14 thoughts on “Feedback for Roy”

  1. I enjoyed your writing because you listed many reason video game is not to blame when school shooting happen, instead it’s the media fault. It is true video games benefit the economy so does selling and buying weapons maybe mentioning this somewhere in the essay. In class, you mention you played a video game I think telling a personal story would intrigue the reader more. overall  good work

  2. Roy, I really enjoyed your essay and I agree with you when you say that video games don’t make the actual gamer violent. I also appreciate the fact that you supported your claim by comparing Germany and the U.S. Your essay was very well put together, I personally cannot find anything wrong with it.

  3. This is great, while reading it I realized that you do know what you are saying, I like this essay makes some firm points and if there is anything that can be improved it would only be to add more examples on how media always finds something to put the blame on.

  4. I loved your essay it sounded like in your essay that you are a gamer as well. This essay was so well put together because as a gamer you have more incite on the way people that play video games act. I feel like you completely shot down the idea that video games make people violent which is a point I agree with, I just think your counterclaim being stronger would’ve made your essay spot on. Great essay.

  5. Roy, I liked how right of the bat, you made clear of what you were talking about which in this case is, Video games. If I didn’t read your intro paragraph tho, I wouldn’t have known what you were going to talk about. I’m saying this because of your title, I suggest you come up with something witty or clever. Aside from this, you did a very good job at introducing your evidence and backing that up your thesis claim. Check for grammatical errors. Good Job!

  6. Roy, i like your essay was being told.  Also I like the fact you talk about, video game doesn’t make the people violent. If something need to fix I will say give some example how media played a important rule in our society.  Other then that good job. 



  7. roy, i liked your essay i think you had a great opening paragraph where you made your statement clear so that the readers know exactly whats happening and what were going to read about great job with that. i think you should re read for gramma. buh hey….everyone has that problem

  8. Roy, I liked how you used multiple points to support your argument, you did not stick with one point throughout the essay which is really great. Only minor criticism I can tell you is to go over your grammar mistakes but overall great essay!

  9. I’m writing on the same topic so it was nice to see your ideas. But something I never thought about was the money that video games generate, nice thinking. Also it was a great idea to compare the US to Germany, because according to your essay they have the highest play rate. That argument was really strong, but what you’re missing is a counterclaim. If you add a counterclaim and rebuttal it, your essay will be even stronger.

  10. Your essay spoke about a topic that is starting to trend. I agree with your statement. Games are not to be blame they just a sort of entertainment.

  11. Good job by mentioning a authors point of view on whether video game cause violence or not.Liked how you compared USA and Germany over school shootings. It was a really well developed essay and strong conclusion.

  12. Roy, I liked how you asked the question to set the argument statement. Double space your essay. Your essay is very informative give us more about your own personal feedback, experience, or opinion. Your commas, periods are placed where they should be and they make your essay flow smoothly, the sentences arent too long nor too short. Overall great essay

  13. I liked your writing because you made a personal connect to it.  I like how you compared us to Germany and they have a higher rate in playing games yet there’s more crimes in us.  So that proves your point that video games don’t cause violent people.  Good job I enjoyed reading your essay.

  14. Roy great introduction with an amazing argument. The thing that you are missing is your thesis statement. You had an amazing connections with other articles and also amazing citations.

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