Feedback for Danicel Delossantos (including Monroe’s feedback)

Monroe’s feedback:

Danny (is that how you spell it?),

This is an interesting narrative that presents your own subjective experience of the drugs, surgery and other phenomena related to your knee injury.  What’s missing is a bit more detail on the events outside of your mind that actually happened.  What’s going on in your mind is VERY interesting, and I’m glad it’s in your current draft.  But we need also to show the reader what happened to you in the “outside world” so that they can have an even clearer sense of how your “interior world” was responding to this experience.  With that in mind, I’ve made several notes above about where you could expand on the details relating to certain important events in your story.

Thanks,

Monroe

13 thoughts on “Feedback for Danicel Delossantos (including Monroe’s feedback)”

  1. Danicel, I loved your essay because it was so raw and surreal, mixed with a bunch of different feelings. I loved your description in your introduction and how honest you were. I would not change a thing, that is your story you tell it how you want it.

  2. This essay was very interesting from the very start.Strong use of vocabulary and abstract imagery.I would say for the introduction you should keep it short and sweet and not so much vague, such as having the readers know what your essay will be about and what kind of impact you want your educational experience to have on the reader.

  3. The level of language you used for your story was exceptional. I caught a lot of figurative and metaphoric sentences here and there. Proof read your work and check for grammatical errors. Good Job!

  4. The figurative language you used in this was absolutely outstanding. I especially notice the metaphors you were using. Very few grammatical errors and thanks for just not sugar coating and being honest.

  5. I liked your essay and your strong use of vocabulary.   I wouldn’t change anything about it good job danicel

  6. You expressed yourself really well, and your introduction was very hooking to the reader. But I feel like the essay ended abruptly and the conclusion just doesn’t have the same tone as the rest of the story.

  7. I love how you express yourself and how you connect to the most subtle things. your chosen words made me see the way you think and put me in your shoes throughout your essay. great essay but some grammar check.

  8. Your use of vocabulary in your essay was great i enjoyed your stories and how you had many transitions throughout the essay, i liked the story you chose to share. Enjoyable!

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