14 thoughts on “Feedback for Lesly”

  1. I have come to understand your point of view,(I took the opposite side on this topic),but I really like your essay and the points you gave.Somethings you could include is how you feel when you play video games ,do you get frustrated or not and how it makes you feel after.Also if you play with friends.Another thing you could add is a connection to one of the articles we read in class

  2. Lesly, you have a really solid paper. everything was structured nicely and you did a good job at presenting your evidence to back up your thesis argument. I especially liked your title because, it wasn’t typical but rather interesting. I really liked how you went in depth in really defining what violence over video games is and giving out the certain aspects it may contain and how that influences others to be violent when it comes to video games. I don’t have much else to say besides, check for grammatical errors and properly cite your sources. Great Job!

  3. I enjoyed your writing because you provide the reader with many definitions of what violence is. you did a good job keeping the reader interested when you ask a question, I like the way you used  statistics to back up your topic,  I hope you add more personal view.

  4. Lesly, your introduction was one of the best introductions I have ever seen. I loved the way you were engaging us readers right away from the jump. This is very critical in writing so that audiences dont interpret writing as being boring. Your introduction was amazing, also I loved how you gave us readers the definition of violence and the different kinds of violence. That was very clever for you to do so, as for the rest of your essay minor grammatical errors but very well structured.

  5. Lesly you did a good job introducing the entire topic in the intro, you did it very clearly. I would only say watch out for a few grammar mistakes other than that you did a very good job with the evidence and the choice of vocabulary you chose for the essay. I think you just need to add your personal opinion on this topic

  6. I liked the fact that you actually touched the topics that you did in such smart way. The way you developed the topics and your ideas answering those questions is just great. I feel like the questions at the beginning were a big plus to the overall quality of your essay . If I have to recommend something to improve it, I would suggest to create a bigger counter claim that help creating this contrast of strong opinions that is what I think would make your claim even stronger and better for the reader who will now understand you even better.

  7. I liked the fact that you actually touched the topics that you did in such smart way. The way you developed the topics and your ideas answering those questions is just great. I feel like the questions at the beginning were a big plus to the overall quality of your essay . If I have to recommend something to improve it, I would suggest to create a bigger counter claim that help creating this contrast of strong opinions that is what I think would make your claim even stronger and better for the reader who will now understand you even better.

  8. I like the point you made for this essay and well structured your essay was.  Something you can do to better you essay is check for grammatical errors.  Other than that your essay was good. Your essay was really interesting and  grabbed my attention.   Good job.

  9. Lesly, your essay suprised me when you agree with the fact that video games can contribute to how violent someone can be. Also, I like that you talk about sexism, genders, and racism. I don’t disagree when you say that video games don’t exactly have the best content but I also believe that the content in these video games isn’t enough to contribute to someone being violent. All in all your essay was very enjoyable and controversial.

  10. Your essay was fun to read because I wrote my essay on the same topic, but just on the different side of the argument. I think it’d be a good idea to add a counterclaim to rebut it. Make sure to check for any grammatical errors like missing commas. For example in paragraph 5 when you were listing different games you forgot to add commas. Also I noticed weird capitalizations like some things that should be capitalized, aren’t, and vice versa. It’s not bad though. Regardless they’re just typos and don’t forget to fix your works cited page to look more professional!

  11. I really like that you were asking the question in the paragraph. I think it important and it will keep the writer to keep track of what they are saying. If I say something to fix I will say there is few gummer mistake jest fix them. Overall great essay.

  12. Lesly this was an outstanding essay. Great introduction with background information, The thesis statement was clear and you followed it up with great paragraphs.

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