14 thoughts on “Feedback for Amenah (E2)”

  1. I agree video game does not make someone violent when columbine happen they blame heavy metal music and  Marilyn Manson.   maybe you should add something relating to the environment because I think the environment a  child grows up is more violent than a video game. I disagree that Fortnite is violent I think call of duty is more of it.

  2. Amenah, it was quite interesting to read your argumentative essay on video games. You provided us with great supporting details that backed up your thesis statement very well and overall, I think your essay is structured nicely. However, I highly suggest you include your thesis statement in your intro body paragraph instead of the first body paragraph because, it only makes sense if the readers get an idea of what the rest of your essay going to be talking about. Revise your essay once or twice more and you’ll be good.

  3. Throughout your essay the points you made about video games were very strong, If you were to add a counterclaim/rebuttal towards your point and refute it, it possibly can make your point even stronger. Also try to connect your claim to one of the articles we were given for class, great job.

  4. Good job on the essay but you need a counterclaim. But I like how you used relevant examples like the Ohio situation or the video game Fortnite. Good essay just missing that one thing!

  5. Amenah, you essay had smooth transitions and in ways caught my attention but as some of my peers have mentioned you don’t have a counter claim which is a crucial part of the essay. also, I love the way that your ideas are organized throughou the essay, making it easy to understand your point of view.

  6. Your essay was good you should’ve added a counterclaim to make your essay flow better and have a better structure, overall I like that you wrote about how video games does not make someone violent that part was well pointed out in your essay

  7. In your essay you are supporting video game does not make people violent. Which was really clear form your point of view. In your essay you are missing on thing, which is the counter claim. Other then that good job.

  8. I really liked your essay. It made me change the way I think about video games.  Before reading your essay I believed that the reason why kids act the way they do is be I they are always staring at a screen playing “violent” video games.  Something that I believe would’ve made your essay better was adding a counterclaim.  I believe it would’ve grab the readers attention a little more.

  9. I agree with u that games doesn’t make people violent unless people choose to let video games have control over them.People should play video games to refresh their mind and as a fun time rather than making it a hobby.That was a really good topic to talk about.

  10. I liked you essay it was very interesting to read how you view this topic.I agree with u that games doesn’t make people violent unless people choose to let video games control them. Maybe think a little bit more about your counter claim and elaborate.

  11. I definitely agree with you on the fact that video games does not make people violent. I appreciate you writing about this because a gamer like myself doesn’t appreciate all the claims about how video games could be so damaging. I loved that you had lots of supporting details in your essay to support your claim. I think if you added a bit of a counterclaim for others to see the other point of view on video games would’ve made your essay better. Also you had just minor grammatical errors but great work overall.

  12. I agree that video games don’t make people violent, and way you worded it shows that you really want in depth with your research and gain a real understand of the topic

  13. The inclusion of how the teacher talks about the kids in her class and how they just talk about their gaming experience and do not exhibit any negative behavior really helps the point you are trying to get across.I agree with the points you made and this was a very good essay.Your sources are clearly portrayed. As i said for everyone who chose this topic though is if you are a gamer yourself you should include a personal experience and a connection to a article we read in class.

  14. Amenah this was an outstanding essay, I enjoyed reading it. Besides incorporating transitional, you started and finished the essay in a great way.

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