15 thoughts on “Feedback for Chanchan”

  1. Chanchan, your essay was wonderfully written but, there some things you could’ve done better. the guildlines to an essay are really important as it helps us properly write our essay so I think following it properly in your next draft would be great. I also suggest you add a title because a witty or clever title always intrigues the readers. Also double space and conclude your argumentative essay more better. Overall I really liked reading your essay, Your citations were great and you did great backing up your argument on  “The American Dream”. Check for grammatical errors. Good Job!

  2. Your introduction was good; the hook was attention grabbing, then you proceeded to mention some American values, and finally your thesis was clear. Continuing to your body paragraphs, you had a lot of information in there, maybe even too much at some points, but I like your sources. I don’t really see book sources often but you did it, and well at that. Also it was really neat how you tied your body paragraphs together instead of just jumping from one point to another. Regarding your grammar I couldn’t find too much errors, but I found a confusing line in your conclusion. It reads, “Is the America dream Possible? You ask, to me, the real sign of achieving the American dream is when people can say they’re financially secure, sadly not many people reach this goal.” I’m sure that it was just a typo but the p in possible is capitalized. Also you wrote America Dream instead of American Dream. And finally the sentence, “You ask, to me, the real sign of achieving…” is confusing, and can probably be replaced with, “If you ask me, the real sign of achieving…” Outside the essay was well put together!

  3. Chanchan, I enjoyed your essay it was really informative and in my opinion well put together. I also appreciate how you used James Truslow’s ” The epic of American ” as a point of reference to support your claim.

  4. Chan Chan your essay made a lot of sense and it seems like you put in a lot of effort because of all the detail and examples added to your essay. I like the way your essay was formatted and I liked that you had lots of detail. My advice is that you should definitely limit the outside sources and fix very few grammatical errors

  5. ChanChan your essay had strong evidence for “the American dream” you should add your own opinion as to what you think of the American dream. You used too many commas at first making too many pauses in your essay. I liked the question in the last paragraph, you dont have too many grammar mistakes. Add a counterclaim, and you should include what hasnt changed about the American dream

  6. It was clear that your essay was well researched, how ever you did not make yourself clear, your statements seemed repetitive and your thesis was not made clear until the middle of the essay

  7. I meant to to post ” you had a really good grasp on the topic for your essay , there were a few grammatical errors but not a lot, your citation were placed and it all flowed really smoothly”

  8. Your essay flowed really nicely the transitions were done very well.You could possibly include your personal experience,that would be the only thing I would recommend ,other than that I don’t really see anything else.You’re sources were well done.I didnt see a article that we read in class though ,so im not sure if you included one.

  9. Interesting choice for the topic.No one really seems to pay attention on USA being the land of opportunity these days. You added some really good examples and the question on the last paragraph was good. You should have shared your experience about the American dream rather than than using so many outside sources.

  10. I honestly don’t know what to say this is really great, I agree with the idea of the American dream being economic stable I think that its a fact of our modern lives that many won’t consider true. If I have make a recommend something that might improve this essay it would be to just talk a little bit more about the people not believing that the american dream has changed throughout the years.

  11. Your essay was well structured and you used good evidence.  You grabbed the readers attention. And used good grammar.  You used a lot of outside information. Something that you could’ve done to improve your essay is add a personal story it will make the story more interesting. Good job

  12. Chanchan I feel like you did really good job on the essay also I think you did a really good recharge about the topic.  But something I think you forget to write about is your personal opinion. This is a big topic and your opinion should matter a lot in this essay. So I will say, write one paragraph about what you think about “the American dream” should be.

  13. Overall Great essay Chan Chan. You had a very Clear point, had great details and supported you essay great citation. The thing I’ll say is to conclude your essay better.

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