13 thoughts on “Feedback for Symone”

  1. The points you made were really accurate and organized.I think you could include your personal experience with social media, do you feel as if you are addicted and how has social media affected you life.Another source you could include is one of the articles we looked at in class.

  2. Symone, I really enjoyed reading your paper, you talked about a topic like you said in your thesis statement really affects our mental health which is social media. I have so many things to say about social media, which is why your paper captivated me and made me want to read more. Going back to your thesis statement though, it seems as if you don’t really agree on anything, your just in the grey area. you claimed, ” it doesn’t seem to be a problem and typically it’s not, until it starts to affect our mental health” this thesis statement of yours kind of threw me off and I beg to differ honestly. If social media is not a problem and it’s typically not then, it shouldn’t affect our mental health in the first place. It does though because social media is really toxic and it needs to change. I suggest you look over your thesis statement. I don’t know if that’s where you were trying to get at or it could be a fault at my part, where I  misunderstood/misinterpreted what you were trying to say. Either way, you have a good paper, it’s just that threw me off.  Check for grammatical errors and properly cite your sources. good job!

  3. Symone your paper was very well put together and your topic and thesis was very much interesting. I love when writers sort of take the least popular side to write about. I wish you were much stronger on your thesis to make the essay much richer. I love the way it was structured but throughout your essay you should definitely try to strenghtnen your thesis more. Overall great work.

  4. Symone, I like your topic because many people can relate to it. it makes the reader question if social media does really affect our mental health or doesn’t, because we don’t often see it but our action shows it. You mentioned in paragraph two how social media can make you meet someone who has the same similar situation as you, I think you should provide an example of a story showing how social media has helped someone. I think One of Sherry Terkel Ted talks would fit in your essay.

  5. Symone I like how you decided to use questions in your intro because it gets the reader thinking, in your second paragraph I think you should’ve started off by explaining a little bit more instead of getting to the article right away. I really enjoyed your essay because in my opinion what you said was true, and I like how you included your own personal opinion in it

  6. I love your claim it’s so forward and strong. I believe that you should probably add more evidence and connect to a personal experience

  7. I liked your topic because it is something that we can all relate to.  I also write about the same topic and you added ideas that I didn’t think of.  So that was interesting.  Something you can do to improve your essay is try to prove your point more because it kind of made it seem like your point was that social media caused mental illness

  8. Symone, I like the fact that you chose to write about social media, specially in this day in age where everything we do is with technology. I also agree with the fact that peoples first instinct is to check their social media. now a days everyones lives revolves around the internet which is not exactly good. Also, I found that your essay format is really good and grammar as well.

  9. Hey Symone I like your essay and the topic but I think your thesis can be a little bit more clear. Additionally  I think your first body paragraph can be fleshed out a bit more. Maybe introduce the audience to the point you’re about to argue and then go on to your evidence. A direct quote, while not necessary, can strengthen your evidence a lot more. Write more on the connections between social media and mental health issues. Also about your second body paragraph, where is your source? You bring out statistics to the reader, but we do not know the legitimacy of it. You make a good point in your third body paragraph thought but I think it’s lacking information. Do you have any experiences with meeting online friends? Maybe you can include it. Best of luck!

  10. Symone, I think you mention social media and mental health issues in your essay. I will say give more information on how social media make a negative effect on health. Also,  write a paragraph form your own point of view “Does social media do affect you as a student and what message you want to give the reader to avoid the distraction of social media”? Besides that, your essay was written very well. Overall I will say, good job. 

  11. Symone your topic was one of a kind. I like the point you choose. You had a great and strong details to back up your point. Speaking of details you used that were strong, the 5th paragraph contain a strong detail. I think if you also added how people claim social media is breaking down children and causing them to put down books and pick phones instead of being the opposite way, to the counter argument and argued against it, it would make some type of difference.

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