15 thoughts on “Feedback for Danny”

  1. I love the used of Rhetorical question in your essay, is so true parents and politicians like to blame video game because is the easiest excuse they will use, in my opinion, parents are also to blame if you think violent media is to blame for children having aggressive behavior then isn’t the parent fault too, the parents buy the TV, and cable company knowing their  kid will see violent shows. I would suggest a personal story of the game you played it would fit in the essay.

  2. Danicel, I like how your essay is written very professionally. Also, you cited your work very nicely and had very few grammar mistakes. Moreover, I really liked that you brought up jimmy Kimmel because he is well known and there’s a chance that the reader will recognize him.

  3. I totally agree, you are consistent with your writing and every single paragraph can be used as the base for a whole different essay. It is well structured and if there is anything that could possibly improve this writing it would be to add more details on each paragraph so it becomes in something more dense.

  4. I think you’ve done a phenomenal job in engaging us readers in your essay by asking us questions within your text. I think as a reader it’s great to ask us questions because it keeps us engaged and focused on your writing. Another thing you did well was your formatting of your essay, I think your paragraphs were formulated very well and it really kept us readers interested and it prevented us from zoning out. There were just portions of your essay where the grammar conflicted a little with your point, the grammatical error confused us readers just a bit in your point. Great essay though

  5. Danny your essay on video games was interesting. First and Foremost, I’d like to say that your title was captivating because, you didn’t just write, “Video game violence” but, you added something else to it. Anyways, the way you provided supporting details to back up your claim was great however, the structuring of your essay is what threw me off. I liked how you began your argumentative essay by asking questions and giving the the readers a brief background information on the subject but, the rest is just structured poorly. Make sure, you clearly point out your thesis statement at the end of your intro paragraph and basically just structure your body paragraphs and conclusions a little bit more better. Also, don’t forget to cite your sources as well. Anyways, work on the things I mentioned and advised you to fix and you should be good!

  6. I like the way you started your essay by asking the reader question. It a great hook to get reader attention. If you need something to well dun in your easy, it will be need more details in the body paragraph. Also you have some of the grammar mistake and that need to be fixed. Other then that great work.



  7. great start to the essay you really have a way in pulling the readers attention overall i think you did very well. some growth aspects would be to cite sources, gramma, and structure of your writing

  8. Danny, I like how you captivated your reader’s attention in the beginning of your essay. Your essay was very detailed and clear. You knew exactly how to bring our attention by mentioning Jimmy Kimmel, a public figure loved by almost everyone. Overall, great essay!

  9. We wrote about the same topic so it’s always nice to compare and stuff. If you want you can check out mine for whatever benefits that may bring. Anyway your thesis should include your main arguments to make it stronger, rather than just stating what your essay will be about. Your first body paragraph is a really solid rebuttal. As far as your second body paragraph I think it’s kind of underwhelming especially in comparison to your first body paragraph. But the thing is you bring up a really good point, so you can maybe just add some more information in there and overall just get more in depth with it. Finally I felt like it was kind of short and maybe the second body paragraph contributed to that, but I think having three body paragraphs will make for a much better essay.

  10. I liked how you mentioned Jimmy KImmels  experiment on children’s to see if they act violently if their parents turned the TV off when they were playing video game. That’s a really  unique way to have an example about the topic. I also like when u addressed how older adults have been blaming radio, comic books, Tv even before video games.

  11. I totally agree with your claims as to how video games may cause aggression but not complete acts of violence.You also did a great jobing purposing a question to the reader and then answering it with your own opinion that was really good. 2 things that you need to add in is a comparison with a article we read in class and a personal experience if you are a gamer.Other than that it was really good.

  12. Danny, in the the first sentences try making them longer and remove the commas. I liked how you asked a question in the middle of the paragraph and answered it right away. You used many information from outside sources to back up your argument. You have very few grammar mistakes, but you have a very informative essay just work on making the sentences longer removing periods, and adding commas or just expanding the sentence. Add your opinion whether you think that video games make children aggressive.

  13. I really liked your essay and how much it grabs the reader attention by putting question so the reader can answer.   You essay was well structured and you used great grammar. I like how you used information that the reader will find interesting and can connect to.  Good job on your essay.

  14. Great essay Danicel. You made great point supported them and even went as far as being unique and putting questions into your essay. I’ll just recommend that you elaborate on the counter claim.

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