Laisha De Jesus
It wasn’t always like this
I’m in my bed everything’s dark and a wave of thoughts hits me. All these thoughts are whispering to me saying you will never be anything in this world your ugly and an idiot. They keeping on repeating over and over again to soon bring back terrible memories that I just want to forget. I kept on going back and forth with myself it felt like I was at war. Each bad thought was a bomb that would blow up in head. Silently crying with every blow. Falling asleep a few hours before my alarm to go school. I would hardly get any sleep at night because of all the things my bullies would tell me would flow through my head. Everyday I would wake up, I would putting on a mask to hide to hide myself from the world.
It wasn’t always like this. I was usually a happy optimistic person but moving back to New York took a toll on me personally and academically. Being bullied for almost three years straight can really fuck you up mentally. All these doubts made me think I wasn’t cut out to do anything.These doubts started when I was in the 4th grade where I started getting bullied. My bully would mock me every time I would get an answer wrong which was very often. He would also critique me about how I looked. He once called me a fat whale because I was chunky. The worst part about this was that the teacher knew this was happen but she would not stop it or she would blame on me for it happening. This did not affect me at the time but it would soon come to haunt me in the future.
It all started coming back to me in the 7th grade when the bullying have started happening again. All the mocking and the criticizing got under my skin but the this time it took a higher toll on me. Slacking became my middle name. I did not do classwork or homework in English and Math which were the most important just to avoid being mocked. Also I would skip those classes which was detrimental to my education. The only way I would get my work done is if the teacher would work one on one with me or I would stay after school to finish the things I was missing. My read and writing skills never reached its full potential. In math I didn’t understand any of the equations. It felt like I was read something in a different language. Not paying attention throughout the school year made taking the State test even more difficult. Which I soon failed and I had to go to summer school for.
After barely passing summer school I made it to the 8th grade. I started the year slacking but that all changed once my English teacher Ms.Sterling did everything in here power to push me to believe I can do anything I put my mind to. She got another teacher in the class just in case I need help when she was busy with another student. She would also stay after school to help me better my writing and to motivate me to do better in my other classes. Not only that she would always put me to read book and read out loud so i can get more practice and bring up my read level. Her pushing me to do better made me want to change my mindset on learning. She would tell me on the daily “It don’t matter if you got made fun of for not knowing the answer what matter is that you need to work to understand and get it right the next time”. Soon my writing had gotten better and I’ve gotten better at reading out loud and individually. In math everything was becoming more understandable but I was still struggling. The State test was right around the corner. It has been a very long time since I passed a State Test so hearing that passed I felt relieved and proud of myself for actually passing. Ms.Sterling was proud of me she kept on repeating “I knew you could do it”. Graduation came along and I never in a million year I would’ve thought I would had make to that point or even be able to go to high school. Once I was in High school, I kept on pushing towards being my best even though there was obstacles in my way.
All in all, my learning experience may have not been the best but it did not only help me grow as a person but as a student too. Yeah bullying can push you over the edge but you can find yourself again and become a better you. Many people you would have not see coming can make your life either a living hell or a carefree paradise. You just have to push through those obstacles and never give up on yourself and your future.
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