14 thoughts on “Feedback for Kazi”

  1. Kazzi
    Everything you said is to be true and well written you have a firm writing here but I’s only missing one thing and it is that you have nothing to support it. The only thing missing from your essay is that a few pieces of evidence that demonstrate that yes, as a matter of fact you are right, because I believe you are and you most show it when writing. Other than that you are great.

  2. I like the idea you had, but you need evidence to prove your point, my suggestion is provide evidence and example regarding gun violence you could mention a personal story like a news you saw or about the NRA. In my opinion the government does not seem to be concern about gun violence like citizen are. these Politician are becoming  more greedy because selling weapon make Profit.

  3. Kazzi, I like the topic you you did for your essay. In your essay you missing some of the thing which is really important to prove you thesis. You need evidence that can prove your point. Other then that good work.

  4. Kazi, your claim for your topic was clear, however, you need to support your points, examples, maybe a personal story. A thesis is very important in a essay and how you present it in your essay can tell many things. You just need to support your point, you had really good ideas though. Other than that great job!

  5. Kazi, I personally see where your coming from with this argumentative essay of yours but, it is just way to carefree. There’s nothing wrong with being a little too carefree with your essay here and there but, you have to do it with maturity if that makes sense. It seems as though you didn’t follow the guidelines on how to properly present your essay. You didn’t intend your paragraphs, you only double spaced your heading and most importantly, there were no sources cited nevertheless used in your essay to support your argument on gun violence. I am only pointing these things out to help you structure your essay better and make it presentable. Do the things I suggested and you’ll do just fine!

  6. Like we mentioned in class, the introduction can be improved. However I like the first sentence of your introduction, because it is pretty hooking. But as far as a definition, there is a better one. So in my opinion keep the first sentence, but add a better definition. Also the thesis statement wasn’t clear to me. Maybe you can add your stance very clearly, and follow it with your main arguments. Maybe you can add another paragraph as well to strengthen your essay. This can be a counterclaim paragraph that your essay is missing. Also regarding your final body paragraph you should include a specific situation were gun violence changed someone’s life. This can really touch the reader and strengthen that paragraph more.

  7. Kazi, your essay has very good potential but in my opinion I feel like you should have added a counterclaim. Also, maybe try not to make the information sound too repetitive.

     

  8. Kazi I see what your argument is for sure where you were coming from as far as it came to gun violence. I feel like the argument presented was a great topic to write about, I just feel like adding more details to your argument and the counter argument would’ve made the essay stronger. I think more detail added wouldve been great and more evidence added would’ve been great as well.

  9. Your point is clear, that guns can lead to violence and many incidents. You need to look out for punctuations you have too many periods causing your sentences to be short, you should add comas or simply just make the sentences longer. We had a clear idea of your opinion towards weapons but there was no evidence to back it up which is something you shouldve included. Other than that you were saying the truth

  10. It was clear that your essay was well researched, how ever you did not make yourself clear, your statements seemed repetitive and your thesis was not made clear until the middle of the essay

  11. In  the first paragraph where you said “Gun related violence is violence committed with the use of a gun.” I feel like this could be stated a little better by including the definition of the kind of violence you’re talking about or just rephrasing it differently so the words violence aren’t back to back,i just think that would look better in my opinion.In the same paragraph

  12. (Continued From previous Reply)

    In the same paragraph I think you include just a bit more of what you will be talking about in your essay.Such as trumps opinions on firearms.

    If you’re able to include more sources for information about your topic that would be helpful and also a article we read in class.

  13. You had a good topic but something you could’ve done to improve your essay was add evidence and support your claim. You should’ve had more information so that you won’t repeat your self as much ass you did.  Adding more details and evidence would’ve help your essay a lot.

  14. Kazi this was an amazing essay. You had a great and strong thesis statement. Your essay was properly organized and I would of been great if you added more citations to support your claim.

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