writing is what got me through it all. When I couldn’t make sense of my thoughts, writing it down helped. When there was no one else to speak to, I wrote it down. Writing became and still is my therapy.
This is an incredibly moving post about the role of writing in your life, beautifully written and emotionally powerful. Thank you for sharing with us.