“I was falling into whiteness. A terrible silence surrounded me. I wanted to mark the page, but I couldn’t think of a thing to say, or who I was, or even how to spell my name, now that my stories were gone” (164).
When Lauren mentions “falling into whiteness” (164), she is saying that she’s becoming nothing. She no longer has any lies to write down in her notebook and in turn no more stories. She knows she’s a writer; a writer with no stories is nothing. By trying to make herself better and trying to stop lying, she loses who she really is. She may have a habit of lying, but her lies are her stories, and her stories are what make her up.
While Lauren is having a sexual relationship with Christopher Marin, she starts to plagiarize. She does this because she feels that she is not good enough for him and she needs to do anything to “keep him impressed” (152). She wants Christopher to focus on her and not have “a life kept separate” from her (152).
While trying to keep an impossible relationship with Christopher, Lauren loses herself. She is “spiritually bankrupt, a liar, a thief, a plagiarist” (157). She was once again “falling into whiteness” when she started to plagiarize and it is because of this that she has a “real seizure” (157).