14 thoughts on “Feedback for Olayemi”

  1.  

     I enjoyed your writing because it taught me if you want something in life never give up until you achieve what you’re looking for. Consider changing was such a person to  (My father was one )  +my father had me) there are some grammatical mistakes.

  2. Olayemi, your essay was very touching. It was nice seeing you praise your father for what he has done for you and your family. You got a great message across and a great lesson learned. I suggest you structure your essay a little differently, because I think by doing that, it would make a big difference and huge impact on your essay. Also, check for typos and grammatical errors.

  3. I understand what you were trying to say and having a father to look up to is a very good thing,not many people ever get to see their dads often so that this was very heart warming to read.Try to avoid run-on sentences within the third paragraph.Rephrase the sentences that include the words ‘open doors…’ to make the paragraph flow a bit better (this is also to avoid repetition).

  4. Olayemi, I think that your essay was great but I feel like you could have organized it better. Also try to watch out for grammar mistakes other than that your essay was great.

  5. Olayemi, I think that your essay was great but I feel like you could have organized it better. Also try to watch out for grammar mistakes other than that your essay was great.

  6. I enjoy your essay. I think your have to check the grammar mistake as well as punctuation marks. Some places you used comma again and again so the sentence became longer. You have to brake the sentence by using full stop.  Other then that it was a great essay.

  7. alot of us can share the experience of having one parent to look up to and i really love your point of view but i want to hear more about your point of view. other than great essay and check some grammatical errors

  8. I truly liked it and I can see and understand how you looked up to your father and how that shaped you into the person you are. But the only thing that I think was missing was you. I just thought that it would have been better if you go a little deeper on your person here, I believe that you telling us more about your self would make this writing of yours way better.

  9. Olayemi, I loved how real and touching your essay was and how you described your father being your role model. Overall, it was a great essay but just needs revision for grammar mistakes and run-on sentences.

  10. I loved this essay you kind of remind me of myself. I love thy you look up to your father and you appreciate all the great things he does for you. Just grammar could’ve been better but great message

  11. i enjoyed your story very much. i like how your father is a role model as to following your ambitions in order to succeed. Although you had very few grammar mistakes in the first page you should find a way to make your sentences longer. Try using the word opportunity less, look for synonyms. Other than that i liked how your father was the one who helped you realize this and how you end it off saying your parents did their part now its your turn

  12. This essay is great and it’s even better because it’s so unique how you “learned your lesson.” It’s not that you went through something traumatic and you learned that way, no. You learned through your father’s life. I liked the essay and the way it answered the task!

  13. bro thanks for sharing this with us i can see it how you look up to your father how you have that mindset in your head to succeed great job

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