Don’t get me wrong, I am no writer.
Writing is a huge part of my life. It has gotten me through many things in my life. When I could not turn to anyone, I found peace in writing out how I feel. I would go to a park or sit near the water or watch the sunset and let myself fully feel however it was that I was feeling at that point in my life. Then I would start writing each and every thought running through my mind. When I was by myself I did not have to worry about anyone asking if I am okay. I would not be telling anyone lies. I would not be questioned by anyone. It was just be my feelings and I. The way I wanted it to be.
The words would just slip onto the paper. My feelings would be pouring out on to this piece of paper and I could feel a huge weight being taken off of my chest as each word was written down. Writing down how I felt became much easier than having to explain why I feel how I feel. There was no one there to judge me. No one there to tell me I shouldn’t feel this way or anything else a person says to someone while venting. Being able to write down my feelings saved me from so many things. It is what has kept me sane throughout my life. I probably would have lost myself along the way if I was too busy trying to find a “shoulder to cry on.” I’m sure this sounds depressing but, it just is what it is.
This post would be incomplete without a backstory, so here it is.
Fortunately for me, I have gotten myself out of an abusive relationship. That is why I used to sit near the water or any place that would calm me down. All the thoughts that would rush in my head or the anxiety I would feel all over again would go away once I was near the water. This relationship caused me to drop out of college for a while. I needed to find myself again. I needed to find that reason to move forward and understand that what I went through is not okay but I will be okay. This person made it so I did not have anyone to turn to. I cut off my friends which was my mistake entirely. It was that typical first love, I gave you my all type of thing. I wasn’t mature. I did not think my decisions through. I didn’t question anything too much. I was always upset and angry. I didn’t want to leave my house as much anymore. I did not want to speak to anyone. I almost quit my job. I already dropped out. What more could I have done to damage myself even further?
I lost myself in that relationship. I had zero confidence in myself. I was so self-conscious. I didn’t think anything of myself. I didn’t think I was worthy of any good that would have came my way. So I stayed around the bad for way too long and hurt myself. Four years of my life went down the drain. Honestly, I don’t even remember too much about it anymore either. But I am thankful that I went through whatever I did because I am much stronger than I once was. I don’t let others influence my decisions anymore. I have my guard up all the time which is good and bad but I can’t help it now. I am also now engaged and happier than I have ever been in my life. I am back in school. I am no longer hurt by what has happened. I know that I won’t get closure and stopped seeking for it awhile ago. I have made my peace with my past.
Writing is what got me through it all. When I couldn’t make sense of my thoughts, writing it down helped. When there was no one else to speak to, I wrote it down. Writing became and still is my therapy.